old treasure

I was fumbling through a stack of journals searching for the travel diary with a list of addresses that i carried along with me 2 years ago. As it always happens when you stumble across old mementos, the moments come back. (:

Anyway, here's something i found among the stash of old keeps. I had copied it in scribbly writing on the back of a floor plan that's yellow and looking older than it should.

Worship
the song of the heart that is grateful to God.
Work
Secret of success
Play
the symbol of youthfulness
Read
the source of knowledge
Think
the strength of the mind
Love
the sacrament of life
Dream
the soul of aspiration
Help
the source of happiness
Laugh
the song of experience
Pray
the source of strength
Plan
the secret to having time to be able to do all of the above.

nice, no?

Shantaram

2 months after i first picked up the book, i've reached its end. i thought i'd never finish it, because no matter how much i read, there was always such a long way to go. not that i was in a hurry to finish it. conversely, i wish the book would never end. i feel a weird sense of loss that it's over - that first time experience of reading it that i can never ever retrieve or relive. it is weird because i've never felt this way about a book before. i mean it's just a book! if it's good, then it's good and yeah that experience with it was good. but this book is different. the novelist had that capability of weaving together an incredible narrative with philosophy so richly, deeply, and astutely. there was such an open and immense honesty in his writing that made it impossible to simply read it. at so many junctures, i just had to stop and seriously consider and attempt to understand what it must have taken for him to write that one sentence, to mean what he had meant.

The reason why the book made such an impact on me was the particular honesty he had with the innermost love and evil of human beings and the confusion that often entangle them together. it was his process of attempting to disentangle them - not always explicitly - that really captured me. not that his answer was perfect, or that it was even an answer.
and the best thing that his writing did was to force that honesty upon my own heart. and revealed to myself the danger of its dishonesty that I'd been living. we may think that it is just a small dishonesty here and there with ourselves and our true thoughts, feelings, responses, character. but if we let them be and allow them to fester, some day we may never be able to reach that open, clear, honest and pure part of our souls. and that would be the greatest tragedy of living.

at the end of it all, of all the author's brilliance and reservoir of wisdom and experiences, he knows the two things that all human beings inescapably run after:

"With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved."

and it is true that that is what we live for, whether or not we know or realize or are willing to admit it. to some, that chasing after is so numbed and adulterated by the on-goings of the everyday living, and the world that pours that dilution into our souls... that they think the ceaseless and frantic scramble for truth and salvation isn't there. but it always is, and will forever be there.

from the Christ in the heavens springs the wellness of life

something snapped -
and then i was sinking into the dark and frightful abyss of turmoil in my heart and mind; so nauseating and painful that my body was left hollowed and sickened for a few hours, my head exploding from the throbbing pulse. I'd forgotten, almost completely, how this felt. the same as it was just a year ago.

but God always stays true to His wisdom. where there is hurt and anger, no matter how fiery or rightful that anger is, there will always be humility and forgiveness where Christ is.
His heavens opened and there was Jesus pouring over in all His sweetness and light.
O my Joy, so abundant!
And like the fresh and cold breeze of this night, He washes over;
Healer of my soul and my body.



sing my soul, of the Saviour's love.

being bold and daring

yestersday, daniel was praying during worship and he said something in his prayer that caught me. let us be bold and daring in our walk with Christ.

loving God is like loving challenges. the love of Christ is so high and deep that we have to take leaps and plunges in faith. well.... that's quite a big test for my faint and timid heart. i immediately remembered the article from mr. average christian about what it means to be adventurous and bold as a manly warrior of God. it's not about bungee jumping or scaling the toughest mountain. it's about the amount of courage it takes a person to do the work of God.

it wasn't a joke when Jesus told the rich ruler to give away everything he has of the world so that he may inherit the treasures of heaven, and neither is it easy! and the biggest struggle in leaving the world behind lies in the comforts of the mind and heart. it is scary letting go of the ways of thinking that I'm accustomed to, which have proven to provide a certain level of comfort while living in them. but I know that staying in there will not help in journeying further with God and his work. in yesterday's ODB, the writer expressed it aptly when he wrote about the dangers of "growing accustomed to feeling distant from God". and that "distance" can mean many many things. it's time to get sick and tired of living life at that lukewarm capacity of faith where half of my trust is in God and the other half in what I can see and predict and is safe in thinking; or believing that others, but never myself, will be called to arms or be required to run the extra miles for God; or that I was never meant to fly with Him and I will be happy just living with one foot thrust heavenward and the other cowardly in worldly mentality.

As God is bringing in the battle fields and providing the equipment to fight, right under my nose, i can no longer afford to ignore Him and delude myself by constantly assuming that i'm thinking too much. it is true that God will call other children to do it even if i don't but the point is that God wants me to do it.

and i can choose to sit it out, or dance.