huhur this is insane... i keep getting waves of panic attacks non stop and then sometimes i'll be excited. 0_0 hahahah shooo cute the face.

yesterday evening my neighbours came over to stargaze! hahahh.. well.. it was kinda like a pathetic attempt cos his telescope was spoilt and we had to use a binoculars ?!?! ya know there was this star that we can see only ever 278yrs. soo exciting! yea... and i THINK we saw mars? cos we're supposed to be able to see it around this time. hahah of course all we saw was a little darting bright dot thru the bino la... hahahah. so silly...
butbut... this has egnited my long lost fascination with astrology!! i used to love studying and memorizing and marvelling at all the stars and planets in our universe.. and i loved all the little gnitty little details like how long each planet takes to revolve around the sun and i used to think they were slow pokes. and how freezing cold saturn is and how freaking hot mercury is.. then all the pictures of the galaxies all the stars!!! oh my... i'm thinking of investing in a telescope but some o fmy friends tell me it's not worth it, and that i can only see the moon most of the time.. hmm.. we'll see...
hoho... and then we saw something else that was quite funny! hahha we have another friend who lives across the street so we tried to spyy.. but the bino not powerful enough la.. but it was bad enough already hahaah saw something we shouldn't have seen!!! quite funny....:)

which brings me back to human fellowship! it's kinda lovely that i have neighbours i now know.. last time i lived in my previous apartment for nearly 7 years but i hardly knew anyone. we just said hi and bye and exchange loooooong pleasantries but that was it! maybe except my opposite neighbour whom we were closer to. it's so fun to have friends who live near you! within shouting range summore hahha.

haha human fellowship who doesnt need it? i love it.


there was some deepavali celebration goin on downstairs and usually such things just KILL me! so noisy and the MCs are really so LAME and crappy i just wanna faint. anw today's one was better.. i jus have something for indian music hahahh their drums are cool and fascinating! and it's pretty catchy.. quite enjoyable doin maths while listening to it. and i looked out of my window and i saw people sitting around the stage or standing around watching, some even with their arms crossed. and i was thinking it is really SO SAD we just stand there and all we do is watch. that's it. i mean c'mon la the beats were so infectious and so happy to dance to but everybody just STONES!!! for a few moments i jus pictured the crowd on their feet and shakin to da indian music, hurhur what a BIG difference! otherwise what's the point of a celebration?!

i was just standing by my kitchen window looking out over the central square.. enjoying my tiny piece of chocolate. and i was thinking about the personal relationships we have with God. and about how God wants a personal relationship with everybody. and as i watched all the many tiny little people moving around the central square, i couldn't help but marvel how He can maintain a personal relationship with each and every single figure that i see from up here. i can hardly maintain just five good ones myself. haha. i have to admit i marvelled with a little disbelief. i was thinking.. our relationship is so... strange. i wouldn't say unique cos it just makes it sound so beautiful and perfect. well.. it is supposed to be. perhaps it is because i am not close enough to Him that i find a relationship between us and God so weird. He's there to comfort us all the time regardless the situation but He doesnt need our comfort. He can get angry with us but we're not supposed to be angry with Him because He's perfect and the only possible fault is ours. isnt all these kinda one-sided? i know, of course, it's all about the love.

however strange it can get, my guess is that it's simply like any other relationships we share with our fellow humans. each and every person that we have a relationship with is unique and special with their very own character and personality. they give different things to us, they demand different things from us, we take different things from them and we give back different things to each and every one of them. likewise, God has His own unusual character. whose isn't?

ahhh.... what a bright and balmy afternoon! :)
perfect weather, lovely!

toodles!

unplugged

hohoho.. alicia keys' Unplugged is minee!! finally! :)
i just love her, everything about her! her music, the way she is, her personality, she's so positive! i think she's one of the few rare true n real music talents left on earth who sing words that they mean and words that even mean something at all. she's like a walking dream!

up n early

woohoo hi all! up and about on an early monday morning! it's only 7:01!!! i cannot believe it! having breakfast and then off to go chionggg off the books! yea! i've been trying to get up at 6 for a week but it never happened cos i always jump out of bed and then roll back on for another couple of hours.. hahahh. today's record breaking! tho it wasnt six 6 but who caressss..
of cos i woke up with some help hhahha.. chris i couldnt believe u woke up too! alrightee mann so reliable haha.

i was thinkin how we define a good sunrise. okaee it cannot be defined but usually if we see pinkish red streaks around a nice orange -blue-white sky it's beautiful! owell i just pitied the other sunrises.. hahahh. i think they're all nice actually even if it's a grey morning.. they're like us! we humans are all unique and different.. some of us may be born more physically beautiful than others but we each have a unique personality and character right! some goes for sunrises... they're all beautiful!

today was a much more productive day than usual.. so i'm feelin good alriiittee :)
a humongous thank you to jeanette and family! :):):):) jeanette helped me with mah maths tdy.. i attempted last year's A levl paper it's supposed to be super duper chicken feet.. budden i was so careless + dunno how to do some. but at least i got a C for it k! not bad already hehe.. jeanette is a good and encouraging teacher! i feel a liiittle bit more confident now.. the last mock test was really ugh la i got an E for it.. so much for smashing my head on the wall. hahah.
nvrrrrrmind:) we have exactly two weeks left! make or break!

SHARING DA LOVE

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! :)
hahahhahah :D :D :D

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHA I'M SO FULL OF LOVE AND EXCITEMENT TONIGHT!
haha share it all man!

haha im tellin ya God works all the time! He NEVER stops working so i'm NEVER goin to stop workin for him either.
shoot me if you want but you'll never get me! :P

anw there's been this thing going on big about the end times recently.. cos of what's been happening in the world and the bird flu. i cannot stop seeing stuffs about it everywhere! .. is it really coming? is this grace period going to be over soon?

G'night y'all i'm gonna faint from fatigue soon :) LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!

life changing

am i a deadduck or am i a deadduck =(

arghghgghgh hurry up let this be over man...

i really wish something would happen to me.. like some BIG LIFE CHANGING thing..
my life's crawling too freakin slowly...
thats why this stupid exam should be over now so i can do something about it
hahah now i remember yiwen saying that A levels is life-changing cos i told her my skin has never been this fair in YEARS. hahahh
..or maybe something like i get DDDF for my A levels.. that would be pretty interesting.. THAT would be life changing enough man..

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:):):):):):):):):):):)

hahah yea good question.. what would i do if that really happened?

Your Different Names

hehe i saw this on some random blogger's blog (some european lady with a VERY cute kid) and i thought it looked pretty fun. and by the look of i,t knowing i'm from s'pore, this is going to turn out just so weird mwahah.

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME
(name of first pet, street you grew up on)
nilteckwhye
erps
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandmother on father's side first name, favorite snack)
polooirollercoaster (hahhah?!!?)
3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME
(first word you see on your left, favorite restaurant)
SoilcreteModesto
not too bad... hahah.
4. YOUR FLY GIRL/GUY; NAME
(first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
l.tia hahah
5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal, name of high school)
gazelle nanyang
wah this is off
6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME(middle name, city where you were born):
xin singapore
7. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME
(name of sibling/parent [opposite sex], cell phone company you use):
teikleng starhub hahahhahha
8. YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
tiakennil haha okay sounds spacy enough.

my mom is back!! =) early summorehaha she was so sneaky la! she didnt want to stay any longer in china cos the hotel there was very expensive so she decided to fly back a few days earlier.. and she didnt tell us!! she jus called my dad when she wasdownstairs and said she was coming back.. my dad thought she was crazy hahaha too homesick already. then less than one minute later the doorbell really rang!!! we thought it was a ghost la.. hahhaah so funnie my mom.

today i finally opened my eyes again to what i'd gradually shut out through my time in rj. and ironically, mr hodge was the one who did it. you know how useless principals' speeches are most of the time, but finally, this final speech i'd hear from a principal wasn't. argh he's so right. i only have plan A and my planA must work. my plans arent really about university choices because till now i still have mydoubts about wha ti really want to do. my plan A was about my results and all i could see was that i wanted myAs and Bs no matter how far fetched it may seem from the look of my prelim results. looking at how i was like the past month, especially the past few weeks, i was like some walking bomb at home. hot tempered and loud mouthed. the results was all i could see and all i wanted, as in i really kept telling myself that if i dont get the results, i'll die = i'd have failed.
and im quite disappointed with myself that i'm like that. i went back to my alam mater today and what mr hodge said kept ringing in my head.. and the campus just reminded me of how much i'd changed :( speaking to mrs wong and pearlyn just reminded me of it all the more. haha i think pearlyn and i look like we'd switched places.. she is the way i was, and i am the way she was. hahahh. admittedly, it was easier then to think that success was nothing about results. nothing was at stake then, it really didnt matter to me that much which JC you go to, not as much as which university and course you take. but this time, i know the meaning of "success is nothing about results" better because much more is at stake; this time poor results will really have its 'consequences'. but in the long long run, it doesnt matter AT ALL! just 1 decade down the road, or in fact less than that, already nobody is going to give a heck about what i did for my A levels. it's peanuts compared to what i will eventually go through within just that ten years. i totally lost sight of that. what mr hodge said is right, wherever you go, do your best and do it well. that was what ms ong had said too, and that is even what SA wants to tell me - "nobody is here by chance". wherever i will go, that is where God wants me make a difference; that is where God knows will be the best for me, and the best for me to serve Him. my goodness, i was so blinded, i feel like a fool.

the harder truth is, it is what OTHER people expect out of me that makes it so difficult for me not to be bothered by grades. even if i don't mind poor grades, it is the way others will look at me and judge me that will prove a challenge. and it doesnt make things any easier that i study in a premium college.

nevermind, at least i woke up.. better late than never. in fact, i think im fortunate already i got this ahead of many many others.
Wherever God will take me, BRING IT ON!!!!!!

aaahhhh....
today was a torturous day cos i lacked sleep! my head was spinning from the moment my alarm rang until now. today i tried to nap for a grand total of FOUR HOURS.. 2 hrs before mock maths and 2 hrs when i came home.. but they all failed.. my brains were reeling like crazy they just couldn't stop working.. i was just subconciously recalling maths formulae with my eyes closed -that isnt napping! what a waste of my precious time.. so today i'm going to be in bed by 12 SHARP. (cos i can wake at 9 tmr)

anw today's maths mock was nearly disastrous.. not that bad but quite bad. Thank God i managed not to nap at all during the paper. the paper was SO EASY!!! i'd seen 99% the questions before when i did other practice papers! BUT i jus FORGOT how to do them! SO IRRITATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the ap gp one was exactly the same as the one in our prelims.. and i FORGOT how to do it even tho i did the corrections.. how smart. this is waht you call not learning from mistakes, which is unforgivable! if i dont get at least a C for this one i'm really going to have to smash my head! hee secretly (but not so secretly now) i had fantasies of getting an A for this mock exam and i was determined to do well! but i can forget about it. i'll get it back at the A levels.
so i have exactly one week to work on my statistics, starting from ground zero, before the mock P2..
i should go start right now on the gazillion essays i have to turn in.. grrr.....

i was rummaging this box that i'd used to lug all my things from my previous home over, sorting out and placing the items where they should belong in my room..(this is 3mths after shifting!) anw i found my sec four english journal where ms ong made us write down stuffs in it for a period of time but we subsequently just forgot about it. ooh brought back such marvellous memories! which reminds me...i STILL cannot find all my sec fou ressays. they're permenantly lost already :( my only chance is that ms ong kept copies of a few of them.. and this is TWO years after graduation already!! those are now such precious writings that marked a major milestone in my life.. and they're GONE!!! argh...

anw here's something i found and i want to share. it's never easy applying this to our lives.. easier said than done! so what is success to you? inevitably, i immediately think of A LOT of money!! and then i'll stop myself to remind myself that success is WAY beyond material wealth. but it doesnt change the fact that i'm still such a materialistic person, and i want to change that.

S U C C E S S
To laugh often and much
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And to endure the betrayal of false friends.

To appreciate beauty.
To find the best in others.
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child, a garden
patch, or a redeemed social condition.

To know that even one life has breathed
Easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

and this is what i wrote in my book then beside the poem:
My definition of success: As long as I feel good about what i've done or completed, that's success. when i'm old, i sit back in my couch and think "what a wonderful life i've lived". i have a warm family of my own, a career i'm satisfied with and healthy kids i've raised, a loving marriage i've kept. if i can smile upon these when i'm old, i've succeeded.

and i'd like to add one more - to have led a God-glorifying life.

my 16th year was easily the best year of my life, right at the beginning of my road to discovery ooh. that year i'd met the most wonderful teacher i'd ever had. i changed so much that year i remember i could hardly believe myself when i was logging in my diary a tribute to myself on my 16th birthday :)
two years on, i'm not so at the beginning already, and hardly even in the middle, but i've opened my eyes to sooo many many things already! just two years and i've met an even more awesome Teacher! truthfully, a little weariness is already setting in.. and i've still got such a long way to go!!

edit:
here's something else i found in the book and i was very amused..

My thoughts and feelings about Trees (i rem ms ong always made us write things like that)

"I have never been interested in trees, and coincidentally, my most disliked colours are green and brown (which aren't today), especially brown cos it somehow reminds me of the word "disgusting".

If i ever notice trees, it would most probably be for the sake of landmarkings. Every morning, i go to sch by bus and i usually sit on the right side of the bus. and it is my habit to sleep on my journey. i suppose it's the biological clock that wakes me up just in time for me to alight, and whenever i open my eyes, this is what i see most of the time wheni look out of the window - this row of rather huge trees, i dont know its name, then i'd know i've reached school. these trees are quite nice to look at.

Actually, there are other trees that i notice too - when i'm not aslp. Just before the traffic junction near Esso and the Shell station, there's another row of trees and i do not know their names either. they look fragile and weak to me. but what i like looking at is the morning sun shining through their leaves, and i can even see the sun rays so stark and strong penetrating through them. behind these trees is a green wire fence and then beyond it a huge piece of grassland that looks foggy in the mornings. i usually see this on saturday mornings when i go to sch for practice or when it is the time of the year when the sun rises very early in the day."

hahaha i think i was feeling very strange wondering why a teacher would want us to write an essay on trees, of all things. and i wasnt very willing to write one then.
subsequently, we did another piece on trees, and i did enjoy that one. (and i did well for it too!)
GP topics should be like that..so much more appealing.

Hide me now,
under Your wings
Cover me,
within Your mighty hand.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood
I will be still, know You are God

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone
Know His power, in quietness and trust
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood
I will be still, know You are God

i think there's something wrong with my stomach.. i keep bloating like nobody's business..:(
i fell sick last night.. had a fever and a severe headache this morning! it was so horrid i jus wanted to lie on my bed and pretend i was dead. but i had to do a human essay for mr lee by tmr. anw he msged me to ask why i didnt show up for geog lect today... i dunno if he sounded angry or what cos it was jus an sms but i hope not. anw he's jus out to help me. i'd better watch my health. nobody can afford to fall sick during this period. i got so scared, for a few hours i was convinced i had dengue fever la. :S there's no way im goin to skip the A levels and go through another J2 year.

bleagh less than a month to go and im still at a loss with my work :S:S:S:S:S:S:S:S:S how freaky is this.... i have so much to do i dunno where to start!!!!! at least maths is lookin up quite a bit.. i kinda know where i went wrong for econs n human geog.. i still have yet to do my own post mortem for my physical geog paper.. lit is.. aiyah somehow or rather i'll make it.

-grin-
i went to beck's house today! FINALLY! FINALLY! FINALLY!
i wish i had stayed over though..more good ol familiar times
:):):):):):):):):):):)

controlling temptations, even in thoughts, is so difficult! especially when it keeps coming nearer and nearer to you. keeping it at bay is such a task, and such an unwilling one.. but oh well... i hope i wont be sorry next time. though i have a feeling i'm doing the right thing, i secretly hope it isn't God's plan that it'll be like that forever!

i read the newspapers bout the indian man who murdered his wife with a chopper cos he loved her so much but she betrayed him and had numerous affairs.. when i was reading what he said my instant reaction was "Othello!!!" aiyohhh seriously a 21st century othello. killing her so that she will not betray other men and hurt others etc.. i feel more at peace now... haha wah so othello.

bleagh i dont feel like sleeping tonight but i have to go to school tmr. tmr's the last day of real school so i must go plus there's class lunch and youzi will murder me and chop me into 230948032million pieces if i dont go RIGHT. so i have to goto school!! sch's not very useful actually but i realize today i stay at home i also dont know much useful things. i do maths at a snail's rate. anw im beginning to see maths in a kind of positive light i've never experienced before when i see maths. now when i see the question my first reaction is 'i think i can pull this one'. :) improvement! confidence is the first step.

i've been browsing thru some scholarship stuffs that SMU offers and it's a less than 4% chance of getting an SMU scholarship. cos they only offer it to 40 students out of the 1000+ students! it's such a lucrative offer! if i do study in SMU, i DIE also must get that scholarship! it covers ALL my tuition fees plus an annual $5000 allowance and a notebook. that's a total worth of $60000++ if i get it for 3 years. and the best part? NO BOND. i hope i didnt read anything wrongly, it sounds too good to be true. that's the no. 1 criteria of a scholarship for me, or i'd rather not get a scholarship. i think getting tied down for 4-6 years after graduation is not something i'd want, esp if im in the business line. i can just imagine the things i can accomplish within 6 years. it's a SUPER long time. i'd be nearly 30 by the time i complete serving my bond. ugh. but then some people see it is a job guarantee.. oh well i think cons offset the pros.

jia suggested i pack lunch to sch since i'm trying to save my money that is dwindling at an extremely alarming rate, so i thought of the bread- biscuit thing kristine's mother made for her n youzi's party.. the one we ate with the tuna that was SO yummee? i asked her that day how her mom did it and i tried it earlier! simple and easy YUM!!! hehehe.. i can't wait for my dad to try it. i like it when he enjoys my cooking. mwahahh im looking forward to lunch tmr....