The other start

It is an hour into the last day of the year. So along with millions of other hansels and gretels, i’m gonna turn around to pick up the little milestones that have pebbled my year.

1. Truth – the truth will set you free. hence, true freedom.

2. Baptism – I was always one foot thrust heavenward. In the name of “true meaning”, I’d shun anything that was ritual-like. what’s the point of an outward expression when all that counts is its inward reflection? Little did I know how connected the two could be, and how powerful symbolism actually is. For what are you still holding back? Now, I’ve brought the other foot over.

3. Classrooms – This was one experience that saw God’s hand with me all through the weeks. To say that it was an incredible term would be an exaggeration. But to say that it was pleasant is a huge understatement. It is a career that so many other peers have chosen that it’s taken every sense of special-ness away. God returns it with a purpose.

4. Cell – one heck of a struggle. doesn’t it seem simple enough – it’s just a discussion! oh but no… I’ve come to the point where God has begun to question my efforts and push me further. I dare not tell others of my heart’s desire for us, because there would only be one word to describe it – idealistic. yea well, from my vantage point, it’s so difficult to achieve that it’s only something God can do, which is the whole point, isn’t it?

5. India – i still can’t believe we took that crazy 35hr train ride through an oven. i’ve few other experiences of being truly humbled in an absolutely non-exoticizing manner as that.

6. Graduation – almost the saddest point of the year. the end of one of the greatest journeys of my short young life. the world unfurled at a speed and complexity that was breathtaking (literally).

7. My heart was given back – a brand new one.

I can’t think of the next pebble, for now. A year ago, I wrote that if, at the end of this year, I am still running the race hard, i’ll give thanks and praise. So praise God for His faithfulness!

As for the next, I can’t think of any specific one, so i’ll settle for an all emcompassing one – that is to be challenged and stretched in every area of my existence.

The Pyramid of Life

“…Christians share an odd belief in parallel universes. One universe consists of glass and steel and wool clothes and leather briefcases and the smell of freshly ground coffee. The other consists of angels and spiritual forces and somewhere-out-there places called heaven and hell. We palpably inhabit the material world; it takes faith to consider oneself a citizen of the other, invisible world...”

Yesterday, the daily bread ran an article about parallel universes. It was kinda a warped sense of relief from realizing that I wasn’t alone in this boat struggling to straddle two very different worlds.

It bothers me how each time I talk, or rather debate-slash-argue, with my parents over my ‘religious obsession’, I stop to check if I’m really crazy and brainwashed. I mean, it’s not exactly a bad thing altogether… it’s good to take a pit stop sometimes and go back to square one and begin tracing the faith trajectory. It’s just that… it’s a few days to my baptism and I can’t decide if this was somehow God-planned for me to be doubly sure about it or an untimely attempt to throw me off the track.

Some time ago, caught in the whirl of academia stuff I was learning in university and in thinking about all the major Truth-God-Jesus-Bible questions I had, I drew out this pyramid trying to make sense of everything that was swirling in my mind… how and where could all these different realities fit in?

In the first layer of the pyramid, is the physical world. In there are all the tangible stuff in our lives that are measurable based on systems and concepts that have been created through history. Things like… society, culture, material wealth and poverty, technology, history, family, status, power, war, careers, institutions like marriage, property, governance, religion, transport, finance, currency; systems like banking, politics and borders, law; industries like trade, businesses, fashion, recreation, entertainment etc. the list could go on forever!

This is the realm where most people in the world stop at. Where lives are built navigating and circulating through all these stuff, playing its big game getting as close as possible to the top of this huge system of systems.

And then above that layer is the ideological realm that shapes the way we think and belief and perceive that physical realm. In my personal opinion, this is the most dangerous and trickiest layer of life, because it is a mind-field that can be contorted, controlled, and made to control. In this layer lies ideologies like secularism, capitalism, postmodernism, relativism, notions of self-fulfillment, religious doctrines, spirituality, materialism, science, feminism, racism, and a gazillion other -isms that I will never think of. These are belief systems that found their way into mainstream life as lenses for people to live through. And nobody escapes this layer, every person beliefs in something.

The layer above the latter would be the stuffs that make up the essence of being human. Needs, abilities, instincts, and understandings that separate us from the animal kingdom. Things like… satisfaction, happiness, truth, values, freedom, power, justice: good vs evil, emotions, faith, will: the ability to choose, etc. these are the stuff that are very difficult to deny because most of them are instinctive to being human. Even extreme relativism cannot flatten notions of good and evil because they’re just somehow primal. It explains why people who grew up locked into extreme anti-mainstream cults since infancy have the ability to figure out what good, evil, love and hate while living through heavily contorted minds. These are kinda like the ‘tools’ ideologies tap upon to make sense of themselves and construct life.

And the last layer at the cap of the pyramid is the spiritual realm where people either experience, disbelieve, deny, ignore, are unaware of, or are somewhere in between. This is the realm where the huge battle is fought unseen by the human eye. God, satan, angels, demons, all the different gods, heaven, hell, spirits and all. Needless to say, this is the most powerful realm of all.

So… what?

I was learning about how our world functions on numerous scales- from individual lives to societies to the national scale, the international scale, the geological scale (aka nature in this world), universal scale (nature beyond this planet), and all that academia trying to make sense of the whole systematic chaos that it is, and then realizing the cosmic scale with heaven and hell that we don’t see. At the same time, I was asking some fundamental questions about truth (is there such a thing is truth? Yes, there has to be), about God (does God exist?), about doctrines (ok, so there is a God... now which God is it?) I’ll skip some parts in between. So it came to the point where I narrowed it down to Judaism, Christianity, and none of the above.

The point of contention between the above three is… Jesus Christ. If He isn’t real, if He isn’t the Son of God, then it’s either Judaism, or that there are no existing doctrines in the world that point truthfully to God. So a good place to start would be to begin reading the story of Jesus in the gospels in detail to find out who exactly he is (the story of Jesus is actually the entire bible).

Honestly, and to my amazement, Jesus is the only answer that could make sense of everything put together. Who He is, what He stands for, what He did, why He did what He did, the before, during and after of His first coming… all these connected every layer of life and every scale of existence. And finding that out for myself really shocked me. I’d need another long winded and unending story to tell you how, which I’d attempt to in the future when my fingers aren’t this tired :)

So… this is my discovery of Christ as Truth.

Jesus is the answer that ties the parallel universes together.

“…Christmas turns the tables and hints at the struggle involved when the Lord of both worlds descends to live by the rules of the one. In Bethlehem, the two worlds came together, realigned. What Jesus went on to accomplish on planet Earth made it possible for God someday to resolve all disharmonies in both worlds. No wonder a choir of angels broke out in spontaneous song, disturbing not only a few shepherds but the entire universe (Luke 2:13-14).”

a spinning arrow

my mind's been turning so much i'm perpetually giddy!
still, i'm glad to have a compass that points perfectly.

heroes

Here's a question I hadn't been able to answer for a long time. If you were a man with a wife and children, and you're faced with a decision whether or not to put your life on the front line for the sake of defending your country, or whether to die for the sake of saving your friend's life, what decision would you make?

This question ever crossed LKY's mind before. In his biography and in interviews, he talked about his wife's capability, which was the reason he could go into politics wholeheartedly... knowing that if anything happened to him in an era that was turbulent and violent, his family would be taken care of.
I suppose that was how he drew his balance. Not every person's wife is like his, but there has to be people who are willing to do the life-risking jobs. The risk LKY took has paid off a very prosperous country. And that is just a risk... what about those who make a decision to die in order to save?

I think the easy response to an honourable answer to the question would be to say yes. Some may argue that your family is an extension of yourself, and not to save someone because of it is being selfish. But on the other hand, deciding to put your life down for the sake of someone else is also a decision to leave your family behind to grief and fend for the rest of their future.
will that make him an irresponsible hero?


ok.. so in an ethical dilemma, we turn to Jesus for an answer. I guess his choice would be to die, since he chose to die to save us all. and he didn't forget about his mother, whom he entrusted to his disciple so that she will be taken care of. living that out, it is an example for the church, the rest of the family's christian community to lend their financial and emotional support so that the family may get by as best as they can. yeap... I suppose that's the Christian answer. But honestly, at this point of time, I don't have the stomach of courage and faith to want a husband to make that kind of a decision on my family.

btw, I got thinking about this while re-watching Ip Man (it's a true story). He was a poor man and had a young son and his wife was in her final term of pregnancy when he went to challenge the stupid angmoh boxer in an almost fatal fight... for the sake of Chinese pride and to demonstrate what integrity is. During his preparation, his wife went into labour but she didn't want to distract him from his training. my worry while watching was... what if he hadn't survived the fight? what will become of his young family picking up the ruins of post-war poverty?

Jesus

it's really timely that when i entered this bible study course, they happened to be doing the last few chapters of the book of John. i was pouring through my journal, and it hit me that over the past couple of months, God's been answering a prayer I made late last year, and i even remember thinking about it when i was in India. it was about this huge problem i had with by-passing the cross, like my whole faith seemed to be based on emotions... which was dangerous because that cannot be the basis of going to God. i struggled with it because i simply couldn't grasp the reality of Christ's sacrifice. it just remained as one of those important biblical nuggets in my head that i knew i should know. when i was honest enough, i knew that i actually never understood the immensity of His dying for us and accepted Jesus as a doubtless truth.

bringing me step by step to fill that dangerous void was what God did through the last two months of bible study. i am truly awed by the kind of person Jesus is.. the compassion He has is so gripping it's inhuman. over the past 2-3 weeks, we've been dwelling on John 19, walking through the most important milestone in human history, pouring through the reasons, meanings, the spiritual symbolism behind every detail, seeing all that Jesus did till the very end, the fulfillment of many prophecies, the consistencies that string the bible together, the evidences, making sense of and piecing the whole process of Jesus' crucifixion together for myself... and i finally saw God's heart behind everything that happened.

i don't even know how to begin describing what my response is. :P i guess when i truly know who i worship and why... it does a lot of change to the reason i breathe and live everyday.

Monday Morning

It is a quiet morning at work, and there is a strange and enormous craving for some poetry. I miss literature lessons so much. jess and jingyun.. if u ever read this, i'm envious of you guys right now!

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

After the Designer, this is my other favourite from Frost, because such is the reality of making choices. There is no way I can see beyond the deepest bend. and to make the choice tougher, both paths look just as fair. well...because he wrote it in the last stanza, so it sounds as though it's the weighty truth..but is taking the road less traveled always the better choice? Frost ever commented that when he wrote this poem, he was thinking about his friend who had decided to join the war. and the decision was hard because either way, he would be sorry he hadn't chosen the other. I suppose it's different when we trust a God who sees beyond the bend and plants a signpost at our crossroads. We can walk down the path with no regrets. Yet, the choice is still ours to make. Out of curiosity, I'll always wonder what it would have been like if I'd taken the other.
Anyway, I love it that he uses nature all the time to discuss his thoughts about life.

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

- William Shakespeare

Now...this is an all-time favourite :) I'd never ever get tired of re-reading this poem! I wrote a commentary on this poem for a school assignment once, and it was one of the best experiences I'd ever had in my life. Perhaps I'd do it again some years down the road...just to see whether my perspective would've changed. To put it shortly, the sonnet captures the immense beauty and tough, persevering reality of true love.

so...it's all quiet in the office and this is probably the most relaxing a day at work will ever be. the students are having their examinations so there isn't any teaching or planning or work to be done...hurrah!
time to catch up on some reading (:

John 20

I was reading John 20 this morning. and I don't have my journal with me, so I'll write it in here so that I won't forget these thoughts. John 20 is the story of the empty tomb, and Jesus' first appearances to his disciples after his death. there were two parts in the story that really touched my heart...cos it showed the kind of person Jesus is.

Mary was weeping outside the empty tomb cos she thought that someone had stolen Jesus' body away and hidden it. she saw a figure standing near her, but she didnt' know that it was Jesus. she thought that he was the gardener. Jesus asked her "Woman, why are you weeping? whom are you seeking?" and Mary told Jesus (not knowing it was Him) to tell her where he'd hidden His body if he'd carried away His body away. at that, all Jesus said was "Mary!" and she turned to Him and cried "Teacher!" I can just imagine the way Jesus had called her name... it must have been a voice filled deep with love and a joy at being reunited with his disciple. it must have been a tone that Jesus had often used in love during the years he'd spent with her during his ministry on earth because she recognized it distinctively... and it must have been something profound because she hadn't recognized His voice when he'd asked her why she was weeping.
Will I ever hear Him call my name like that...?

The second part of the chapter that struck me was the story of Thomas, and how he'd outrightly stated that unless he sees the print of the nails in the Lord's hands, placed his finger on the prints and at the side of His body, he will not believe. 8 days later, they were assembled behind close doors, and the Lord miraculously appeared to be with them. and the first thing He did was to ask Thomas to place his finger and hand on His palms and side, so that Thomas may believe. The thing is, Thomas had aired his doubts among his friends when the Lord wasn't technically present with them. Yet, Jesus knew what exactly was on the heart of Thomas, and answered Thomas' request even before he'd presented them to Jesus. (:

a morning lesson

one morning during a time of worship, God showed me something really important and precious to remember.
I was trying to worship... trying really hard. really really hard. like pushing and willing myself to exalt Him more and more. Yet, it was still that empty quietness in my heart. Then, I just gave up. that was when the word "honest" surfaced in my heart. and I knew then that He needed me to first be honest and offer an honest worship. So i began cutting away those fluffy and self-made, self-willed-out parts and gestures of worship. I cut...and cut...and cut... and then I realized all I had that was real and honest was so little. like tiny little. and I told God...this is all I have. so little.
But.. He told me that it's enough and it's good, and He accepted it. I was amazed....it was seriously little.. But simply because it was pure and honest, He took it. such a tiny offering and yet to Him it was enough.

Right after that worship, the pastor preached about authentic worship. Geez. What a prelude that was. That one encounter with God really taught me, and it's really changed my heart of worship, and I ask God that it remains that way, transformed.

I suppose it is the same with everything else. with prayer, and with our faith. we're always pushing and pushing thinking that the harder we push, the closer we'll get. that is why we pray prayers believing in the might of our prayers and build our faith upon the size of our faith. but that's not what it is! we pray prayers believing in the might of our Risen Lord and build our faith upon the size of our God Almighty. that is why faith the size of a mustard seed is enough, cos it's planted in the power of our God. prayer, faith, and worship...they don't have to be big to be powerful. they just have to be placed at the right altar :)

Beauty

“We do not merely want to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words – to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.”

C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory.

This explains it so precisely! To a teenage girl, the world was very beautiful. But in those years, I could never explain why that sense of beauty was always incomplete and out of reach.

eternal redemption.

A few years ago, my mother made me attend this forum introduction to a program where people come together to better their lives using breakthrough (psychological) technologies. there would be a speaker and also group counselors who would help us identify the source of deep seated problems, and help us work towards a freedom from such bondage and also to improve and restore relationships that have been broken. It was the last day of the forum and people we were growing more comfortable sharing their issues with the class so that the speaker could demonstrate how to help them break down and resolve their issues. but no one was prepared for this particular story.

A lady went up and very bravely confessed her wrong doing...she'd cheated on her husband with their male friend 10 years back, and the male friend had subsequently cheated on her with his maid. there was so much, so much hurt in the whole situation. and... the mind-blowing thing was that the lady, her husband, and her male friend were ALL seated together at this forum. the speaker really wasn't sure how he could respond. but the thing that i'd found very odd was that all of them were already aware of the mistakes made in the past, and all of them had already talked it out and forgiven each other years ago before coming to this forum. so why was it still necessary to come and seek out a solution for themselves when it's already been resolved? what was it that made her feel like she needed to confess this in front of everyone or she'd otherwise have left with a boulder on her heart?

Last night, during the bible study lecture, the lesson was from 1 John, and the lecturer was talking about Jesus as our source of redemption. In 1 John 2:1-2, the apostle wrote that if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the world. and in 1 John 1:7 he wrote about the blood of Jesus that purifies us from all sin. When the lecturer was talking about this, that particular incident from the forum suddenly returned to my mind. and it finally hit me why they'd still felt the need to confess their wrongdoing before the audience and the speaker despite of the forgiveness they'd already received from each other and their loved ones.

it was their unquenchable and desperate yearning for atonement. and it was clear that even their remarkable forgiveness for each other was simply insufficient, such that they reached out in hope that the acceptance of the audience and speaker would satisfy that need. i finally understood, sadly, that they could never have been released from their guilt that night at the forum. because they were obviously looking for a source who could lift that guilt away for them; a source whose acceptance of their confession would truly equate to an eternal forgiveness and redemption so that they may not be held hostage to the mistakes of their past any longer. but honestly... if even the total forgiveness of her husband is not sufficient for her, who else in this entire world can be capable of doing that for her? the source of true redemption can only come from one who is qualified to offer it... who has the power such that when he says yes, it's an eternal yes. and when he says no, it's an eternal no. the Creator God of you and i has given us Jesus to do that for us. and it's real. when Jesus says you're forgiven, you are forgiven.

miss days like this...

this is by far the best and most restful day spent this holiday, just reading the quiet afternoon away after one of the best lunches my mom's ever prepared. it's such a quiet sunday, actually quiet enough to hear the birds chirp... it's rare in my neighbourhood. and my favourite late afternoon smell is back!! i still can't find a way to describe that aroma. perfect and lovely day! (:

at the Cross-road.

just wanna put in a little note here before leaving home for another long while...


JESUS IS THE SWEETEST SHEPHERD!


another chapter of life has truly opened. kinda feels like the freshness of morning rays beaming through. it is a beginning that is already far beyond anything i'd ever imagined. i'd never known God to be this real.. to hear His heart like that. for years, it used to scare me, that i could well be a deluded mind dreaming up and believing all these God-things that only other people talk about. but God graciously answered as i stubbornly struggled and searched and ran after the truth - i just wanted to know that one and only story that truth permits - whichever or whatever it is. more than that, i want to know it with a certainty that anchors the core of my heart and soul.

Jesus is really that one and only answer.


thank you for finding me.. :)

faith is...

another snippet from something that shu shared...

faith is not faith in our faith in Jesus, it's faith in Jesus' word.

paying the small prices

a little snippet from Ravi Zacharias' book that has been replaying often in my mind in the past month, popping out so very often as a stark reminder whenever i'm faced with decisions.

"You must keep in mind that God does have an appointment with you, that there is a cost to serving him. At the same time, you have to be wise and not careless. To deny that reality that there are some places where you cannot go is to play the fool. More importantly, if you have not learned to pay the smaller prices of following Christ in your daily life, you will not be prepared to pay the ultimate price in God's calling."

surrendering

i'm really grateful (and still feeling that unbelievable feeling) that God really bothers answering my prayers so preciously, and in such intimate ways. i'm super thankful for the time that God gave during last night's cell. i still do not know if it was really an effective and fruitful time and whether it truly benefited the hearts that were there but i just trust that God did His work.

When shu suggested shifting the direction of the study that i'd initially planned so that we'd be more congruent with the church, i knew that it was the right thing to do. but it was only during the session that i really understood why and i kinda had a glimpse of God's reasons behind it, and how beneficial it was to the church and works that we focused on that particular topic. (:

last night, God also pushed me into another step in faith. i still feel that burning inadequacy in leading cell studies and being a facilitator. most of the stress comes from the knowledge that 99% of the time, nothing goes according to plan, and that unpredictability scares me. my struggle comes from wanting that control and ownership of knowing where we're going to go, and it doesn't help that i don't really know how to ask the right questions. and then pile that all onto human pride, the fear of fruitlessness, etc. that was quite a weight on my mind.

yet, for the first time last night, i had that immense desire for God to come and use the time mightily, and not waste that opportunity with all of us gathered together. during my prayer and the short time of worship before cell began, I asked God to make His voice louder than my own, to speak to me and tell me what He wanted. He began by reassuring me in my surrender to Him.. to just let it go and He'll do everything such that it'd be the way He wants it to be. to the very last point i was still struggling with relinquishing that control, and then He asked me with a voice that was so tender in my heart... do you trust me? i almost got a shock. my whole heart just screamed YESSSS!!!! haha most of that was from the joy and relief of hearing from Him so intimately.
honestly, there's still a looooong looong way in learning to surrender when doing God's work. but that was a nice start (: and i'm also very thankful that shu and jo and daniel were there to raise such good questions and pointers that were quite full of wisdom (:

sleeping woes

tian...
desperately needs good sleep.

something is wrong!! ever since coming home to my own bed, i've been dreaming way too much at night that i wake up every morning even more tired than when i went to bed. and then i feel like i just wanna knock out the whole day. last night i dreamt that i was playing in a hockey tournament. TOURNAMENT okay! i don't want to remember how many matches there were. but i can remember flicking the black puck (i don't know how come it was a puck and not a ball) around and struggling with my hockey stick and feeling so stressed cos all the good players in my team were slacking and we kept losing! sigh... i have many hypotheses to this lack of good sleep. but whatever the case, i really really really need a good night's rest :(
please pray for me...

Psalm 33

i love this psalm so much..

Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
Praise the Lord with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
For the word of the Lord is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

By the word of the Lord were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the Lord;
let all the people of the world revere him.
For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
From the heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth-
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,
even as we put our hope in you.

five years on.

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

I want to fall in love with You

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

I want to fall in love with You

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

I want to fall in love with You

my heart beats for You

old treasure

I was fumbling through a stack of journals searching for the travel diary with a list of addresses that i carried along with me 2 years ago. As it always happens when you stumble across old mementos, the moments come back. (:

Anyway, here's something i found among the stash of old keeps. I had copied it in scribbly writing on the back of a floor plan that's yellow and looking older than it should.

Worship
the song of the heart that is grateful to God.
Work
Secret of success
Play
the symbol of youthfulness
Read
the source of knowledge
Think
the strength of the mind
Love
the sacrament of life
Dream
the soul of aspiration
Help
the source of happiness
Laugh
the song of experience
Pray
the source of strength
Plan
the secret to having time to be able to do all of the above.

nice, no?

Shantaram

2 months after i first picked up the book, i've reached its end. i thought i'd never finish it, because no matter how much i read, there was always such a long way to go. not that i was in a hurry to finish it. conversely, i wish the book would never end. i feel a weird sense of loss that it's over - that first time experience of reading it that i can never ever retrieve or relive. it is weird because i've never felt this way about a book before. i mean it's just a book! if it's good, then it's good and yeah that experience with it was good. but this book is different. the novelist had that capability of weaving together an incredible narrative with philosophy so richly, deeply, and astutely. there was such an open and immense honesty in his writing that made it impossible to simply read it. at so many junctures, i just had to stop and seriously consider and attempt to understand what it must have taken for him to write that one sentence, to mean what he had meant.

The reason why the book made such an impact on me was the particular honesty he had with the innermost love and evil of human beings and the confusion that often entangle them together. it was his process of attempting to disentangle them - not always explicitly - that really captured me. not that his answer was perfect, or that it was even an answer.
and the best thing that his writing did was to force that honesty upon my own heart. and revealed to myself the danger of its dishonesty that I'd been living. we may think that it is just a small dishonesty here and there with ourselves and our true thoughts, feelings, responses, character. but if we let them be and allow them to fester, some day we may never be able to reach that open, clear, honest and pure part of our souls. and that would be the greatest tragedy of living.

at the end of it all, of all the author's brilliance and reservoir of wisdom and experiences, he knows the two things that all human beings inescapably run after:

"With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved."

and it is true that that is what we live for, whether or not we know or realize or are willing to admit it. to some, that chasing after is so numbed and adulterated by the on-goings of the everyday living, and the world that pours that dilution into our souls... that they think the ceaseless and frantic scramble for truth and salvation isn't there. but it always is, and will forever be there.

from the Christ in the heavens springs the wellness of life

something snapped -
and then i was sinking into the dark and frightful abyss of turmoil in my heart and mind; so nauseating and painful that my body was left hollowed and sickened for a few hours, my head exploding from the throbbing pulse. I'd forgotten, almost completely, how this felt. the same as it was just a year ago.

but God always stays true to His wisdom. where there is hurt and anger, no matter how fiery or rightful that anger is, there will always be humility and forgiveness where Christ is.
His heavens opened and there was Jesus pouring over in all His sweetness and light.
O my Joy, so abundant!
And like the fresh and cold breeze of this night, He washes over;
Healer of my soul and my body.



sing my soul, of the Saviour's love.

being bold and daring

yestersday, daniel was praying during worship and he said something in his prayer that caught me. let us be bold and daring in our walk with Christ.

loving God is like loving challenges. the love of Christ is so high and deep that we have to take leaps and plunges in faith. well.... that's quite a big test for my faint and timid heart. i immediately remembered the article from mr. average christian about what it means to be adventurous and bold as a manly warrior of God. it's not about bungee jumping or scaling the toughest mountain. it's about the amount of courage it takes a person to do the work of God.

it wasn't a joke when Jesus told the rich ruler to give away everything he has of the world so that he may inherit the treasures of heaven, and neither is it easy! and the biggest struggle in leaving the world behind lies in the comforts of the mind and heart. it is scary letting go of the ways of thinking that I'm accustomed to, which have proven to provide a certain level of comfort while living in them. but I know that staying in there will not help in journeying further with God and his work. in yesterday's ODB, the writer expressed it aptly when he wrote about the dangers of "growing accustomed to feeling distant from God". and that "distance" can mean many many things. it's time to get sick and tired of living life at that lukewarm capacity of faith where half of my trust is in God and the other half in what I can see and predict and is safe in thinking; or believing that others, but never myself, will be called to arms or be required to run the extra miles for God; or that I was never meant to fly with Him and I will be happy just living with one foot thrust heavenward and the other cowardly in worldly mentality.

As God is bringing in the battle fields and providing the equipment to fight, right under my nose, i can no longer afford to ignore Him and delude myself by constantly assuming that i'm thinking too much. it is true that God will call other children to do it even if i don't but the point is that God wants me to do it.

and i can choose to sit it out, or dance.

(: just thinking...

my whole home is in complete darkness, save for the light from the screen of this laptop. just a few minutes ago, i stood at my parents' window with my dad and marveled at the Creation of God. only that my dad knows no God. it's the 15th of the lunar calendar, so the moon is shining like a coy beauty. beneath her was a sprinkle of stars resting on stratus clouds, fighting the city lights to twinkle. and he asked me "can you imagine how fast the moon is moving? it moves around the entire earth in a single day. but when we look at it, it doesn't look like it's moving at all." and then i asked him "how come the sun doesn't move?" and right then i realized just how marvelous gravity is! it is how God holds us still while he swiftly arranges the sky for us - with His magnetic fingers, He holds the sun still and hurries the moon on; unfurling the clouds like a blow paint artist or a sand artist! isn't He the most talented ever?

i couldn't keep it in my heart anymore and the words were so loud in my ears and choking my throat that i had to say it. i asked my father "how do you think all these came about? why do you not believe in a Creator?" hmm we went on to discuss it a little bit. he believes in the 'a few atoms came together' theory and i told him that if that was the case, these atoms must be really intelligent because all of nature and your brain and mine came out of that. and i asked him how did these atoms even come about? he had no conclusion. the thing is that no physically entity can ever explain itself (a ravi zacharias argument) and thus the answer to the beginning of physical entities has to come outside of the physical realm. anw he was really tired so we just left it at that. it was such a lovely night with the cool breeze and all. hopefully, the thoughts will run in my dad's head again and God will probe him until he comes to the Truth. Nobody knows my father better than my Father! hurhur.

haha goodnight everybody ~

eating monster

HELP! I CANNOT STOP EATING!
i'm eating at 15min intervals. this is crazy.
and it's so distracting my mind regularly slips to images of a sukiyaki steamboat or a juicy beef burger or a plate of breko's pancakes or a bowl of ichiban's special.

what's wrong man......


i'm gonna cook some tomyam maggi mee now! (:

amnesia

today, elfie (a fellow toa payoh folk) was lamenting the rise of two condominiums in front of his home and how the demographics of the place, and with that the atmosphere, shops, and so on, are going to become hip, young, and modernized. he told me the he liked the place a lot because of its old charm and the kind of breezy laid back-ness that comes with older residents. i've never ever thought of this town as charming. but when he said that, i looked out of the bus at flats from the 1970s and their mildly worn down cream coloured exterior and thought hmm oh yea!

coincidentally, i'm reading about social amnesia right now. this thing about memory and forgetting. and to quote this writer Connerton, he wrote that "a major source of forgetting is associated with the processes that separate social life from locality and from human dimensions; superhuman speed, megacities that are so enormous as to be unmemorable, consumerism disconnected from the labour process, the short lifespan of modern architecture, the disappearance of walkable cities. what is forgotten in modernity is profound, the human-scale-ness of life, the experience of living and working in a world of relations that are known."
and i thought... oh dear.. this is true! pragmatism and efficiency - our country's two favouritest words in the universe. why the hurry to run fast into the future?

with this in mind, i think i've figured out the thing about toa payoh central that i haven't really been able to put my finger on. the central area is very unlike the charming toa payoh 'suburbs' where elfie stays in. it is caught right in the middle of the processes of remembering and forgetting. it is very telling from the array of shops, the things they sell, the kind of fashion on display, the music they play, etc. there are a lot of old school elements that can be found (probably to appeal to the older residents around) but they're promoted as modernized versions of what used to be. it's like you can't survive if you don't flow with the new age trend. the central area is definitely changing with more and more franchises coming in, and upgrading will always be in progress as coffee shops shed their years to look like a mimicry of Food Junction. yea to think of it, this whole place is undergoing botox. And when i'm surrounded by elderly residents who embody the memories of another time and life, the place is a misfit. that is why my neighbourhood is hardly charming and is a jarring mix of the new and the old that doesn't really settle well.

why not age gracefully?

Shantaram

I feel like i've lived in Mumbai for years and i'm only halfway through a thousand pages.

I've been hopping between a never-ending pile of work and a never-ending book. the paper i'm working on right now is a poetry paper and i would rather pay $50 to write 5 papers on the book.

forget all the heart wrenching sob stories. after the bible, this is the most penetrative piece of work i've ever laid my eyes upon. the author has such honestly profound understanding of the human heart and condition. and such an understanding could only be made possible by the kind of experiences he'd tide through in his own insane one-of-a-kind life. to top it off, the book is set in one of the most electrifying cities i've ever read about. it totally, and i seriously mean totally, changed my negligible perspective of people in India and their country. it may be a fictitious book, but it is based on his real life experiences in the city with people who inspired almost all the characters in the book, and it is a far from romanticized portrayal of Mumbai. i'm beginning to understand why so many people are intrigued by the country. i think every person should read this book before stepping into india.

btw, the movie Shantaram will be released next year, starring johnny depp! favourite actor with a favourite book. beat that! there is absolutely no way the movie can capture the kind of literary artistry that makes the book the great book it is, but yup bombay fever! (:

Shantaram

i'm reading this book, Shantaram, now. bad bad bad choice to have opened it to "just have a glance at the first page". i love the way it's written. i don't remember reading any better story telling before this. and the author's life is just. insane.
the book's making me DIE to go to india RIGHT NOW. and also making me think twice about going for i may die if i go there.

i'm at this page that's describing one of the first few shops the author stepped into:

RADIO SICK
Electric Repair Enterprises
Electrical Sales and Repairs, Sanjay Deshpande Proprietor

hahahha radio sick???

hm. i don't understand why. i'm really so drawn into his writing from page 1. it's inspiring

christian

hehehe i thought of something before i fell asleep last night. it's a bit lame.. but still!

i like the word 'Christian' cos it's 'Christ' and 'tian' conjoined by a 't', like at the cross!
it's so symbolic!

♥

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

- Worlds Apart, Jars of Clay

an eye for an eye

lotsa interesting stuffs in today's straits times!
there was this article under foreign affairs about international relations and forgiveness between countries. it's superb!
i love this quote

an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
- Mahatma Gandhi

it's a terribly trashy day today. pits man totally.
):

word

my professor from my tuesday class astounds me with her ability to plunge so deep into words. and it isn't some artsy fartsy trying to be smart and original kinda thing. she sits you up and makes you realize the profoundness of a word. by saying something, you can actually mean so much more than what you think you mean and what people think you mean. and if nobody realizes it, does it matter?

i was thinking then to a friend and i am thinking now again that it is indeed an incredible thing to be able to put abstract thoughts and feelings into words. or to give our subconscious a meaningful existence; a form that has the ability to truly represent - in truth. or is that even possible? ahh the power of words, it's a double edged sword. and the process of writing.. it is such a strange and indecipherable experience.
words seriously can change lives.

why is it that whenever i re-read whatever i had written, it is hardly ever what i meant? i can never seem to capture the truth of my thoughts.

so my friend thinks thoughts in shapes, and i think in waves and wordless emotions. how do you literally put these kind of thoughts into words? is there anyone else who thinks thoughts this way too?

on the midnight train,

i sat across a group of hearing-impaired girls signing excitedly and laughing over one of their ID photos. as they signed, strange incoherent sounds formed as they mouthed their words. but when they laughed, their laughter was perfect and really beautiful to listen to!

streeeeeeetch.

hello first post on the macbook pro. I LOVE IT!

i feel very stretched these few weeks. in many ways. many many ways. hahah. like suddenly i'm in all the unfamiliar terrains that i would usually avoid trespassing. one of them is technology. i can't decide if i like it or hate it more.

another one of them is to do with church ministry. it's been so hectic these two weeks and i'm feeling it. hm.
i feel very challenged each time i have to lead the cell study.
and i still feel very challenged each time i place my fingers on the keyboard.
i have a lot of thoughts but i don't know how to put them down coherently.
in the least, i know that i am stretched in a positive way. God is doing a lot of work in me and through me, and i feel like i'm still at the bottom of a gigantic mountain.
long way to go....

freewheelin.

i feel like i just took a huge tumble. and i'm free falling!
not in a bad way, not in a good way either. for once, i seriously don't know where i'm going
please catch me somewhere!

on little silly prayers...

sometimes i pray about the most trivial and stupidest things like things that are barely life changing. things like.. it was my last night in Kedah and i hadn't had my favourite dish (called dua pan) from a particular stall that i'd been dreaming about since i was still in spore. but i was too paiseh to make my uncles drive out in the middle of the night to buy it (they only open during supper time!). so I half-wittingly prayed to God for it to appear on the table that night. strangely, while i was showering my father hollered from outside to ask if i wanted dua pan. of course i said yes la. and he said "there's a bowl waiting for you downstairs!" my aunt had brought some back on her way home from her mother's place. so my dua pan really appeared on the table that night!

but i didn't know what to think! i just passingly whined a prayer out and it didn't matter THAT much whether i had my food or not. and it's not like some big magical thing that happened. it is an easily logical and very happen-able coincidence. but then, i did ask God and it came true. i couldn't decide if i was amazed it. so sometimes God pampers us haha. anw my point is that i often have a tendency to negate small coincidences and answers to prayers (that i even forget about).. deep down there's a small voice saying "it can't be!" because something so small and silly can't qualify for God's magical quality. but i reasoned and thought that if I believe in a God who is in absolute control of everything that happens in every millisecond, and even bothers to know the number of hair on the head of every human being, how can a bowl of dua pan appear on a table without His knowledge?

i'm reminded of an entry in ODB on feb 9 titled God Incidents. when i read that a week ago i thought about how true it was that God often intercedes in sensible and coherent ways... rather than magical marvels or big spectacles that we naturally associate with God-size.

yeah the dua pan was grrreat! (:

Design by Robert Frost

I found a dimpled spider, fat and white,
On a white heal-all, holding up a moth
Like a white piece of rigid satin cloth --
Assorted characters of death and blight
Mixed ready to begin the morning right,
Like the ingredients of a witches' broth --
A snow-drop spider, a flower like a froth,
And dead wings carried like a paper kite.

What had that flower to do with being white,
The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?
What brought the kindred spider to that height,
Then steered the white moth thither in the night?
What but design of darkness to appall?--
If design govern in a thing so small.

we did this poem for literature class this morning. Frost is a famous pastoral poet and one of his favourite things to do is to take the intricacies of nature, tangible or not, as a prism for deeper thought. in this poem he writes about a white moth, a white spider, and a white heal-all (a flower) that were found together. all three of them are abnormalities because moths, spiders, and heal-alls in white are rare. and the chances of them being actually found on top of each other puzzled him. as he appreciates the fine details of the tiny insects, he contemplated whether things do happen randomly, or whether there is a creator behind all these. if there is a design, shouldn't there be a Designer (with a big D) behind it?

what surprised me more was the way my obviously Christian lecturer used this poem as an opportunity for some not very subtle evangelism. whenever he sees a cockroach, a fly, or some other gross insect at home, he never kills them. he would admire how beautifully made they are and how astounding the compound eye of a fly is. HAHAHA. anw, like Robert Frost, he's so captured at the finest designs of living things in our world (and so am i!). he shared his personal opinion that if there is creation, there has to be a Creator behind it. a design has to have a Designer behind it, and it's God. especially so if we notice how designs of the tiniest things are actually so astonishing.

of course I agree with him and identify with his passions. I admire his effort and courage to share this with the class and his colleagues (they were sitting in his lect too) and put up his opinions about Designer Creator God big on the screen. it hit home that no matter where we are - whether in a secular or Christian environment - we are in ministry and carrying His banner, especially if we know that it is where God means for us to be. there are other Christian profs who evangelize in their classes too!

I'm really enjoying this course more n more. i'm looking forward to the film and books (: nevermind waking at 6.30am. it's worth it (whenever i can actually get up and drag myself to sch on time)! literature in the early morning is a strategic time. it is like why Jesus does His quiet time in the morning every day. it is when minds are usually the freshest and not polluted by the heat and happenings of the day. aiyah, i should have taken a literature minor!

when will the past quit returning. each time i think it's over, things always begin to surface. when is it going to end?! freaking pest. like it's trying to rub open my nicely healed wound. but then, they say, when u've laid it all down.. what difference does it make anyway? nothing changes the steadfastness of the cross. God never disappoints when i trust him. changing my perspective is tough..but worth the try.

He picks you up each time you fall.. it's so cliche but it's so real.. literally. sometimes i can't even string a thought together to talk to him.. but he knows my heart. and every single time He's always right there. i think it's safe to trust in Jesus.. cos He'll never break my heart.

i would love to eat all the great foods in all of the world.

new year thoughts

i can't believe we're going back to school on monday. time is flying so fast it's practically teleporting itself ;(

nevertheless, it's been a wonderful break. it's one of the best holidays i've ever had. really enjoyed the month this much. most precious of all, i'm grateful that my cousins could gather for christmas and birthdays or just to catch up and make up for all the lost time this year, and also to spend time with other loved ones after such a long time apart. i'm also very happy tt good friends have come home from overseas. among many other reasons to rejoice.

it's going to be the last bittersweet semester in school. argh it's really coming to an end. despite all the stress and agony, i like uni education. so enriching.

anw most of all i wonder what God has planned. so many things can happen in a single year. surely, there'll be major changes as i graduate. i don't know if i'm more excited or nervous. like really dunno what's going to happen! at the end of the year, what kind of a person will i become? for better or for worse? for now, i think that if, at the end of the year, i'm still running the race hard, i'll give thanks and praise.