chicken day

These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. —Matthew 15:8

honestly, it sounds like me. I'm sometimes near but sometimes far. hypocrite.

i had the best chicken rice ever in the world today. Kim San Lan in Bishan st 13. please go and eat it. it trumps the maxwell chicken rice, the bishan S11 chicken rice, and (sorry grandma) my grandma's chicken rice, the pek kio chicken rice, the toapayoh lor 8 chicken rice, and all the other nice chicken rices i've ever eaten. i was thinking i shouldn't share it here cos it's going to make the queue a little bit longer haha. but good food must share. it really blew me away i couldnt stop gushing throughout dinner. it's $3.50 and the portion is HUGE (really i know i'm a small eater but it's still huge for a normal eater) and the rice is so freaking tasty and the chicken is crazy (especially its skin!). its taste is still in my mouth :)

i think i am a heat radiator. tonight, rachel and I got a kisses chocolate each while we were studying. when we were in the bus, we compared our chocolates and mine had melted like a depressed snowman and hers was still totally in tact and solid! weirded me out!

and today rach just discovered that she has a direct bus home from her church. after how many years lols.

so fast... it's thursday already. too fast! didn't reading week just start?

and our days are so numbered.. :(

i really wonder how i'm going to make it through. like i can imagine myself doing fine, but I keep seeing a big hole in my heart. you think God will fill it up...?

fear

i know that i'm supposed to be studying. but.. as though by default, the moment i lift my head up from my reading, my mind begins to wander there. i surprise myself you know. no matter how tired i am of thinking about all these, i just keep going back there against my will.

tonight the fear came back again. i'm like the Israelites in the bible who witnessed many miracles of God and had the amazing ability of forgeting them. i'm like the jews who saw Jesus's miracles and still chose not to believe in him.
but i've never seen any personal miracles big enough to blow my mind ok?

it's like the whole fear of being disillusioned coming back again. who cares about what other people have experienced? i can't base my faith on other people's experiences. what if i had imagined and conjured all my little experiences with God simply because i badly wanted some experiences to assure myself that i wasn't deluded? i know i may sound like i'm going crazy, but i believe these are real fears and that i am not the only one who has ever thought such thoughts.

in my little mind, i think that i'm experiencing this pain now because I chose God. I chose to sacrifice that for a life with God. and it is really so painful that i cannot help but think that this God had better be real. i cannot help but want to be sure that this sacrifice is worth it. like this time, FOR REAL. no more "i think so..." and "i guess so..." and "it has to be, right...? because so-and-so assures me so and because so-and-so had experienced this" and "i cannot be ungrateful".

yeah, i wouldn't say that the words of comfort that has been streaming from the bible and from daily bread are pure coincidences. yet, deep inside, i have to be honest and admit that it is not enough. I'm not asking for God to appear in front of me, but I just want a deep and personal assurance from Him. I know that in the bible it says that if i don't want to believe, even if God performed a miracle before me, i still won't believe. But i really do not think that it is so wrong to ask for God to reveal his realness in a deeper way that would move my heart and my soul to its core. when Jesus died on the cross, i know He feared too and still He did it out of an inexplicable love. but He definitely knew that his Father was 100% real the way he knew his little finger exists. He feared the pain and the fright of death, but he didn't have to feel the fear of his Father being a farce and that he may be dying for nothing. ok maybe if i had been more righteous like Jesus and maintained a better relationship with God, i wouldn't be having these thoughts right now.

is it wrong to ask God for something like that? I just read (from a site) that the reason why some people are too afraid and think it disrespectful to ask God for anything is because they are aware of their shortfall and their misgivings, and do not think themselves worthy of asking things from a big and powerful God. But the truth is, they say, that it stems from not fully comprehending the majesty of God's forgiveness. and that our acceptance of that forgiveness and repentance bridges that gap of shortfall and unworthiness.

if it isn't wrong to ask, then maybe the problem is, when God does reveal it to me, am i going to downplay it and forget like the Israelites did?

anw in frustration, i googled "is there a god?" and i came to this site. I think it is pretty good and the stuff about creation and the order of nature (that could actually blow the minds of big scientists) kinda captured my attention (a lot).

waiting... again.

sigh.. what's the point of all the anger? it's not bringing anybody forward. and i drive myself up my own wall.

so what if who's right or who's wrong? so what if whoever made good or bad decisions? so what if i have the right to be angry? i can't have the whole world the way i think is right. definitely not.. that's very selfish too. we just get through our grime and learn and learn and learn.

i'm reminded of how shu always told me that God does glorious things from the messes we make. not that we chuck them one side and push the responsibility to God, but we learn the hard way from it and also get to see and experience the work of God at the same time.

when i look back at everything, they bring me tears because the memories are good. all that had happened in the past one month can never discount those memories. they are precious and close to my heart.

:)

i've learnt that the questions that i had always been asking were not the important ones.

it is time to wait. all over again.

this time, to wait on the Author of our lives. that was what i'd thought i was doing, but nope. this time, i'm doing it His right way.

hung ever so loosely on my tongue, I've finally FINALLY understood what that means. it's never too late to look at faith in a whole new way.

shit man the anger is eating at me.

i keep telling myself to wake up and stand up for myself. stop being so nice and let them trample all over you. so what if he cares? he's still hurting you because of his subsequent decisions. i think he doesn't see the pain. because it's not his pain. to him, it's just his guilt. so once i forgive, it's done it's gone. and so he carries on his little friendship.

i think one day my brains will shoot up the roof.

God tells me to lay down my rights. but to what extent? to the extent of becoming blindly stupid? the way things this soap opera is unfolding is disturbing. After all that has happened, how does he have the capacity to rationalize like that? how does he have the capacity to lend her so many excuses? !!???!?!??! I have only one plausible reason: he doesn't know the pain.

God gave discernment as a gift of wisdom for a purpose. The facts are all before your eyes. Nothing much can discount actions. wake up dude!!!!!!!! not everybody is an angel. weren't you always the all-logical guy? If that counts as friendship worth treasuring to you, please don't insult other people's friendship with you.

at some point of time, enough will be enough. there's no point forcing myself to be understanding again and again. i'm reaching my limit soon. very soon.

my printer is up (: finally after replenishing the ink. seriously a luxury to have it whenever i need it. not the best in the world but it would suffice.

a day all to myself this easter. though i wish it didn't have to be just god and me right now but it's been a rather peaceful time.

owells...


i should read one last novel before i have to begin the mugging

acushla

what's around the riverbend...?

to be remembered, the grace of my god

Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.

2 chronicles 20:15-17

all i see is the tunnel.. where is its end..?

what open mindedness?

I was reading an online article and I consider it is such hypocrisy that "open-minded" people remark that religious teachings and values are narrow minded and discriminatory.

I learnt from my economic geography classes about neo-liberalism and the washington consensus. these are ideologies that the West (namely US) impose on the rest of the world through numerous means. Basically, they advocated free trade and open economies and democracy and deregulation. and anything that went against that, such as protectionism, were all bad and should be changed. But people have questioned.. are these truly good for everyone? Have these ideologies serve to diminish inequality and poverty for others? have these serve the development of the world? or are these simply agendas of the West that inherently contain formulas for them to better themselves and maintain their supremacy? Anyway, just look at the kind of crisis it has thrown us into right now.

Similarly, the West has advocated new ways of thinking and living. Being open-minded, radical, and all-accepting are the only ways we can move forward, they say. and these ideas have been mobilized and are moving into many developed parts of the world (where people are supposedly better at thinking). Many of us who are Western educated, especially students who have been a part of such environments, bring home these "modern" ways of living and promote them here. Then again, people have questioned.. are these truly good for everyone? are they appropriate for every society in the world? Do these radical ideologies and the stripping of "narrow-minded values" serve the development of people where they are being championed for? or do these simply serve the agendas of those who can benefit from them? aren't these mentalities a part of the reproduction of capitalism, where they tell us what to consume and how to consume? aren't these mentalities promoted by the gay community because they need these in order to better themselves? Many don't realize the mess it has made with our minds.

what i am trying to say is, people don't realize that they are simply subscribing to ideologies that tell them how to live their lives without really, really knowing what is good and what is not for themselves. There are many who subscribe to religion without truly knowing and understanding why and how, and they are criticized as people who simply follow what they are told in the bible, and are controlled by the Church and by an invisible God. Don't people outside the Church (or any other religious institutions) also realize that their lives too are controlled by the ideologies of others? and to say that a huge proportion of these people are simply blind followers of radical values isn't too far from the truth.

Even the celebration of postmodern rationality over religious theories of faith are also mentalities that have been socialized into our living. This way of thinking is inherently politicized in the grapple for power, just as how religious philosophies are argued to have been made superior in the long-ago past for political purposes. Which is truly better for us, we'd never know.

I don't have an answer and I have no right to say what is good/right and what is bad/wrong. What I know is that we have to be aware and think beyond the thoughts and mindsets that we just take for granted, and really decide for ourselves what is best for the people we love.

I have learnt that saying life is beautiful, and simply living life thinking that it is is not enough. I have to first know what beauty truly is.