fear

i know that i'm supposed to be studying. but.. as though by default, the moment i lift my head up from my reading, my mind begins to wander there. i surprise myself you know. no matter how tired i am of thinking about all these, i just keep going back there against my will.

tonight the fear came back again. i'm like the Israelites in the bible who witnessed many miracles of God and had the amazing ability of forgeting them. i'm like the jews who saw Jesus's miracles and still chose not to believe in him.
but i've never seen any personal miracles big enough to blow my mind ok?

it's like the whole fear of being disillusioned coming back again. who cares about what other people have experienced? i can't base my faith on other people's experiences. what if i had imagined and conjured all my little experiences with God simply because i badly wanted some experiences to assure myself that i wasn't deluded? i know i may sound like i'm going crazy, but i believe these are real fears and that i am not the only one who has ever thought such thoughts.

in my little mind, i think that i'm experiencing this pain now because I chose God. I chose to sacrifice that for a life with God. and it is really so painful that i cannot help but think that this God had better be real. i cannot help but want to be sure that this sacrifice is worth it. like this time, FOR REAL. no more "i think so..." and "i guess so..." and "it has to be, right...? because so-and-so assures me so and because so-and-so had experienced this" and "i cannot be ungrateful".

yeah, i wouldn't say that the words of comfort that has been streaming from the bible and from daily bread are pure coincidences. yet, deep inside, i have to be honest and admit that it is not enough. I'm not asking for God to appear in front of me, but I just want a deep and personal assurance from Him. I know that in the bible it says that if i don't want to believe, even if God performed a miracle before me, i still won't believe. But i really do not think that it is so wrong to ask for God to reveal his realness in a deeper way that would move my heart and my soul to its core. when Jesus died on the cross, i know He feared too and still He did it out of an inexplicable love. but He definitely knew that his Father was 100% real the way he knew his little finger exists. He feared the pain and the fright of death, but he didn't have to feel the fear of his Father being a farce and that he may be dying for nothing. ok maybe if i had been more righteous like Jesus and maintained a better relationship with God, i wouldn't be having these thoughts right now.

is it wrong to ask God for something like that? I just read (from a site) that the reason why some people are too afraid and think it disrespectful to ask God for anything is because they are aware of their shortfall and their misgivings, and do not think themselves worthy of asking things from a big and powerful God. But the truth is, they say, that it stems from not fully comprehending the majesty of God's forgiveness. and that our acceptance of that forgiveness and repentance bridges that gap of shortfall and unworthiness.

if it isn't wrong to ask, then maybe the problem is, when God does reveal it to me, am i going to downplay it and forget like the Israelites did?

anw in frustration, i googled "is there a god?" and i came to this site. I think it is pretty good and the stuff about creation and the order of nature (that could actually blow the minds of big scientists) kinda captured my attention (a lot).