how do birds fly in the rain? isn't it very painful??

my king saves

i just want this to be over.
i want to be free again.

sigh. holidays please come quick.
i'd love to see the sun again


your grace is enough.
please let me stand up and run like before.

Jesus the way to the Father

"Jesus answered. 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him'."

John 14:6-7

A season of Forgiveness

This is really a long season of lessons on forgiveness.
and it is such an important lesson because it is the basis of the entire Christian faith. the forgiveness of God that Christ brought to the world that we may see eternity.

i've been struggling hard with it.. and i am still struggling with it. struggling to forgive others and struggling in my relationship with God as I grapple with my ugliest sins and His forgiveness. Last night, i read this in utmost for his highest:

"Beware of the pleasant view of the fatherhood of God: God is so kind and loving that of course He will forgive us. That thought, based solely on emotion, cannot be found anywhere in the New Testament. The only basis on which God can forgive us is the tremendous tragedy of the Cross of Christ. To base our forgiveness on any other ground is unconscious blasphemy. The only ground on which God can forgive our sin and reinstate us to His favor is through the Cross of Christ. There is no other way! Forgiveness, which is so easy for us to accept, cost the agony at Calvary. We should never take the forgiveness of sin, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and our sanctification in simple faith, and then forget the enormous cost to God that made all of this ours.

Forgiveness is the divine miracle of grace. The cost to God was the Cross of Christ. To forgive sin, while remaining a holy God, this price had to be paid. Never accept a view of the fatherhood of God if it blots out the atonement. The revealed truth of God is that without the atonement He cannot forgive— He would contradict His nature if He did. The only way we can be forgiven is by being brought back to God through the atonement of the Cross. God’s forgiveness is possible only in the supernatural realm.

Compared with the miracle of the forgiveness of sin, the experience of sanctification is small. Sanctification is simply the wonderful expression or evidence of the forgiveness of sins in a human life. But the thing that awakens the deepest fountain of gratitude in a human being is that God has forgiven his sin. Paul never got away from this. Once you realize all that it cost God to forgive you, you will be held as in a vise, constrained by the love of God."

i don't know if i can put my thoughts into words..
i recall many times in the past 5 years when i wondered to myself and to God if i was really a christian because i know that i don't really get the truth about Christ dying on the cross for us. i know it in my mind but yet i don't really know it. in fact, i barely know it. i can proclaim it with my lips but it has never been written on my heart.

these few months, i've been experiencing the biggest tussle ever with forgiveness. placing forgiveness for others aside..just between me and God.. sometimes i really feel the gap. like i can't cross it, and i can't reach out to be with Him. God is a holy God, and true to His nature, He will never allow anything unholy to be near Him. which is me. even though i pray and pray for His forgiveness, mercy, and loving kindness to cleanse and draw me to Him again, it kinda doesn't happen. especially in the last few days, the struggle was intense and i was just so confused, disheartened and a little scared. Does He not want me anymore? maybe He really hates me now. are there anything else that are not right and I haven't been thinkin about?

when i read what Oswald Chambers wrote (i rarely check out that devotion book), it hit me so clearly. this problem i've always had but never really dealt with was back in my face. and i have to do something about it. this thing about Jesus and the cross.

All my christian life, I don't know how i have walked 5 years with it and think that i have a relationship with God. Whenever i seek forgiveness, i have been bypassing the cross. God sacrificed his Son the way He did, Jesus died the way He did, so that today i have this privilege of having a personal relation with God. it would not be in anyway possible if Jesus had chosen not to die, if God had chosen not to give His Son. Oswald Chambers really hit the nail home. The basis of God's forgiveness that i always had in my mind was really just the basis of emotions. God's love and kindness. but it so isn't that!! I always, always skipped the Cross cos i didn't really understand it, and never had the patience to be gripped by the tragedy of the Cross of Christ.

Jesus is the only way. the only way in all sense of it. to get to God, we need Jesus. the blood of Jesus that cleanses and makes us right that we can fellowship with God. for the forgiveness of God, the first checkpoint is always the foot of the Cross where Jesus gave His life. i don't really know how to say it.

maybe everything that i've journeyed with God so far, in all its goodness, is not even near the experience of a real fellowship with the Father in Heaven. maybe this time, it will be it. maybe it will be a really long and tough season of learning, but God will allow me to learn His forgiveness in all its truth and power. to be overwhelmed by what it is, for it to be seared onto my heart forever.. that we may share a relationship the way God meant for it to be.

and when i finally receive the forgiveness of God for what it really means (it's so unimaginable i can't conceive it at all), i believe that He will empower me to bring the forgiveness of Christ to those whom i must learn to forgive. We love because He first loved us.

what is it like to be constrained by the love of God?

i'm feeling so many things about this that i don't know what i'm feeling!

flee them!

WOOOHOOOO the night is freezing and my voice is broken
but! one evening of freedom feels so great!

before i wake up in the morning and the nightmare begins.

okie. back to youtube!


oh yah, before i go i just wanna write this down to remember. cos it's the last day of school for the year (minus the exams. bleagh.)
this has been one of the best semesters EVER in university (and probably one of the most life-changing ones). God blessed with abundance..everything! Friendships, classmates, brothers and sisters in Christ, school work, learning, classes, professors etc. I really had a good good time. and a lot of people who taught me so many things and friends I really love and can share my dreams and thoughts with. next semester will be so different. everyone's off to do their own theses and ISMs and we wont really be together through classes anymore. and some won't even be in spore :( kinda think it'd get lonelier.. but maybe not? hahah. wonder what God has installed for us.

we're alive!

forgiving...again.

forgiveness is such a tough call. you want to do it, and you think u've done it. but in reality, it's a different story.

i don't know why it has to happen again. and i don't really like the fact that i have to deal with it one more time. it's creeping and floating around at the back of my head in the midst of all the busyness.

i thought that i have forgiven; it's done and gone. but i guess that forgiveness came out of a blind delusion, reality warped by a whole pile of emotions.
now that the veil is lifting, and i see the reality of what had happened, i'm beset with a whole new surge of anger, disgust, and bitterness. and a whole new process of forgiving that i have to plough through again.

to be honest, i hate it. i don't like the anger, but i can't seem to get past it. it's a freaking tension that haunts me all the time. with each prayer, it goes away. but it comes back again. and i feel like i'm just waiting for God to strike and take it away for good. swap my bullet-ridden heart for a brand new one!

sometimes i think about all the time that this whole thing has taken up. over a year of my life. and counting. even though i know that God has made a lot of good out of this mess, i can't help but want to kick myself for wasting such a long period of time torturing myself because of my poor decisions.

ok back to work. just needed to rant and get this out of my system.
:( not a good evening at all. bad throat, a slight fever, a throbbing head, and an uninspired mind.

the sweet aroma of the afternoon is intoxicating;
a piece of heaven in this world!

tugs and hugs.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.

Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature he will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

- Galatians 6

spot on, timely words. God is our best instructor and our biggest encourager.
actually, He is our no. 1 fan. nobody can love us more than He does.
don't miss His tugs and hugs. (:

just enough.

these few weeks have just been nuts. like really crazily stressed and overworked. and it's not going to end until december comes. i hate admitting it, but i have a feeling i'm going to burn out very soon. been reading so much that my eyes are hurting. i'm beginning to get this fear of mediocrity. and i keep thinking that whatever i come up with is just not good enough and i have to push myself to think better, further, and deeper. it's like traces of perfectionism emerging. even though i love reading and thinking about these things, the joy is slowly being drained away. by the overwhelming need to produce my best. to the point where i don't even want to start writing anything cos my thoughts are just not good enough for me to put down. i have to write something good enough so that i can cross the second class mark by this semester. all my eggs are in one basket. i'm stressed and inefficient. period. i know that it is becoming unhealthy and i don't want myself to be like that. yet i can't seem to help it. until today.. God showed me something.

it is something that was seemingly so trivial, but it spoke a great deal to me.
i received two papers back from my professor today. before i received them, i asked God for it to be enough. i did well for one, but very mediocre for the other. i was disappointed. and very stressed. how am i going to make the grade? i began thinking why didn't i write this and why didn't i do that and i shouldn't have done this and that. i knew that somehow i had to settle for whatever that was given, give thanks no matter what, and trust that God will provide what He thinks i need. I told alina that I guess God would provide exactly what I need - no more and definintely no less. I knew that my life should never be about grades but about my destiny in Jesus. but it didn't settle well.

as i journeyed home late at night..the stress kept gnawing at me. the overwhelming load of work, the discouragement from the morning. i kept praying that God will let me have a heart of thankfulness. and to let go of my tight grip over my work. and then it suddenly occured to me that all i kept seeing was my mediocre grade and how it meant the extra work for the final exam. that i didn't realize that actually, if i had bothered looking at the proportion of the papers' weightage, my grade was exactly what was needed to make the cut. it was really nothing more and nothing less. i was astonished at myself, at His precise provision, and at my answered prayer for it to be enough. it is, on hindsight, such a trivial thing. but God spoke a lot to me through this, to everything that i have been struggling with the past few weeks. He gave me a peace that i haven't had in weeks. let go and believe in His control. because Christ will always be enough. in every sense that we can make of it.

becks, i read the note you posted too. and it encouraged me a lot. you're right, trusting God has to go beyond my lips. (:

re-searching research.

i love word plays!

i don't know what it is that drains me. whether it is the stress from having to produce a gazillion papers, or the content of the books and articles that i have to plough through.

the world's problems are unsolvable. but it doesn't mean that we give up.

this whole academic industry is the epitome of "thinking too much". thinking about thinking. lol let me off and save my brain. there is no end. but then again if nobody thinks about these things, it's even worse. the problem is, what these people think about seldom translate into real help for the people they study. then what is the point?

what i firmly believe is this - to be a researcher, you must have the guts to be truly unselfish, with compassion and maturity. otherwise you are simply another perpetuator of the capitalist world.