I noticed it's just been a month since the last post, but it feels as though many have passed. so many MANY (and i REALLY mean many)things have happened and are happening. Though the energy drive is exciting and the issues that i have to deal with are interesting and strange, it's tiring me out really fast. one thing that does remain though (as always) is the faithfulness of God. With every step of this journey, God amazes me more and more, and i think someday He's going to blow my mind big time. i know it sounds insane but He's made me so happy i could cry.

anw, just a few thoughts on this seminar that I'd attended. it's called the landmark forum and i'd been so reluctant attending it. the only and only reason i'm doing it is my mother. i can't deny that it's changed her quite a bit and it means a lot to her, so what's the harm in just sitting there for three days and being open minded about it? A LOT OF HARM. and it was just one big torturing weekend. REALLY. my mind has never suffered this much before.

the course is basically kinda like a self-help course with "cutting-edge technology" that transforms your outlook of life to a more positive, wholesome and complete one. Ultimately, i think happiness is what everyone there was looking for. in fact, i think that is what EVERYBODY wants. It was about creating space in our minds by gettign complete with our pasts, inventing possibilities, identifying and then surpressing our negative thoughts and things like that. I can't deny that the course is intelligent and yes intellectually stimulating because it really explores the human mind, but it doesn't go much beyond that. I mean everything is really self-driven and it requires SO MUCH (AND I REALLY MEAN SO SO SO MUCH) willpower, mental discipline and emotional strength of our own to apply that kind of 'technology' to our daily lifestyles. I can't underestimate the transformational power it has had in the lives of some people and those around them, but there is a limit to our human ability and the capacity of our minds. One day, we're going to get really tired trying to overcome our own minds everyday. One day, something big and disastrous happens, something takes your beloved ones away, something happens and wrecks your life so bad that you breakdown emotionally and uncontrollably. Will your mind be able to overcome that? Will you have that capacity in a hellish state like that with your heart and mind all scattered? I can't say for sure but I doubt it. Just how much of our own emptiness are we able to fill by our own strength? The question itself doesnt even make sense because if we were able to fill our own emptiness, it wouldn't have existed in the first place. I think you know my answer to all these, and yeap there is only One answer to the void and emptiness that we're all searching so fervently for ways to fill, cover, take away, whatever. That is REALLY the answer and an answer, and I say that meaning it with all my heart and soul and with my life.

There's a rainstorm brewing right outside my window, and I can smell the strong scent of impending rain (the loveliest smell in the world!=) how many times have i said this?). There're a gazillion leaves fluttering down among scarlet flowers. and here I am cosy at my table looking out. I wish Jess was right here with her camera! It's really very pretty and romantic. I'm trying to memorize this.

God an excuse?

yesterday, a friend was telling me about how hard he'd fought for what he'd badly wanted, and achieved what he deserved. it's truly very admirable. later on, he questioned the necessity of a God if he is able to fight for what he wants and achieve it in his own right with his own might. listening to each step of his journey, i was wondering where God was all that while. He was probably there, simply that my friend didn't know. I know that soaring feeling, of being able to achieve something that once challenged you tremendously, and knowing how hard you'd fought for it, how much you'd deserved it, knowing how independent you are and how strong you've become because of it. That's why it is difficult for people who have it all in their lives to come before God because they don't even see the need for it. That is why God loves the broken.

On the contrary, we were talking about people who use God as an excuse. I've questioned myself and asked God about that many times, because it is true that people do use God as an excuse and as a way out. like "oh, this is just not what God wants for me. I should just quit and look somewhere else" or "if it's meant to be, it'll be" kinda attitude. and that is how non-christians see us too. i'm not surprised. sometimes, i wonder too.. how would I know whether I'm simply being a quitter using God as an excuse. I think it all boils down to the most fundamental thing in being a Christian. It isn't even just simply faith. It is the relationship we share with God. I realise that people who have not experienced the realness of God and have a relationship with Him can never understand. It is because of this relationship that we hear and know what God wants for us. That's how we'd know whether it is truly His will and His guidance or whether it's just our human self trying to go the easy way out. And above all, I believe it tells. whether u're simply a quitter or a person making a wise Godly decision. people will be able to tell.

studying all these stuffs about the human-nature relationship makes me feel more and more ugly about my human race. the way we treat what we deem to be of a lower order is really very very questionable. but it's undeniable that we were made to be a privileged specie, with the ability to think and rationalize that no other animal or plant can. and that places us at the pinnacle. even if we have compassion and consideration for other animals (note other! we're still instinctively animals, just that we're able to suppress those instincts with our rationality), there is still that inherent sense of dominance that enables us to even feel that compassion in the first place right.

maybe i should go be an environmentalist!

seriously all these reading and studying about human and animals.. it's MESSING with my brains!! i can't even look and play with my hamster, Frank, normally anymore. because i think of how cruel it is to keep him in a cage, and to even have a pet in the first place. it's like stroking our human ego to have control over our pet. and what makes me think that Frank is happy being my pet? what even gives me the right to NAME him Frank? hamsters probably have their own names in their own language, or maybe they aren't even supposed to have names! giving him a human name's like subjugating him to my human gaze, and he's seriously just there for my amusement. AH i feel cruel. he should return to where he originally belongs! where do hamsters originate from anw? i dont even know!

anyway i noticed that nearly ALL the profs i've come across in uni love to critique our government left right centre with A LOT of truth in their critiques. which make our govt look really lame and crappy to me right now. i mean it's undeniable too that what they do is necessary to an extent, but is there another way. it's just so... my goodness. hahaha. FAKE.

This Road by Jars of Clay


All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel may it be the straight and narrow
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

it's never going to be easy, isn't it? but it is worth it.

I've a big thanksgiving - i'm healed! finally finally =) my skin is just scarred now which means that all the infected spots have dried up! 110% dry wahhaha. I'm so grateful. it's really within the two weeks, and it's really before november. I hadn't dared to give God a dateline i mean who can? it is always up to Him, and it'll be as if i was testing him. but i asked in the most respectful way i could hahahah and it wasnt so bad anyway. and He's answered. TGBG. i'm happy! and relieved. these days, i have been feeling so much lighter. lol it's really different. i can plunge into my bed with no inhibition and roll around without thinking of anything else. when i shower i can rub and scrub my legs up and down all i like! it's a milestone hahahh.

On a heavier note, one of my dad's best friends passed away this morning. He's been suffering from ALS for a couple of years. it's the same illness that the professor in Tuesdays With Morrie had. the doctor gave him 2 years and true enough, He's passed within the two years. my father's very sad and I think he's yet to come to terms with it. a lot of things has changed and happened within the last 2 years for himself, his family, and many others. both the good and the bad, just as in everything else. lots of things that people have come to learn and understand, lots of other things that are left uncomprehended.

BAD bad skin

currently feeling very exhausted.

this week was just very stressful and hell-like...

the worst part was that.. the condition of my wounds deteriorated AGAIN. this time, they reopened and grew bigger. and i now suspect that the enormous acnes that started to appear again could be an allergic reaction to antibiotics, or a combination of a food with the antibiotics. i was on the edge of a major break down. it's how insane!!! how long is this going to drag... heal, open, heal, open, heal, open NEVER ENDING! i want to go back to play touch rugby again. SOON!

my physical condition is a mirror reflection of my spiritual health. the condition of my skin is like my spiritual journey, up and down and up and down like the waves. not very healthy. I tend to think that this is the way God makes sure i stay close to him. When i'm not, he uses my legs to pull me back again. because whenever my skin condition goes down, i have to pray fervently and in the process i'm drawn closer. it could be His way of telling me firmly that my recovery is going to be nothing else but His doing. This is sure learning the hard way. but i guess learining the hard way = remembering better.

At first, it seemed natural enough to look at the brighter side of things. y'know the way i usually am. God was encouraging in my daily walk and i began learning so many things and i grew a little stronger. He used this to open my eyes and mind as i learnt about other forms of handicaps, and i began to identify differently with what i see and read about them from before. He showed me what was truly worth admiring and the depth of the human capacity that He had enabled.
And as time dragged, it got tougher and more trying as it got worse and unpredictable. There were times I'd just wanted to scream even though i knew how stupid it would look if another girl with an amputated limp was sitting beside me. there is so much to be thankful about, but i can't deny that the acute frustration. and it makes me feel very human. u know, admitting the anger makes me feel real. sometimes, i just force away the unhappiness instead to keep myself thinking positively.

And, as He always does provide, i think i've met the doctor who will really save my legs. haha. He's good and the cream and ointment he prescribed me is VERY effective. way better than any of the other million things i've tried on my skin. the doc gave me 2 weeks. 2 weeks! i'd be OVERJOYED if all these were over in two weeks! and I told God that PLEASEPLEASE last time! just let it go away. today, Wendy told me that her pastor had gone to China and got bitten by sandflies like me.. and after a year, it was still there. =S A YEAR??! oh my... i couldn't imagine. maybe it's become an integrated lifestyle. she must have that tolerence.

anyway, i'll always have hope in my heart.

going vegeterian?

In our nature and society lecture today, our lecturer showed us this documentary about animal slaughter. it was so, so, so gut wrecking and gross beyond the point of inhumane. ugh. I swear I've never sat through any video or show feeling like tt before. i couldn't bear to look on because it was so disgusting i wanted to break down. i think many ppl in the class felt the same way too but at the same time i just had to continue watching because it was too shocking. all the horror behind the opaque walls of slaughter houses. they went through nearly every type of meat u can think of. YUCKS. how will i ever eat meat again while being reminded of those images?

anyway, i can't really figure it out. it's hard to be empathetic and opinionated at the same time. I mean, all of us humans need to eat food right, and we're on top of the food chain and there are so so so so many of us to feed. so does tt mean we NEED this kind of mass production? and if the answer is yes, then how can we make it less cruel while still meeting our needs? are we overproducing? i think the problem here is that people don't really bother, but we can't blame them either. what i mean is, no matter how you look at it, there is hardly anyway to make mass slaughtering of animals for food production any less nazi-looking because that is what it really is. and it is expected that any company would want to maximize profits right? so in that sense increasing the efficiency of the slaughterhouse isn't going to make them any less cruel. it's still massacre. and what about the people working at the slaughter houses? what goes through their mind when they do their job everyday? do they inwardly apologize to the animals? silently utter a prayer for each animal that lost their live? i don't think so and we can't really expect them to do so. it's such menial tedious labour that it's just become a process. I don't know la i'm very confused myself i can't come up with my own conclusion about what i think about all these. As in, we know it is wrong, but to what extent can we fault these people?

there's this part in the notes tt quotes Proverbs 12:10 - A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast. so....? i think God gave us these for food, but at the same time we have to take the lives of the animals into consideration, because they can feel pain and happiness even though they can't think and rationalize like us. where and how do we strike the balance?

argh ethics are tough.

Goodness of television

been watching lotsa tv this weekend! i love it. heh. my childhood deprivation. nwo i dont have to ask permission when i want to watch the tv. anw, last night i stayed up super late to catch the re-run of Homeless to Harvard on hallmark. hallmark has GREAT inspiring shows i must say. it's my family's favourite. I don't say inspiring for nothing. the show was about a girl who fought her way to Harvard through sheer determination to break out of her poverty.

she's exactly one of the "Superkids" that prof quah talked about in her last lecture. nature and nurture both went wrong for them (ie. family genes and environment are bad), yet they are able to succeed outstandingly as grownups or even as a child. till today, social scientists can't really pin it down how it happens. i think all these researchers try too hard to put a pattern or category to everything. but in reality, everybody has their own individual unique choices that do not happen in the same way to another human being.
to the homeless girl, Liz, she was thankful that her security blanket (like her mom who was her source of love or a roof over her head) was ripped away from her so that she wouldn't have had the choice of going easy on herself and falling back on her security blanket in wallow in her helplessness.
so, if all of us had our security blankets taken away, how many of us would go into desolation and how many would rise out of it?

so many people... so many people in the world. and i'm just a speck. if i disappeared, nothing much would change, would it? that's what i think to myself too, sometimes. But i know it is not true.

AND this afternoon, it was A Walk To Remember that aired on tvee. sweeeeet really sweet! placing their romance alongside the others i see around me, the one thing that stood out most in them was the giving. Love is giving. that is something so rare to see nowadays. for them, it was always about what the other wanted, hardly about what they wanted for themselves.

this is the part i love most in the movie - when jamie stands by the water and feels the wind on her body. Carter told her he couldn't fathom her strong faith. and she said that it is like the wind... you can't see it, but you can feel it. I've never thought of it like that! it's interesting.

God is the wind, and I am standing on the porch enjoying the breeze. So when somebody sitting inside the room asks me about my faith, he wouldn't really understand it because he can't feel it like I do because he hasn't taken leap of faith to stand outside the room. But what he can see is my wind-swept hair and my skirt dancing in the breeze, and that is me allowing God to do his work through me so that His goodness becomes a little more tangible. THAT is what people can see.

ever wondered what changes a person when his heart begins aching for someone?
Humility. heh. I was just watching the korean show revolving gambling All In. some guy in the show said that, and it struck hard. lotsa truth in that.

feels good to be home! I was looking forward to relaxing my mind totally these few days during the midsem break BUT look at how the schedule just piles up. it sucks :( i have so much work and so many things to run around doing. Guess i'll just have to wait for the next 3-month holiday next year.

dance n irrationality

just had the first dance class for our hall's dance production. the contemporary one was highly enjoyable! I like the egyptian music and the steps are pretty simple and followable. plus it was quite funny haha, think we all had a fun time. the hiphop class that followed was just insane. it was SO fast and SO difficult i don't even know how to do a ripple and it was rippling everywhere! i wish we had more time to learn tt one i couldn't even enjoy anything while trying to even vaguely remember the steps. anyhow, it was good! the air-con in the dance studio beats anything in this crazy sweltering heat.


it's a very natural thing to be more reactive towards people who mean something to us. as in, we tend to flare more easily because we get more sensitive and think less before we say harsh words or think harsh thoughts. it probably is wrong, may be weird, but it's natural. it's a sign that the relationship means more than the usual. I know it's true, but whatever, I don't like behaving irrationally yet sometimes I just do and I dislike it that way. It's so childish! if you think irrational thoughts, it's not that bad as long as you don't act in that manner because it shows that you still have a grasp on reality and of what makes sense, and you probably won't end up hurting anybody else or making things unnecessarily complicated. you know what i mean? but at the end of the day, everything still stems from the heart so.. o'well...

case of the whizzy fan

my favourite tell-tale sign in the world - the embracing smell of impending rain! it's right outside my room :)

something happened today that made me really happy. it's a small day-to-day living thing but it is still heartening. this afternoon, i came back to hall to find my fan making annoyingly loud whizzing-buzzing noises. and I was thinking ARGH. I have to prepare for a test in the evening and it'll be such a hassle to get the hall office to mend the fan or replace it and there will be dust everywhere and there will be lots of cleaning up to do. and also, there are hamsters in my room which cannot be seen by the hall office people or i'll be slapped with a fine. worse still, the whole room was reeking of hamster pee! i tried to prod a bit with the fan but i was running late for class so i had no choice but to go.

During family lecture, I had no idea why but I just felt the urge to pray about the stupid fan in my room! so I prayed and asked God to take away the noise in the fan, bind it in His name and throw it out of my room! anw i came back from lecture and it was still buzzing when i turn it up at higher speed. nvm.. i headed out for tuition, and when i came back, presto! the fan was perfectly fine! I precariously turned it to maximum speed and it's still silent! I felt so relieved I could study in my room and I wouldn't have to bother about contacting the office and everything. =D it's just a small thing, but it means much to me that a prayer was answered so explicitly.

stormy-weathered friends

real friends are there for you through your thick and thin right? they dont run away when you're going through a difficult period or when u're in a sticky situation. they'll stand by you no matter what other people say.. they'll be there in your sorrow. but what about the joy? i think it's sad to know that you're only thought about when your friend needs you because he or she is feeling helpless or down. although it's a good thing to be always there for your friend and that he knows that he can count on you, it hurts to think that you're not needed otherwise. I feel like a pillow. I think a friendship is only real when we share both our joy and pain. How can friendships be there by default and made use of only when u need them? It really gets me down sometimes and I feel so disappointed. It hurts all the more because it didn't use to be like that.

I was thinking too, that this is the way I treat my GOd sometimes. Now i know how sad He must be when I do this. like i make the extra effort only when i'm in the dumps and in a desperate situation, or when i'm feeling helpless and hurt blahblah. but when life is smooth and normal, I forget that he's still working to sustain our relationship and it must be a terrible feeling to be only wanted when needed.

PTL 07

the baptist youth convention did a concert this afternoon and it was so enjoyable! I'm so glad that I'd decided to forgo the landmark forum for this because it was an experience I wouldn't have wanted to miss. Admittedly, the rehearsal last week left us pretty worried but we dont trust God for nothing! lol. I was quite amazed at how good it was this afternoon. I especially loved the mime. I saw what it means when God gives talent and we allow it to be put to use to do His work. and for myself, I had fun on stage and i was unexplainably excited haha! just really thankful that I got to go this afternoon and God had graciously opened another landmark forum class in december so i wouldn't have to wait till next year to get it over with, saving me from having to miss classes too!

sweeeet

The sweet smell of the afternoon!! I love it so much! I can smell it right now. till today, I haven't found anybody who can identify this smell the way I do. maybe it is unique to me. It makes me feel safe and cosy. I think it is because I used to smell this sweet air every afternoon, accompanied by the chirping birds, when I was a child..That is why I identify this way with this aroma.

anyway, last night's interview was more of a nightmare than fun. SO MANY PEOPLE! 3 hrs! It was draining..I wanted to plop my head on the table and do the interviews. Jo's good.. he just went on and on and on in the middle of us. There are people who really wanted to do this badly but couldn't get a spot in the team and I feel so disappointed for them! I wish we didnt have to consider so many things. If it were possible, I'd take in everybody who wants it enough.

I'm gonna go watch Hairspray tonight! I'm excited =) I wanna go away from school for awhile, and I can finally see nips!

I have nothing much that I want to talk about, but I feel like typing something in here tonight.......
so I'll talk about the first thing that pops into my mind.....
which is the expedition full comm interview tmr! erpes. of all things

I'm really looking forward to it although it's probably going to be a really long night. So many people went down last year and I wonder if it's gonna be the same this year. I'm excited about who's gonna be in the team cos I get to choose! I want it to mean something for every person who joins us this year, and I really want everybody to take something home with them at the end of their expedition journey. It could be anything, but just something! hopefully something positive. haha it's gonna be tough but it's gonna be fun. There are so many things to consider and there are many friends whom I know are interested in joining and I'm happy! but not all of them will be selected and of course there'll be disappointment and unhappiness. It's not pleasant to deal with but it's all part of the package. And I don't think that anybody is selected by chance.. I'm a christian so I believe that God has a reason and purpose for every person joining us.

I've been praying hard for wisdom and discernment the moment I took this up. With every step we take, at every meeting we hold, He is the unseen Observer and Advisor.

CHeers!~

The Singapore RIver

I've been at this article "Romancing the Singapore River" by two professors in my school. Part of it talks about how much of the real history of the Singapore River has been obscured from citizens ourselves and visitors from other countries behind the present fancy consumer-entertainment facade of our River. People who really mattered like the samsui women and coolies who slogged hard in the building of our nation have been out-shined and often forgotten with the prominent statues of the Merlion (a story that is predominantly fabricated not to mention) and Sir Stamford Raffles. The article talked about the "uglies" and the "deaths" that were hardly mentioned, like the suicides that were committed at the river, the bodies by the river that had succumbed to exhaustion, and what about the opium bars that proliferated along the river quays? There is so so so much more than this. I wish everybody could read it for themselves!

I feel so incredibly saddened! It is such a shame. Actually, what is so bad about all these histories? The lives that were lost to the river, the piracy, the racial segregation and conflicts that happened, the whatever! Taking all these away and making people think that they didn't happen and that we're such a perfect nation makes us so, so unreal. All these deaths ironically give our river life. It's like saying we've never cried or suffered. I think people outside our country would appreciate the river our govt so painstakingly reconstructed better if they know the different facets of it. Right now, I feel more proud of the Singapore River than ever before because of what she contains and the memories that she holds in her banks.

Lucy

This morning, I picked up the latest copy of Readers' Digest and read this article about Lucy, a girl from Britain (I think), who suffers from an incurable genetic skin defect called HI (Harlequin Ichthyosis). If I recall correctly, it's a very rare genetic disorder. 1 in 250,000. This is what happens, her skin growth is exceptional and the skin dries up very very quickly, in fact, instantly. and the skin keeps flaking, like exfoliating I think.. to make things worse, because it dries up so quickly, it keeps cracking and she risks getting infected that may be fatal.

This is what really got me - since she was a baby, she's been waking up at 4.30am every single morning without fail and scrub herself down in pain to take away all the excess flaking skin, and then soak herself in water for 2 hrs to soften the harden exterior of her body, and then cream herself all over to remain moisturized. Throughout the day, she has to re-cream herself in the middle of school or lessons and her mom has to wash tons of clothes cos she has to change them so very often! The clothes she wears are also usually soaked cos of the cream. and think of all the stares and weird stupid comments she has to put up with all her life. It's so amazing that she is even alive! she's one of the 2 or 3 surviving people in her country who have HI. It is even more amazing because she's grown into such a radiant and beautiful lady. There is just that much more about her. She may look out of the ordinary, but she is precisely extraordinary!

I think that people who survive through abnormal conditions, people like her, like the Malay guy who recently became "half a man", and millions of others in the world who are not physically normal have it very hard on them, yet they are able to remain positive and truly live out their lives. Wow. Not forgetting their loved ones who care for them! I can't imagine all the patience, heartache, sorrow, and hope. Lucy has a sister who is diagnosed with HI as well. Her mom is an incredible woman.

Needless to say, I feel awfully small for complaining about the extra things on my legs that aren't even incurable. lol.

It's getting really frustrating all these lousy bacterial stuffs on my legs!! !@#%@$ it's been hogging my legs for eons and they never seem to want to go away. ARGH!!!!!!!! and other funny things like blisters and acnes pop out at the weirdest places too. i wonder how long more i can be patient about this. I can understand why the doctor doesnt want to give me a steroid jab but the side effects sure beat having to tend to my legs over and over and over and over again day in day out. =( it's draining.

On another note, I was just thinking about second chances yesterday. Most of us would've heard about the yellow ribbon project that helps ex-prisoners get their second chance at life in our society. I guess most of us would see the point. But many of us do not realise that, in fact, there are friends and people so near and around us who need that second chance too! Of course, we can't be entirely blind or over idealistic, but we shldn't be afraid to offer that chance to others because definitely at some point in our own lives, be it a career, or a friendship or a romance, we're going to want that second chance too. We'll never know what anybody is truly capable of until we give them the opportunity to rise to the occasion. I wish the world could be a little less harsh.

btw, I've finally decided that I should check Harry Potter out after all. MY GOSH it's damn good! i really couldn't put the book down and it's bad cos I was Pottering through all my lectures in wk 1. (I'm proud to say tt i paid attention in all my lects this week!) I can't wait to get my hands on the 3rd book (yeayea i'm only at the 2nd one) and if im not wrong the books get thicker and thicker and thicker. AND i'd like to watch all the harry potter shows on dvd too! so much for not bothering about the popular harry potter. and i'm kinda inspired to write a book but i doubt it'll ever happen wahaha.
=)
no good no good i should be reading my course readings!!

It is sometimes really difficult trying to keep my heart and mind firmly on God's wonderful path of miracles. It sounds so beautiful it seems most logical and natural for anybody to just walk that road. but it is so difficult because it isn't always explicit that it's a walkway of wonder sprinkled with His showers of blessing. Sometimes, in fact, i think most of the time, it is hidden from us because He wants to constantly test our faith and the strength of our trust in him.

These few months have been really trying in every way thought possible. it's not the worst of the worst yet but I've been feeling the strain physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There has been so much tugging and pulling everywhere in every direction that I could've gone bonkers! I have never been this seriously overwhelmed in my life before. Wave upon wave, I could've drowned!

Yet, I just have to say that no matter what we think of Him or of where He is or of what He is doing, we just gotta squeeze our eyes tight, clench our teeth and hang on so tight to Him with a death grip. no matter how huge the carrots dangled in front of our hungry faces are, it is comforting to remember that He'll never let us be tempted beyond what we can bear.

All in all, the biggest lesson that God has been teaching me these past months is to have patience and be still. Wait and He will answer. This is what He's been yelling out to me in every corner of my life! and I am immensely grateful that even though everything is really really so difficult and trying, He is still holding on to me and teaching me imperishable and hard-earned qualities like patience and humility.

GOD IS SO GOOOOOOOOOOOD!
weird yet stunning, e way he takes care of everything lol.

zzzzzzzz im so sleepy

Faith

haha I was just wondering this afternoon how I would define faith. and just earlier i was taken to a verse in the bible:)

Hebrews 11:1
What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.

haha so simple. yeap just like that. simple but so crucial

I remember late last year, a friend i were discussing faith and he said he couldn't understand the faith of christians in a God that we cannot even see or know for sure exists (not true!), and he said that faith is just an excuse. but all of us exercise faith in our own ways. the fact that we are planning activities and looking forward to things that we can do in the future - that alone already requires faith, the belief that we will even be alive so that all of those could happen, isnt it?

love out
tiann~

bubblegum n prayers

i like today's rbc dailybread that likened his quarter that could buy him his favourite bubblegum from the machine to our prayers that releases the vast resources of God's blessings and character.
it is so true. there was a time when my prayers were not earnest and gradually i barely prayed. i felt so dry and i could literally feel Him closing the doors of His vast resources on me. anw i jus wanna say that prayer is so important! so so so important!

here are some lyrics from the song "My Desire".

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king

I've sung this song a zillion times in church but never before had the lyrics glared at me the way it did today. It's always like that because God knows exactly when He wants to tell this to me; exactly when it would mean the way He wants it to mean to me. I know that lately He's trying to teach me to let go of myself. I'm trying too hard on my own at everything and I'm too stubborn to quit trying so hard. Even when I think I'm laying it down before Him, I'm actually not. It is so much more difficult than I had imagined it to be. I thought that if I were willing, it would come naturally. but I'm way more stubborn than that. Like shu said, it is something that we have to learn to do over and over again.

"The thistles of self-interest grow naturally within me, while the fruit that pleases God requires constant weeding and watering through prayer, confession, and obedience to the Lord. Without these, the soil of my heart will become choked with the thorns of trivial pursuits and greed.

'Keep your heart with all diligence,' Solomon wrote, 'for out of it spring the issues of life'"

i had the best tutorial i've ever attended this semester earlier! it was a human geography tutorial and we were discussing migration and globalization. and despite me being so terribly sleepy, i thoroughly enjoyed every moment that monica brought the class through. what struck me hardest was the video about sri lankan maids in lebanon. it's pretty much similar to philippino maids in singapore. audio visual is always the best way to grab and tug at the strings of other people's hearts because it is so raw and real.
so we were talking about migrant workers in singapore and the difficulties they face and stuff like that. and a classmate mentioned that in some condos in singapore, they dont allow the maids to use the lifts provided they are accompanied by their employers, and most condos do not allow domestic workers to use the pool. i just thought it seemed very discriminatory, but i guess they would have their valid reasons. the lift thing is very ridiculous though.
i love the way monica did the tutorial. it was so relaxed yet fruitful and she's so easygoing and cool! she did research or journalist work in Lebanon and the middle eastern area and she was there during the war, interviewing all kinds of people there and stuff.
and there was something she mentioned that i'd never thought about before. when she first came to singapore, she was puzzled why we were so strict about the safety belt rule.. like in the cab there's this announcement thing tt tells u to fasten ur seatbelt. but when you look out of the window, there they are foreign workers piled up onto the back of a truck speeding down the expresslanes. she thought they were rather objectified, like equipments getting transported arnd. and i think it tells a lot too. so we only bother about and protect our own people and our safety precautions don't apply to them? so it is only when they commit crimes that our law is applicable. and then we discriminate them because we think they are dirty and unlawful.
she also talked about the grass cutters who carry the machines and wear the sign "danger keep out" on their backs. also pretty objectifying. and nobody notices them at all. it is as though they're just part of the machines cutting our grass. now that i think about it.. i think most of us, me included, take their work as a use-discard-rebuy thing. it is time to change that and show some appreciation to our unsung heroes. our group said that we shld have a domestic workers day and it really got me wondering why, when we are so dependent on their efforts, do we not have such a day to honour their work!

anw, my first year is coming to an end pretty soon and i'm so sad i dont want it to end. the first of everything is usually the best because there isnt anything to compare it to, and more importantly special because every single moment and experience was so very fresh!

hmm.. i'm glad i chose to continue to play touch this sem in school =) it isn't as bad as i thought it would be.. i thought i'd be really trying to survive and get by trainings, but it's actually quite fun and more challenging now with the coach cos he really teaches us things and im learning lots of new stuffs. it's really so different from trg for ihg.

haha k toodles~~

I NEED SLEEP..zzzZZzzzz....zz.zz.zzz.z.z.zzz....

Life Is....
by Mother Teresa


Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

I dont dare to sleep on my bed.. i think there are bedbugs on it even though i just changed the sheets. they've been feasting on my legs man and it's horribly itchy and one of em bites is secreting weird stuff. argh i dun wanna slp.. n there are too many things on my mind at the moment.. my mind is neither here nor at home.

i really need to get a job, and this time i really need to! the last time I'd thought i'd like to try getting one.. well it led to nowhere. but given the current circumstance, it's necessary and urgent.

i think it kinda answers my dilemna to whether or not i should be continuing ivp touch. we had a team talk and meeting this evening, and I'm glad issues were raised and the team is going to make an effort to train and play like a team. i think it's not very important whether we win or not. It's more important to leave the competition having fought as a team. If we do win, we gotta win it as a team, or else it's just as good as nothing. I felt very encouraged to stay on, but I really cannot bring myself to commit to the trainings. I know i'd be missing out a lot not participating in this year's league, but i guess i gotta give and take. there's still next year i hope..

anw earlier during the expedition session we discussed the difference between community work and service learning(which we will be doing). it has never struck me that the focus of service learning was that much about ourselves and taking from society. i guess it's a whole new perspective of learning from community work. i think i did service learning in secondary school before but it wasn't anything like that. i thought it was a little selfish, this whole idea of taking more than giving. but on the other hand, it's a pretty good alternative way to discovering ourselves and the way we interact and reciprocate. tt's the word we were suppose to ponder upon haha.
sometimes i kinda wish i were still on the projects team cos i'd wanted so much to work on the programming! i was thinking of stuffs like taking them on a virtual tour around the world. i think that would really open the eyes of the children and inspire them to learn and embrace the limitless marvels the world has to offer. but who says we can't contribute just because we're not in the proj comm? hahah i think everybody's open to ideas huh =)

tmr i'd be collecting my new hamster from chen yong =) very excited! haha i told my friends i felt like a pregnant mother preparing a baby room for my baby! i know it's JUST a hamster but pls forgive me, this is my first time keeping a pet! and the thought of a life entrusted to me seems like a pretty big responsbility! I havnet seen the hamster yet but i'm ready to love it with all my might! it's a very different feeling from owning a new handphone or something like tt cos this thing is kicking with life that God has breathed into him! haha okay im overhyped.. heh. i needa check out hannah's baby too!

toodles.. i shld shut my eyes and forget about the bedbugs..

feeling really dreadful now... i cant find the mac office installer pack =( i havent given up yet! it's v expensive and i shared it with two other friends.
well o well the sem is goin to begin full blown v soon, and i'm hardly rested. im excited yet so tired. i guess uncle D is right, i ought to check my load of activities. im suffering from insomnia too! definitely not helping.
this sem's modules definitely look promisingly more interesting than my last sem's. i thoroughly enjoyed my last semester even tho the modules were terrible cos i had great project groups to work with. it's always a risk i know, but i think it's worth the risk to work with classmates u've never met before. it's much more challenging because it forces us to step up and out! different people bring out different sides of our personality and minds, so new groupmates, good or lazy ones, show us stuff we never knew we had!
im glad i took the se mods! the lecturers seem very fun and the group of TAs are a cosmo group from all over e world. i hope i get the guy who is studying cemeteries and space! hahah i wanna read his paper. there's this sea summer sch in july too that im v interested in, but of course there are constrains.. like the usual $$ and i should be working. well, if there's something God wants me to do in there, we'll figure a way to the summer sch together!

im in a dilemna now.. i dont know if i should continue going for ivp touch. doesnt seem to be getting anywhere, dreading trainings.. this shouldnt be the way. ive been prayin for a direction, but it's only gotten worse. i'd actually decided to discontinue, and then jus work towards a good half-marathon at the end of the year. but after jess talked to me, there's surprisingly much more than what there seems to be. besides, there arent many juniors left after the snrs graduate. so should i stay and do my best to make a difference?

it's been rather rough at home too.. my parents, their business and many other matters. above all, i'm grateful that the Lord kept us together. i wonder if i'd be angry with Him if he hadn't. pastor always reminds us that we were born into our respective families for a purpose. i'm seeing it and i know that He's using me in my family. it's going to be very difficult, but i cant wait to see it when He's glorified through my family.. i'm serious. I know that unwavering faith and obedience from love is the key, and I really want to keep it going.

love out to all!