BAD bad skin

currently feeling very exhausted.

this week was just very stressful and hell-like...

the worst part was that.. the condition of my wounds deteriorated AGAIN. this time, they reopened and grew bigger. and i now suspect that the enormous acnes that started to appear again could be an allergic reaction to antibiotics, or a combination of a food with the antibiotics. i was on the edge of a major break down. it's how insane!!! how long is this going to drag... heal, open, heal, open, heal, open NEVER ENDING! i want to go back to play touch rugby again. SOON!

my physical condition is a mirror reflection of my spiritual health. the condition of my skin is like my spiritual journey, up and down and up and down like the waves. not very healthy. I tend to think that this is the way God makes sure i stay close to him. When i'm not, he uses my legs to pull me back again. because whenever my skin condition goes down, i have to pray fervently and in the process i'm drawn closer. it could be His way of telling me firmly that my recovery is going to be nothing else but His doing. This is sure learning the hard way. but i guess learining the hard way = remembering better.

At first, it seemed natural enough to look at the brighter side of things. y'know the way i usually am. God was encouraging in my daily walk and i began learning so many things and i grew a little stronger. He used this to open my eyes and mind as i learnt about other forms of handicaps, and i began to identify differently with what i see and read about them from before. He showed me what was truly worth admiring and the depth of the human capacity that He had enabled.
And as time dragged, it got tougher and more trying as it got worse and unpredictable. There were times I'd just wanted to scream even though i knew how stupid it would look if another girl with an amputated limp was sitting beside me. there is so much to be thankful about, but i can't deny that the acute frustration. and it makes me feel very human. u know, admitting the anger makes me feel real. sometimes, i just force away the unhappiness instead to keep myself thinking positively.

And, as He always does provide, i think i've met the doctor who will really save my legs. haha. He's good and the cream and ointment he prescribed me is VERY effective. way better than any of the other million things i've tried on my skin. the doc gave me 2 weeks. 2 weeks! i'd be OVERJOYED if all these were over in two weeks! and I told God that PLEASEPLEASE last time! just let it go away. today, Wendy told me that her pastor had gone to China and got bitten by sandflies like me.. and after a year, it was still there. =S A YEAR??! oh my... i couldn't imagine. maybe it's become an integrated lifestyle. she must have that tolerence.

anyway, i'll always have hope in my heart.