buildings...

yesterday i was on the bus traveling through the rural east of Singapore and i was curiously surveying the environment (potential for future living haha). while the bus was parked at a red light, i saw this huge community centre building that looked pretty nice and my mind began to run through the kinds of activities there that are actually feasibly doable even though i always associate them with aunties and i thought maybe i should try them. anw the point is, when the bus began to move pass the building, (to my surprise) i realized that it was actually a church building! with a cross that i couldn't have seen from the red light spot.

anw my thought is this! i thought about most of the church buildings that i've seen in Singapore. they actually look religiously void, save for the cross, the name of the church, and the gazillion banners that hang around its premises. even then, they typically look just like any other public building that you see around. there isn't the aura of the Christ or anything like those crazy medieval church architectures you see in European countries. well, one point for secularism!
but why do church buildings in singapore look like that while buddhist temples and mosques and hindu temples look SO religious? they even have all their gods displayed on their roofs! it's like when you walk past them you really know you're treading some serious religious ground. while people like me can actually mistake a church for a community centre.

well.. it's not that it's a totally bad thing. even though there's absolutely no distinctiveness and the churches (that do not use colonial church buildings) have really blended into the modern sanitized secular environment (sometimes really state of the art postmodern kind), i guess it subconsciously gives the idea that the religion is not an out-of-our-world thing but something that is real and relevant to everyday life today. and maybe looking like a community centre isn't so bad because the church does kinda function like one except that they have Christ.

but can you imagine if churches today have their distinctive form of architecture? it doesn't have to be grand with ancient-looking adornments or expensive.. just something more than looking like any other thing on the street. the church is supposed to be special!

a night to remember.

it's 1.30am and somebody's cooking pancakes..! the smell is killing me but i know there's nobody in my kitchen :(

i know i must be in bed now because i have an important early morning tomorrow. but i just had one of the most memorable nights of my life.
i was standing at my window in the dark looking out and feeling the wind. and something was strange about tonight. the clouds were so close SO CLOSE i think i could touch them if i had a 10m long arm! and the wind was blowing them across the big sky towards the south. it felt like the whole earth was moving and the big sky was shifting. and i could see the different layers of clouds and the stars that twinkled beyond them. the whole earth was converging for a grand assembly down south. it was majestic.

the night felt so limitless. it made me feel kinda lonely in some way.
i saw the stars and i remembered that the pretty twinkle had traveled millions of weary light years to meet my eyes for just that one second.
this God is unfathomable.


i must thank my mom for not installing window grills!

Perils of Secularism

Recently i've been reading up a little on religion in our secular world aka the godless world. it's feels coincidental that i've been stumbling across such material. and it also happens to be my ISM topic, which until this afternoon, i've been ready to change entirely. the sudden rekindling of interest really took me back to my paper's proposal, which incidentally is in dire need of editing before sunday.

i just opened the book The Dawkin's Delusion today. i'm only a third through McGrath's critique on Dawkin's The God Delusion. but it's already spoken so much that led me to think about the secular delusion. i kept thinking about jo zheng when i read this book cos i first heard of The God Delusion from him.

most people in the world think of religion as something additional to humanity. something that was constructed through history and was infiltrated into cultures and everyday living in various parts of the planet. with this in mind, the secular world is then depicted as the default “natural” world - the ideological world that humanity was "born into". secularism is associated with a blank space; an impartial platform void of religion for the human race to congregate and connect with one another; where rationality is assumed and hence should be privileged in all big and minor political arenas. but it isn't that.

what people fail to see is that secularism is essentially another religion itself. it is not a neutral world and it is not free of ideological constraints. like other religions, it has its idols of worship, its cultures, practices, beliefs, etc. just as silence is also a sound, secularism is also a faith. a faith that is placed somewhere else that just happens not to be categorized as 'religion'. Believing in the secular world requires your subscribing to and internalizing certain beliefs. faith in self, faith in money, faith in capital, faith in the satisfaction of self-fulfillment, blah blah blah. these faiths were constructed too! it entails your believing in other people's words. you learnt individualism from people, you learnt consumerism from people, you learnt the value of capital and status from people. other people taught you to believe in these. and other people told these other people to believe in these. how is that different from the legacy of religious thoughts? is the fervent preaching of these secular beliefs to the next generation any less of an "abuse of freedom" than parents inculcating religious beliefs in their young?

what if secularism was something that was additional to humanity? what if religiosity (as we know it today) was the "default" world that humanity was "born into"? or what if there was no "default" world to begin with? (i do not believe in that)

anw there was something in the book that seriously jumped out at me. McGrath was addressing Dawkin's argument about the extreme improbability of the existence of God. Dawkin himself had asserted how virtually impossible it is to quantify how improbable the existence of human beings is (God is even more complex than this and hence existence of such a Being is even more improbable). Besides the problematic association of complexity to improbability, McGrath pointed out the obvious truth that despite the high improbability of it all, humans are here. we exist. the point is that "we need to appreciate that there are many things that seem improbable - but improbability does not entail, and never has entailed, non-existence. The issue, then, is not whether God is probable but whether God is actual."

this really jumped out at me because it brought me back to the essential search for truth. for what is reality and what is actual. you could spend your whole life circulating about the probability of that 99% being true, yet miss the whole truth altogether. God could be your 1%. and then you ask.. which God(s) is it? you really really can argue and debate till the cows come home and all the way to your grave. it's never ending, seriously. but the crucial point is not about debunking what isn't. nor is it about what it could or could not be. the most crucial thing is to find out what it is.

it isn't about the 99.9% that could be, but the 0.1% that is.

.

till today, i still can't reconcile the person i knew with the kind of person he later became. they're mutually exclusive.

but i've concluded that it is certainly true that only a real crisis can bring out a person's true colours. when it thoroughly tests you for the kind of person you are and challenges you to the point where you are stripped bare to your bones and you won't even be able to find the thinnest mask to pretend to be something better. and that's who you really are, what you are really made of, and what you really stand for.

he probably never realized he was capable of such ugliness before it all happened. but he is, and that's it. the worst part is, he still doesn't realize how immature he is.
neither have I ever imagined that i could be so hateful and unforgiving.

woe to postmodernism.

something i just read on mr.average christian.. some blog that i came across recently. think it's a good article that addresses the problem with pluralistic thinking, which is like the mantra of our era. i think abt this dilemma a lot (cos i'm a good spore citizen!).. how do we show respect and acknowledge other religions while believing and proclaiming that Jesus is the ONLY one? where do we draw the line?

Do all paths lead to God? The problem with religious pluralism.
(from mraveragechristian.wordpress.com)

Well do all paths lead to God? I mean, there are many different religions out there - all telling you that they are correct, and that 'spiritual enlightenment' can be found in them.

Surely it would make sense that the paths of all world religions are all going in the same direction up the mountain to reach the same destination.

And if that is the case, then it matters not who you follow, whether it be Jesus Christ, Allah or Vishnu. This is known as religious pluralism. religious pluralism holds that no single religion can claim absolute authority to teach absolute truth, and that all faiths are searching for the same truths in different ways. Maybe this is where you are coming from.

This idea is best conveyed in this well known illustration:

Three blind men are lead to an elephant and told to touch it and then take a guess at what they are touching. One man, touched the elephants tusks and declared it must be some sort of spear. Another felt its side and said it was a rough wall. The third, on touching the tail, said that it was a rope.

The blind men were touching the same elephant, and yet because they were touching different parts their experience of the elephant was very different. So it follows into the realms of religion that all paths are leading to the same thing but coming at it from a different angle.

So according to Pluralism, all roads lead to God. Unfortunately there are some holes in pluralist thinking:

Pluralism is inconsistent
By its very nature, pluralism says that you can’t possibly have absolute truth over any. You must not, you cannot force your views onto anybody else. But in doing so, demands that everybody takes the pluralist view, and if you don’t then you are nothing more than narrow-minded. Perhaps even more then that, they try silence such views. Which is why in the UK, we’ve had such trouble with our Christian Unions being forced out of university campus’s. Huh? Double standard?

Pluralism is patronizing
The promotion of tolerance amongst the different religions has gained much speed of late. And in a way, that’s a good thing. To reach out to different cultures and offer the hand of friendship for the sake of unity, we must respect each others beliefs. However, in trying to affirm all religious perspectives, we honour none of them. Insisting that all religions are the same, just with different labels, pluralism ignores what is distinctive about them. It ignores the differences – Sikhs believe there is one God, Buddhists believe there are no gods. So in comes the pluralist saying, “see you’re all pretty much saying the same thing”. Do the sums! There can’t be many gods, and one god and no gods. You’re just being patronizing.

Pluralism is arrogant
When pluralists reduce all world religions to the blind men and the elephant, what I want to know is, who’s telling the story? Presumably it’s the enlightened pluralist, who looks on at the stumblings of the blind men with absolute clarity. What right does the pluralist have to place themselves outside the picture? Who’s to say they aren’t another blind man feeling his way around the elephant? Placing themselves outside the circle, and declaring themselves the referee, is wonderfully convenient, and very arrogant.

So no, all paths do not lead to God, there can only be one way. And nobody has the authority or insight to say otherwise – despite what some would have you think.

So surely the fairest thing to do, is line up all the religions. All of the ideas and philosophies. Put them under scrutiny and go with what makes sense?

This I challenge you to do, and its my belief that a relationship with Father God would not seem so ‘out there’.

joy.

this is insane...i haven't had insomnia in a zillion years. i can't sleep!!
cos there's too much adrenaline pumping through my body. really like overflowing man. my hands are pins and needles and i can feel my heart palpitating when i lie on my bed.

the games day today was really fun! haha truly enjoyed myself and it's so weird i can't stop smiling to myself LOL. really let my hair down and just play. haha geog hons peeps are a great bunch. esp my study group :D and we won!! DOMINAAAAATE. haha damn fun. but i'm feeling it man. i can't walk tomorrow i guarantee. paying the price for not exercising properly in A WHOLE YEAR. i'm inspired to START EXERCISING!

another reason why i can't sleep is also cos of the church's CD! i listened to it properly for the first time, all the tracks, from the beginning to the end earlier just before i tried to sleep. it got me too excited. gosh i really love it! REALLY LOVE IT. quite unbelievable actually. and even though we've sang those songs for worship during services before, the depth and the profoundness of the lyrics still captured me. the songs mean a lot because they mark some of the most memorable moments in my journey with Christ.

the worship when shu first sang With Love is a service i will always remember. it was the first time the love of God spoke straight into my heart. it was so piercing i didn't know where to hide my face. the love of God was so brilliant and deep that i couldn't run away from it.

whenever i listen, or sing, or just remember the song Jesus, Be Glorified, i feel like i'm soaring on the wings of eagle. i remember ever asking.. what is it like to dream with Jesus? this was God's answer. God's dream, God's desire. His power, His might, His yearning, His faithfulness, His love, His vision, Our saviour. lives yielded to the power of Christ. His work in the lives of so many millions of souls who have passed through time and the millions more to come is so mindblowing. The power of transformation through Christ, the power of the blood of Jesus. and the brilliance of God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I am so proud to be a child of God, and to be the bride of Christ to be loved and cherished for eternity.



Through the sunshine, through the rain
Through my gladness, through my pain
O Lord Jesus, be glorified.

In my trials, in my fame
In my triumphs, in my shame
O Lord Jesus, be glorified.

In the darkness I can see
For Your light will shine on me
O Lord Jesus, be glorified.

Though the battles may be long
Through I'm weak, Lord, You are strong
O Lord Jesus, be glorified.

Turn my water into wine
Your transform this heart of mine
O Lord Jesus, be glorified.

When Your church becomes Your bride
In Your love our hearts abide
O Lord Jesus, be glorified.

When all broken hearts are healed
When Your splendour is revealed
O Lord Jesus, be glorified

When the angels sing Your praise
When Your people shout Your name
O Lord Jesus, be glorified.

We glorify Your name!

forgiveness overflows

If your brother sins against you, rebuke him;
and if he repents, forgive him.
And if he sins against you seven times in a day,
and seven times in a day returns to you,
saying, "I repent,"
you shall forgive him.

- Luke 17:3-4


this is the intensity of the grace of our God.


Spread wide in the arms of Christ
there's a love that covers sin.
No greater love have I ever known;
You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

:D

how do birds fly in the rain? isn't it very painful??

my king saves

i just want this to be over.
i want to be free again.

sigh. holidays please come quick.
i'd love to see the sun again


your grace is enough.
please let me stand up and run like before.

Jesus the way to the Father

"Jesus answered. 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him'."

John 14:6-7

A season of Forgiveness

This is really a long season of lessons on forgiveness.
and it is such an important lesson because it is the basis of the entire Christian faith. the forgiveness of God that Christ brought to the world that we may see eternity.

i've been struggling hard with it.. and i am still struggling with it. struggling to forgive others and struggling in my relationship with God as I grapple with my ugliest sins and His forgiveness. Last night, i read this in utmost for his highest:

"Beware of the pleasant view of the fatherhood of God: God is so kind and loving that of course He will forgive us. That thought, based solely on emotion, cannot be found anywhere in the New Testament. The only basis on which God can forgive us is the tremendous tragedy of the Cross of Christ. To base our forgiveness on any other ground is unconscious blasphemy. The only ground on which God can forgive our sin and reinstate us to His favor is through the Cross of Christ. There is no other way! Forgiveness, which is so easy for us to accept, cost the agony at Calvary. We should never take the forgiveness of sin, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and our sanctification in simple faith, and then forget the enormous cost to God that made all of this ours.

Forgiveness is the divine miracle of grace. The cost to God was the Cross of Christ. To forgive sin, while remaining a holy God, this price had to be paid. Never accept a view of the fatherhood of God if it blots out the atonement. The revealed truth of God is that without the atonement He cannot forgive— He would contradict His nature if He did. The only way we can be forgiven is by being brought back to God through the atonement of the Cross. God’s forgiveness is possible only in the supernatural realm.

Compared with the miracle of the forgiveness of sin, the experience of sanctification is small. Sanctification is simply the wonderful expression or evidence of the forgiveness of sins in a human life. But the thing that awakens the deepest fountain of gratitude in a human being is that God has forgiven his sin. Paul never got away from this. Once you realize all that it cost God to forgive you, you will be held as in a vise, constrained by the love of God."

i don't know if i can put my thoughts into words..
i recall many times in the past 5 years when i wondered to myself and to God if i was really a christian because i know that i don't really get the truth about Christ dying on the cross for us. i know it in my mind but yet i don't really know it. in fact, i barely know it. i can proclaim it with my lips but it has never been written on my heart.

these few months, i've been experiencing the biggest tussle ever with forgiveness. placing forgiveness for others aside..just between me and God.. sometimes i really feel the gap. like i can't cross it, and i can't reach out to be with Him. God is a holy God, and true to His nature, He will never allow anything unholy to be near Him. which is me. even though i pray and pray for His forgiveness, mercy, and loving kindness to cleanse and draw me to Him again, it kinda doesn't happen. especially in the last few days, the struggle was intense and i was just so confused, disheartened and a little scared. Does He not want me anymore? maybe He really hates me now. are there anything else that are not right and I haven't been thinkin about?

when i read what Oswald Chambers wrote (i rarely check out that devotion book), it hit me so clearly. this problem i've always had but never really dealt with was back in my face. and i have to do something about it. this thing about Jesus and the cross.

All my christian life, I don't know how i have walked 5 years with it and think that i have a relationship with God. Whenever i seek forgiveness, i have been bypassing the cross. God sacrificed his Son the way He did, Jesus died the way He did, so that today i have this privilege of having a personal relation with God. it would not be in anyway possible if Jesus had chosen not to die, if God had chosen not to give His Son. Oswald Chambers really hit the nail home. The basis of God's forgiveness that i always had in my mind was really just the basis of emotions. God's love and kindness. but it so isn't that!! I always, always skipped the Cross cos i didn't really understand it, and never had the patience to be gripped by the tragedy of the Cross of Christ.

Jesus is the only way. the only way in all sense of it. to get to God, we need Jesus. the blood of Jesus that cleanses and makes us right that we can fellowship with God. for the forgiveness of God, the first checkpoint is always the foot of the Cross where Jesus gave His life. i don't really know how to say it.

maybe everything that i've journeyed with God so far, in all its goodness, is not even near the experience of a real fellowship with the Father in Heaven. maybe this time, it will be it. maybe it will be a really long and tough season of learning, but God will allow me to learn His forgiveness in all its truth and power. to be overwhelmed by what it is, for it to be seared onto my heart forever.. that we may share a relationship the way God meant for it to be.

and when i finally receive the forgiveness of God for what it really means (it's so unimaginable i can't conceive it at all), i believe that He will empower me to bring the forgiveness of Christ to those whom i must learn to forgive. We love because He first loved us.

what is it like to be constrained by the love of God?

i'm feeling so many things about this that i don't know what i'm feeling!

flee them!

WOOOHOOOO the night is freezing and my voice is broken
but! one evening of freedom feels so great!

before i wake up in the morning and the nightmare begins.

okie. back to youtube!


oh yah, before i go i just wanna write this down to remember. cos it's the last day of school for the year (minus the exams. bleagh.)
this has been one of the best semesters EVER in university (and probably one of the most life-changing ones). God blessed with abundance..everything! Friendships, classmates, brothers and sisters in Christ, school work, learning, classes, professors etc. I really had a good good time. and a lot of people who taught me so many things and friends I really love and can share my dreams and thoughts with. next semester will be so different. everyone's off to do their own theses and ISMs and we wont really be together through classes anymore. and some won't even be in spore :( kinda think it'd get lonelier.. but maybe not? hahah. wonder what God has installed for us.

we're alive!

forgiving...again.

forgiveness is such a tough call. you want to do it, and you think u've done it. but in reality, it's a different story.

i don't know why it has to happen again. and i don't really like the fact that i have to deal with it one more time. it's creeping and floating around at the back of my head in the midst of all the busyness.

i thought that i have forgiven; it's done and gone. but i guess that forgiveness came out of a blind delusion, reality warped by a whole pile of emotions.
now that the veil is lifting, and i see the reality of what had happened, i'm beset with a whole new surge of anger, disgust, and bitterness. and a whole new process of forgiving that i have to plough through again.

to be honest, i hate it. i don't like the anger, but i can't seem to get past it. it's a freaking tension that haunts me all the time. with each prayer, it goes away. but it comes back again. and i feel like i'm just waiting for God to strike and take it away for good. swap my bullet-ridden heart for a brand new one!

sometimes i think about all the time that this whole thing has taken up. over a year of my life. and counting. even though i know that God has made a lot of good out of this mess, i can't help but want to kick myself for wasting such a long period of time torturing myself because of my poor decisions.

ok back to work. just needed to rant and get this out of my system.
:( not a good evening at all. bad throat, a slight fever, a throbbing head, and an uninspired mind.

the sweet aroma of the afternoon is intoxicating;
a piece of heaven in this world!

tugs and hugs.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.

Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature he will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

- Galatians 6

spot on, timely words. God is our best instructor and our biggest encourager.
actually, He is our no. 1 fan. nobody can love us more than He does.
don't miss His tugs and hugs. (:

just enough.

these few weeks have just been nuts. like really crazily stressed and overworked. and it's not going to end until december comes. i hate admitting it, but i have a feeling i'm going to burn out very soon. been reading so much that my eyes are hurting. i'm beginning to get this fear of mediocrity. and i keep thinking that whatever i come up with is just not good enough and i have to push myself to think better, further, and deeper. it's like traces of perfectionism emerging. even though i love reading and thinking about these things, the joy is slowly being drained away. by the overwhelming need to produce my best. to the point where i don't even want to start writing anything cos my thoughts are just not good enough for me to put down. i have to write something good enough so that i can cross the second class mark by this semester. all my eggs are in one basket. i'm stressed and inefficient. period. i know that it is becoming unhealthy and i don't want myself to be like that. yet i can't seem to help it. until today.. God showed me something.

it is something that was seemingly so trivial, but it spoke a great deal to me.
i received two papers back from my professor today. before i received them, i asked God for it to be enough. i did well for one, but very mediocre for the other. i was disappointed. and very stressed. how am i going to make the grade? i began thinking why didn't i write this and why didn't i do that and i shouldn't have done this and that. i knew that somehow i had to settle for whatever that was given, give thanks no matter what, and trust that God will provide what He thinks i need. I told alina that I guess God would provide exactly what I need - no more and definintely no less. I knew that my life should never be about grades but about my destiny in Jesus. but it didn't settle well.

as i journeyed home late at night..the stress kept gnawing at me. the overwhelming load of work, the discouragement from the morning. i kept praying that God will let me have a heart of thankfulness. and to let go of my tight grip over my work. and then it suddenly occured to me that all i kept seeing was my mediocre grade and how it meant the extra work for the final exam. that i didn't realize that actually, if i had bothered looking at the proportion of the papers' weightage, my grade was exactly what was needed to make the cut. it was really nothing more and nothing less. i was astonished at myself, at His precise provision, and at my answered prayer for it to be enough. it is, on hindsight, such a trivial thing. but God spoke a lot to me through this, to everything that i have been struggling with the past few weeks. He gave me a peace that i haven't had in weeks. let go and believe in His control. because Christ will always be enough. in every sense that we can make of it.

becks, i read the note you posted too. and it encouraged me a lot. you're right, trusting God has to go beyond my lips. (:

re-searching research.

i love word plays!

i don't know what it is that drains me. whether it is the stress from having to produce a gazillion papers, or the content of the books and articles that i have to plough through.

the world's problems are unsolvable. but it doesn't mean that we give up.

this whole academic industry is the epitome of "thinking too much". thinking about thinking. lol let me off and save my brain. there is no end. but then again if nobody thinks about these things, it's even worse. the problem is, what these people think about seldom translate into real help for the people they study. then what is the point?

what i firmly believe is this - to be a researcher, you must have the guts to be truly unselfish, with compassion and maturity. otherwise you are simply another perpetuator of the capitalist world.

it's goodbye forever.
i will never look back again.

thank you for the memories.

Jon Schmidt.

the food of Christ.

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open you eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together."

-John 4:34-36

If my life on earth with Jesus were written as a book, I'm at its preface. It's a time of preparation, of cleansing, of emptying, of being humbled, of hungering after.

how do you dream with Jesus?

Witnessing the reality of Christ in this world by faith, by sight, and in the most private of my heart is one of the biggest joys and privileges of being His child and friend.

dawn of the daunting.

gosh i really don't know how i am going to get through the coming week. on top of the 4 papers, there are so many other things going on as well. i feel really daunted because i'm pretty clueless about what i'm going to do for my papers. and pressurized cos i want to produce good papers. oh man. i'm all prepared to work like a dog for the next couple of weeks. i wanna enjoy the work too but i don't know how it's going to happen in a pressure cooker! God please hold me together!

thank You for loving me.

When I woke up today in a sleepy haze, I would have never in my life guessed that such an insane day was awaiting. the moment i stepped out of this morning's class, i was experiencing god's movement over and over and over again. till i stepped home at 12am. god just worked and revealed and taught me so much in a day. so much that i'm feeling quite overwhelmed, like i can't digest it all. seriously even recalling the day's events in their details require quite a bit of mental energy. it was such an eventful day, and i cannot believe that all these happened. like what were the chances of all of these, and all of these people? some my heart met with heaviness, with amazement and incredibility, some with a love and fondness i never knew, some with sorrow and regret, with curiosity and expectancy. and what was it that moved my heart so much? at the bottom of it all i know one thing...

...i am loved by God, and He's got to be real. He is a precise Guide who watches and cares for my every step. I never want to regret missing His voice and direction. and though it is so ugly and unworthy, He holds my heart in His hands like a precious drop of tear.






i hope that someday i can stand before You and tell You with all my heart and in all truth that I love You.

the lad(y).

this afternoon i was chatting with a friend (haha) and i was telling him that someone told me today that feminists don't like people to use the word lady. cos lady is borne out of the word lad. like female from the word male, woman from the word man, and she from the word he. so it's as though uh girls (it's like the only usable word left?!) can only find their identity in relation to men. then i told him that actually it's a biblical thing too. God made Eve out of Adam.

i've struggled with this whole woman vs man thing. why do women have to submit to men? why did God make it this way? isn't it unfair? yah so what if the men love their women. why do we play the "lesser" role, the "supportive" role and not the lead, like forever relegated to the sidelines?
sometimes i question (especially during feminist classes), and i feel very angsty about it. and i feel like shucks man were we meant to be lesser than the men?!! then when i'm more holy pokey i just accept it. if God wants it this way, then it's this way. There is, after all, a nobility and a very very appreciable beauty to a woman's divinely designated role in this world.

in actuality, it's all about valuation.

the very idea that women, playing the supportive role, are lesser than the leading men is a construction. even this innate thinking that a supportive role is less important than a leading role is also a societal construction. who told us to think this way? generations of societal thinking. this is the way (many) societies place values on genders, and then we internalize them and reproduce them so that it's become a way of life.

BUT that is not the way God values women and men. the way He constructed it was totally different. yup, the men are to lead and the women are to support. the husbands are the heads of households and the wives are to submit. but God never ever said that submitting is bad or the leader will have greater eternal rewards than the supporter. only people around us and the societal values we grow up with tell us so (our capitalistic world). In the eyes of God, we are not valued according to whether we are male or female. His standards are very different from the standards that we are so accustomed to.

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."

- Galatians 3:26-29

what is your worth?

"...in 1994, Rwanda experienced the equivalent of more than two World Trade Center attacks every single day for one hundred days. When America turned for help to its friends around the world after September 11, Americans were gratified by the overwhelming response. When the Tutsi cried out, by contrast, every country in the world turned away."

a few weeks ago we studied genocides for our political geography class. we watched this movie "Shake hands with the Devil". it was about the canadian general who was sent by the UN to Rwanda during their civil war. he requested many times for reinforcements and more money, but the UN turned him down and countries withdrew their troops from Rwanda. the general was so traumatized by what he experienced he tried to commit suicide many times. he's better now but i think he is still affected by it today. anw, he returned to rwanda years later and spoke at a local university there. he told the students in their faces that "the world does not care about you". that's the truth. it's sad and disgusting how some peoples can be deemed worthless.

tonight i learnt about how colonial ideologies are still present in our world today, only repackaged such that people don't really notice it. this practice of "Othering" based on some hegemonic (aka Western) standards still exists. third world countries have to develop the Western way, whether or not it's appropriate for them, and have to be like them in order to be developed. Countries and cultures like the muslim world, the african nations, the south american and asian nations are presented as the lesser peoples of the world who are evil and less valuable. the thing that struck me hardest was the fact that these perceptions have infiltrated the everyday world. There are countless examples! It is easy to point our fingers at world governments and leaders (who really ought to be slapped) but! whether we like it or not, we have to admit that we are racist to a certain extent, we have subconscious perceptions of cultures (our own and others) that are so deeply ingrained in us we don't realize it, and we value different people differently. the last, and most dangerous, thing that can happen is for us to shrug our shoulders and say 'oh, it's inevitable' and leave it as it is. perhaps it is inevitable, but to consciously be aware of it and to resist thoughts and spoken comments that reproduce such "othering" is already a step forward.

skool for keeps.

love my geog friends. they ever made me wonder if i have split personalities. lol. i dunno man.
but what the heck, i really treasure them a lot. and i learn a lot from them, academic work aside. they're beautiful people, in their own big and small ways. i love spending time with them, that much i know!

i wonder if the next semester will still be the same.. we'll all be off on our own a lot, doing our own research and own modules. kinda sad. just treasure whatever we share now.

anyways. love school!

yesterday we watched The Soloist during urban class. wow. it's a true story. it's about the friendship btw a very talented cellist who left julliard halfway and "ended up" on the streets because of a brain disorder or smthg, and a LA times frontpage columnist. anw the show was filmed in skid row and lots of the street scenes there were real (not cameos). it was shocking.

today sher showed me clips of The Noose on youtube (cos it was in our urban forum abt the serangoon gardens). freaking farrrrrnie! I used to watch an episode or two last time. but omg. i was hooked man. michelle chong is DA bomb.

talking about movies, we watched this movie Fireproof last cell. it was about marriage and love and the reality of them both. i'd recommend it to just about everybody, if you haven't watched it.

God can be pretty amazing. like the way things happen and stuff. haha. i learned a little more about the lives of some friends this week.
anw, my hons class had our first christian fellowship meeting today. the sem is ending but it's still something! haha very short but sweet. pleasant surprises and all. they're people we see day in and out anyway. nice knowing that there are people in your midst who are your brothers and sisters and share the same kinda dreams that you do.

ok randomness is over! time to start on the pol readings.

bird days!

the 12th of october is one of the best days in the world!
it's my mama's birthday, my best friend's birthday, and my lovely cousin's birthday!
haha. i've never posted a picture on my blog before i think so this shall be the first! and maybe the last lol.

hee. my mother's beautiful, isn't she? never really realized how before. and my father is beginning to resemble my grandpa!!! aaahhhhhrrggh. LOL.
tonight we sat on the benches in the night breeze yakking. i'm outdated totally. i was amazed when i listened to them talking and then realized how they share so much of their lives with each other, and how they support and encourage each other. it's always work in progress, but they've come so far in such a short time. i know that this is a prayer answered in abundance. yet when i see how hard the two of them try and work their marriage, i must confess it is sometimes difficult to draw that link back to Jesus, that this all came from Him. but because i know how much more it can be with christ, i cannot help but dream for them.

i thought about something else when i was showering too. my parents share a lot about their daily lives, their everyday achievements, struggles, disappointments and things they learn with me. and I do too. I talk to them about my school, about my work, about the things i learn in school, about my profs, my friendships and relationships, about my future, sometimes we debate and argue. but at the end of it all, i still don't feel as though i'm really sharing my life; like they still don't really know who i am. and then it dawned on me. it is because i don't talk to them about my walk with God. i rarely tell them about my life with Jesus, which is just about the biggest part of my existence these years. the only time we talk about God is when we are debating about Him and Christianity. I'm afraid to share all these with them. i'm afraid that they'd think i'm crazy and that i should stop believing so deeply in something invisible. it's like i subconciously tell myself that i should be contented that they support my religious belief. but that shouldn't be the case. i don't want it to stop there either.

~

skyping with hola.lola hahahah. what a name. we should have a sleepover at beck's or mine or smthg and then skype with her. it'd be fun i think! lol. sighs. connection lost. what a bummer. shouldn't have made her leave the table.

i'd better sleep soon. my head almost exploded from the lack of it today!

in the shadows of the night.

i feel like crumbling. and
i'm doing everything i can just to not cave in.
sometimes the strength goes missing. even the strength to pray.
cos i can't bear to. i'm so ashamed.
i am so undeserving.

this is not some irrational emotion. i know what i'm thinking. i know what is happening.

i wish i could take a break. just to go away and rest. to pick up the pieces and fix myself back. to go away to my secret garden and hopefully jesus will be there and there'd be peace and fragrance again.

but i can't just run.

actually, living is overwhelming because of the way i am inside. it has nothing to do with the amount of work and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like i'm such a failure as a child of god. sometimes i think that maybe god could be ashamed of me. why do i make such stupid choices.
will i ever have a healthy heart again?
today aunty jane said only god knows what we're thinking; what's going on in our hearts. it's true. only he knows. sometimes i don't even know what myself.

i'm so tired. i need to sleep. hopefully when i wake in the morning, the blackness will pass and the joy of christ will return. in all truth, i'm living day to day on the strength of god and the delight that comes with living on that strength. without him, i'm a hollow emptiness that is very dark and it frightens me.
this is the part of life where you live in the valley for awhile. just awhile.

for now, i'm going to hide under my covers.
and in my dreams, my secret garden.

can somebody please read to me?

back to austerity. I prefer it like that - simple, unadorned. the possibilities of emptiness (:

my head is spinning. why do we read so much? the words are swimming before me. i love learning. but a life time of these prints? i'd be blind by 30 if i were an academic, so there won't be a lifetime of these prints. maybe my profs have bionic eyes.

i dunno why there is this frustration that's boiling beneath today. maybe it's just the monthly thing. because i cannot think of any plausible reason to explain it. i'm doing my best to not let it boil over because my dad will bear the brunt of it and he is doing nothing to deserve it and i will regret it when i go to bed tonight. ARGH wth is wrong? maybe jesus will swallow it up for me. soon please, i'm ready to kick my table.

hm so is this why they don't allow females to pilot commercial planes? is this why we are labeled the irrational uncontrollable and hence lesser half of the human race? what a joke, many men don't even know how to express their emotions, let alone handle it. they are as bad as the women are, if not worse.

after working on zillions of articles about transnational families, I realized something! (ok maybe many people have realized it before)

the word 'familiar' is a variation of the word 'family'. makes a lot sense right?
hahaha. i have never made that connection before.

~

after 4 days of struggling and brick walls (the real ones in my room and the ones in my head), i can't believe i'm done with this. toughest piece of work EVER.

hurrah!

pick up your brush!

my room has a new look. with a beautiful cabinet. everything's neat and organized and clean and it feels great!
but right now, the haze is so bad i'm smogged. the smell is amazingly disgusting and i can't see past 100m out of my window!

~

sometimes the stress is agonizing, but i don't want to graduate! i love studying the things i'm studying. i love doing research and writing papers. not my passion, but i enjoy it a lot. it's like a kind of craftmanship. digging for ideas, reading other people's work, putting things together, trying out different perspectives, losing my direction, finding the best, doubting this and that, touching up, and then after everything discovering that my craft actually makes sense! i love it when i put my fingers on my keypad and my thoughts are magically strung together. language is a marvelous thing. like an artist's paint. better be good quality paint haha
sometimes i wish i didn't have to leave this world :(

big. bigger. biggest.

my dad just dug out a magnifying glass for me to read my readings. hahahah. how amusing is that.
my parents were horrified by the size of the print i read day in and out.

Through Heaven's Eyes

A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes
Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance
You must learn to join the dance
Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life
Look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

sigh(: listen carefully to each lyric! i love the lyrics. sooooo much wisdom in them!
we're so precious and valuable in heaven's eyes, no matter how much we can build or buy in our lifetime (:
we're as important as a single thread in a tapestry,
yet no matter how important we are, we can never see the biggest picture for we are but a tiny little portion of this world.

nuggets for thought.

I collected a few interesting nuggets this week (:

the tower of babel (Genesis 11):
I was sharing with beck that the stuff i've been reading all week (in fact, the stuff i've been studying all sem) seem to run along the lines of ethnic/racial/language/religious tensions. no matter what module it is, whether it's political geography or the urban, studies never seem to escape those divides. like all the world's problems are somehow inevitably connected to them. she then brought up the tower of babel and the city. then, all mankind spoke a single language. But people became all confident of themselves through their unity and thought nothing impossible for them. God then decided to separate mankind by confusing our languages and speech and scattering people in different places so that they will stop trying to be higher than God. That leads to (and answers) the question: why did God do that and allow the suffering that we've seen through history and today? it is so that there will always be a need for God, and people will see it, and go to Him. If all of humanity was united and perfect, we will never realize the need for God or even the need to acknowledge Him at all. If that were to happen, it may seem perfect on earth. but when Christ comes again, we will all fall short because we never saw the need to acknowledge a God or a Christ. at that point, eternity won't be perfect for many. The sufferings of present time are, however, temporary in the perspective of an eternity. If only all who are suffering have the light of Christ in their hearts, their perfect future awaits. In fact, they may even experience the joy of earthly life in a greater measure than the materially blessed ones. Bringing that light of Jesus to them is therefore one of the utmost desires of Christians.

I talked to serene about it, and she gave me another perspective. "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them" (Gen 11:6). That was what the Lord said. She asked me to imagine this in our churches. If all of us could speak that one language in our hearts, to identify ourselves in unity for Christ, and for our churches (rather than who's and who's cell, or which young adult group, or which clique in church), then the kind of work we do for Christ can actually be quite unthinkable. haha just a thought she passed on that was shared by her cell leader.

power of your love:

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

this is another something that serene passed on in the same conversation. hahah.
I've sung this song a zillion times, but I have never realized the depth of the lyric that speaks of the power that comes with waiting on God, that we may rise like the eagle. it is really, really a profound power that rises out of a trying yet unfathomably rewarding process.


anyhoos, i'm feeling quite excited n curious about tomorrow's cell. in the car earlier, i asked pastor to give a rough clue about what he was going to share tomorrow. and he said that he feels led to talk about the story of Abraham sending his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac. and i was like !!!! I just read that passage last night! as i was searching for the tower of babel story, I came across that story and I was drawn to read it carefully even though I know that story already. it's a biblical fairytale sia. hahah anw quite amazed when you see how the Spirit works. i'm glad too that we're going to talk about it cos it's very appropriate for where many of us are right now in our lives, and a direct shot at a common struggle many of us share.

i'm so relieved it's the weekend of a break week. never have i felt such a big feeling of relief during a midterm break ever. time for a good zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

on growing up.

much as i try to close the chapter, i simply can't. there are things that are still unresolved, within myself. and as long as they aren't resolved, i cannot close it. because if i do so, it'll open on me someday in some way..fiery or subtly..and it won't be good. other people are also going to bear the brunt of it. i never understand how people can choose to hurry on in their lives with so much baggage not dealt with, when they don't actually have to.

it hasn't been long, but it's been a process painful enough to remember, and to be etched deeply somewhere within. often i wonder if it would have been better if it hadn't happened at all. i think it could have. but i wouldn't have grown the way i did. then again, i would have grown in another way. whatever it is, it's been done. i couldn't have thought of a better way to shake myself out of an idealistic world, where believing in the best of people i love was good enough to carry me through life. because they disappoint, just as i have disappointed many who love me. the only thing i can bear to believe with all my heart is, is my lord. i'm not saying that i'm saint enough never to be disappointed with god, but if even that salvation is not enough for me, then i will never be contented with anything ever.

again, it's been a bittersweet journey. even though the pain revisits more than once in a while, i cannot ignore the joy that came out of this.


it's only been a few months, but i feel as though i've walked through many years of life.
maybe it's the culmination of where i'm placed right now in different aspects of my life journey. it's like i'm busy finding the correct runway, checking all my gears and pushing the right buttons before it is time for me to take off and soar with all those passengers behind who will depend on the wisdom of my navigation. i realize this analogy is apt in so many ways that i can't be bothered to put them down.

haha guess you can feel that it's been a really heavy week.

oh, the creases.

Speak to us, Lord, till shamed by Thy great giving
Our hands unclasp to set our treasures free;
Our wills, our love, our dear ones, our possessions,
All gladly yielded, gracious Lord, to Thee. —Anon.

Through Christ we have the freedom to let go.

the older I get, the more fears, worries, and concerns I have. and they only get bigger.
my responsibility as an adult looms in my face and the future, though so bright and full of potential, is still uncertain and scary. I begin to worry for many people other than myself. that's multiple burdens on a single shoulder.

I live day to day to day, sometimes (actually most of the time) planning for the future, near and far. I'm so used to it that I take the future for granted. cos in a way, we must assume a future that we can actually live and plan. It's not a morbid thought to think, but I forget that every breath I take is at the mercy of the Lord. my life can be taken away at any moment He wants to. I'm not saying that then I don't have to plan or worry. Planning and worrying is one thing, but planning and knowing that everything is ultimately at the foot of Jesus' cross is another. that freedom is something I don't really know about yet. maybe i have a glimpse of it, but many times when I feel the uncertainty of my future and the future of my family (and not just the material), I cannot help but feel very burdened. I wish I knew that freedom.

Jesus said: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Luke 12:22-34

no more dreaming, no more hoping, no more risking.
no more hurting.



just let God be.

elp.

heaps of peanut butter on digestives taste really good! (: try it if you've never.




it's the time of the semester again. pressure cooker! this will be one insane weekend.
I N S P I R E M E ! ! ! ! !

7.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven times)."

-Matthew 18:21-22

is that what it is?

christ in ME.

On the bus home, I had a random thought.



if I were to live for Jesus because Jesus makes me happy... I'm essentially living for myself because Jesus makes ME happy.

that is why Jesus doesn't seem enough. if happiness is what I believe in Jesus for, it's not going to last. because sorrow will surely visit. if the sensation of love, assurance, and comfort is the only reason why I believe in Jesus, it's not going to last. because Jesus is measured by my joy and my satisfaction.

it explains why some children of God are lukewarm in their faith, some are torn between material 'real-world' pleasure and the commitment to Christ, and some give their faith up when robbed of their happiness.
yet, some children of God are so consumed by the reality of Christ.

if I were to live for Jesus, I'd have to live for truth. it means to live for what is real...to find it and then hold on to it. Truth is knowing that Christ is the reality. knowing how, and knowing why. knowing, by the way, is not being absolute and neither is it just a thought in the mind. knowing is living out an enormous degree of belief. I think that truth is the good soil where the mustard seed is planted.

Truth (in fact, any truth) is forever and it is constant. the good times will come and they'll pass. they'll come back again and they'll pass again. sometimes I'll get what I want, but most of the time I probably won't. But Jesus is measured by His reality. that is why some Christians can proclaim the goodness of God even though God doesn't seem to be around them. we can't 'feel' the presence of God, because God is not just a feeling. the presence of God resides in the knowledge of truth.

.

Life is good. but sometimes i make things complicated for myself and for other people because i can't see the bigger picture. I never seem to learn my lesson. how many times have i regretted doing things out of frustration? countless! how many times have i regretted saying things out of anger? countless! after each regret, I realize that I'm regretting because I never bothered presenting my frustrations to God first. i know that if i had done that, He'd have reminded me of his truths, of the bigger picture, and how my frustrations won't matter in the long run of life. and in the longer run of eternity. I probably wouldn't even remember it 2 years later. I could have handled things differently, I could have responded more lovingly. why must I bring other people down together with my frustration. of all the things I regret, I hate regretting this the most.



When the work of earning a living, raising a family, maintaining health and fitness, and managing relationships starts to overwhelm us, it’s good to think about how small our part in the universe really is. While we obsess over our work, God quietly does His. He keeps the earth rotating, the planets revolving, and the seasons changing. Without any help from us, He makes the sun rise every morning and set every evening. Every night He changes the pattern of lights in the sky. He turns out the light so we can sleep, and turns it on again so we can see to work and play. Without lifting a finger, we get to enjoy sunrises and sunsets. Every year the seasons change on schedule. We don’t need to pray about it or tell God that it’s time to send spring. All that He does reminds us He is good (Acts 14:17). Life will at times be difficult, often it is painful, and for now it is imperfect. But still it is good, for in all these things nothing can separate us from the love of our God, which is in Christ Jesus.

- Julie Ackerman Link, odb.

sovereignty

remember my post titled "probability"?

discussion about the interconnectedness of the sacred and the sovereign (among many other things) was tossed about in a very very draining and complex pol geog reading for this week - The Complexity of Sovereignty. there is absolutely no way I can put down the entire mess of thoughts (my own and the author's) here cause they're all still floating around and I can't get hold of them.

in the last pol geog class, our class talked about how power is circulatory. power has to come from somewhere for it to be given to its beholder to perform that power. power is also relational because those under authority are the ones who have to first recognize the authority in order for it to exist and be performed. yup so power goes about in circles.. but then where does it originate from? where and when is the starting point in that circle?

God's work

my father passed me something from our postbox today that made me really really happy (:
you know i think of the things that have been happening recently... and I can only say that God is doing something. it can't be anything else! he's doing something that excites me to my bones. Actually, i think He's doing quite a few things!

I am really looking forward to doing all these.. to being a part of his team. to see how he works and all, and to experience them so close to my heart... sharing in these experiences with people i love a lot. I want to see how God uses prayer to change things too... how he uses them to work. I want to see how he provides and eventually delivers through the rough and pitted roads. I want to see his magic!

today i thought a little bit about prayer. i thought about how difficult it is to change my pre(mis)-conception of what prayer is. people say that God works through prayer. i often have this idea in my head that prayers are generated from me. I talk to God about things that are on my heart... he listens to them.. and he works! so God works through prayer.
actually.. i got it kinda wrong. prayer is the time when we connect and talk to each other.. which means God has things to say to me too. what i pray about doesn't come from me. God is the source. (he's the source of all things anyway!) He places thoughts, burdens, answers, etc... on my heart. sometimes it's obvious because i know they're not my feelings nor my thoughts. so actually the most important thing during prayer is to listen. i read about it in Hearing God's Voice before (: so God, already knowing what has to be done, communicates with me during prayer so that I know what to do..what to pray for..what to look forward to.. and he gets his work done that i may see it and be a part of it and know that he's working. through prayer!
arh. okay i don't really know how to express this. i drew a little diagram that says it very clearly but i can't draw it up here!

anw, God listens too. he's really sweet and patient. he listens even though he already knows. and then he encourages you.. in such a specific way that you know he's heard you.
(:


ok tt's all for now. i'm walking on a path of miracles.

i wanna change room!

i like to lie on my parents' bed at night cos i can clearly see the big fat clouds parading before me in slow choreography. and sometimes the stars behind them. how nice right... to fall asleep like that every night. i wonder if my dad even notices how good sleeping on his side of the bed is. sadly, i can't do the same for mine. cos i have a big cupboard sitting too near my window for my bed to be anywhere near it!





I don't want to talk about it
How you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
won't you listen to my heart
Oh oh my heart...

my amazing mother

my mom just called me on my hp from her room using the home phone to talk to me. her room is right beside mine. she was too lazy to walk over.

zomg.

she really amazes me.

probability

school is starting
a kind of excitement's buzzing inside me
it feels like it's going to be a very different semester (academically)
different in a good way
(:

i can't wait to get going.

~

perhentian was incredible
like postcards coming to life! I asked myself everyday how could waters end up that pretty?!
and in the night, it was a ghostly beauty.

on my 12hr journey to the island, i thought to myself about many things.
i always think this thought whenever i'm traveling the NS highway. just somehow...!

what is the probability of our earth coming into existence by chance?

I thought about natural creation:
- the probability of a perfect combination of atoms to form the perfect atmosphere for living things to survive: oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide
- the probability of a perfect combination of hydrogen and oxygen to form water.
- the existence of atoms. how did atoms come about? from nothing?

I thought about living cells and how they got together to form all the amazing things of our world. Trees, forests, insects, birds, animals, marine life. not just that! each and every creature has its own colour! how did colours come into existence? from the light? what about the colours that grow on the skins of living things? how could fishes possess such colourful, cutting edge, and intricate designs? what about the corals? their details are barely even 1mm big. and these cells are smart enough to know how to evolve.

what is the probability of each and ever detail coming to life by chance? and then think about the most jaw dropping creation of all - human beings. and our brains. and how our entire body functions. how in the name of chance did that happen?

if you multiply the probabilities of all atoms coming into existence,
then multiply that answer by the probabilities of all the living cells coming into existence,
then multiply that answer by the probabilities of each minute detail of every single living organism (those that have existed in the past, that are still alive, and have yet to come) coming into existence,
then multiply that answer by the probability of them coming together to function in that particular manner and to look that particular way,
the answer is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo close to a zero.

so i had two conclusions.
one, there is a God higher than all of the earth and the atoms of the universe. He is the beginning of everything. He came from nothingness.
and because the answer, though almost nearly a zero, is still not a zero,
two, there has to be an exact replica of our entire Earth within or beyond the universe. and i mean exactly the same. atom for atom, cell for cell, ant for ant, this zebra for this zebra, Lee Xin Tian for Lee Xin Tian. same body, same mind, same soul, same spirit.

if you ask me which is harder to belief, i'd choose the second.








maybe that's why i couldn't sleep.
exciting eh?

the hole in my heart is wider and deeper than i'd ever dare to admit.
what if the pain is too much to bear?
what if it's too big to ever be filled?

afghan thoughts

i just finished reading a novel set in Afghanistan, written by a British author who loved the country so much she made it her home.

i have so many thoughts buzzing in my head

do you ever realize that beautiful places are not enough to capture people's hearts? only beautiful places with people that contain deep sorrow, great love, greater pride, war, poverty, grief, and deep culture have that sort of capacity.

i also thought about the author who probably decided she loved Afghanistan more than London. obviously, Afghanistan has something that she'll never find in her native land. i think that the biggest and most powerful thing that Afghans have is the love for their land. and i think she probably knows too that it's something she can admire and find fascinating, but she can never share it no matter how much she wants to because it's nearly impossible for her to truly become one of them. it's like how, at a sporting competition, we may look at a very strong, united and spirited team with envy and then back at our own casual, friendly but disjointed team with dissatisfaction. of course i'd want to be part of the other team that has so much more life and spirit and desire, but i can't because i am just not one of them.

it's too bad for the people who are a part of the global city culture or the borderless world mentality. they can never create and experience a love as powerful as that. and it's a shame that people are pushing so hard for a globalized world as the best ultimate goal that they forget their roots. on a side note, i think that globalization has brought some good, but in truth it's just all about $$$ for the rich bastards. academics may study the impact of globalization on culture and stuff like that and make it seem special and taken care of, but honestly globalization doesn't bother about culture, people, and beauty. they just get blended into a bland concoction and that's it.

yeah it's amazing how my thoughts can wander.. i'm a true woman haha

weweresheep somemore

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity


it really astounds me. to my bones. it's crazy...

i'd been struggling these few weeks.. with certain issues. and I'd told God that I didn't see how I could get out of it. But just help me. Even then, I thought... even if He were to help me, I don't know if I can be helped.
tonight, it was insane. the pastor's message just shot me right in my face.

God also put something else deep into my heart tonight. something I know He'd spoken to me about a long time ago. But it had faded away. tonight, He reminded me about it.

seriously I don't know why I always go to these mega worship gatherings with an equivalent megaton of skepticism. I think that the surround sound and the world class worship band that create the "high" atmosphere often blurs the experience of God's presence. people just go there to enjoy themselves, feel "high" in spirit with a huge crowd singing clapping jumping raising their arms together. like is there real meaning in these music gatherings? But each time, God proves me wrong. I always learn that whoever worships in truth with his heart will find God in it.

weweresheep

Praise the Lord!
what sweet words to sing. I often ask for the Lord's blessing, but rarely think of blessing Him. I always have this mindset that the act of blessing is a top-down thing. but well, this is a relationship. God wants to be blessed too.

living out my life as a blessing to God and as a form of worship is a constant challenge. and it will be forever, till the day He takes me home.
we may stumble, but we will not fall.

well. I'm at a crossroad right now. I'm in an absolute dilemma. what should I choose?
the offer is so tempting. money + stability. but i still have my dreams that float around in the clouds. What does God say?

Let me not to the marriage of minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on the tempests and is never shaken:
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

- William Shakespeare

KL

the weekend trip was awesome! we loved the foods man. looooooooove. it was damn good fun traveling with the girls and kev :D and our wonderful host. and their interesting friends. and all the stories.

I maintain my opinion - when I travel, company is the most important!

haha i wish we could do this all over again. more days, more food, MORE REST.

fishsoupbubbleteajapanesecrabsduriansmamakwantonmeewondermilkmoreduriansjapanesetea...

okies. time to shower and start on my novel! (i skipped school today hurhur)

a wish come true!

my mom really came to church with me today. she almost didn't, but she did. at the very last minute. God is crazy. all the way to church, I couldn't believe it. I also couldn't believe my mom was really there sitting beside me. As I watched aunty Jane and aunty Esther and my mom yakking away, it was so surreal. For 5 years I prayed for this day.. I'd dream that she would step into a church with me, but I'd never really believed that it would happen even though I keep telling myself to have faith.

it didn't matter that she never believed in Jesus, it didn't matter that she has always thought my religiosity out of this world. It didn't matter that she had to leave early. It just meant so much to me that she was there. I don't know how to say it. The feeling of having a loved one, or someone I love very deeply, by my side in church just means a lot to me. I can't exactly pinpoint the reason behind it. It makes me immensely joyous inside.

:) it was really sweet of my mother, and it's a very nice present from God. of course, I hope that my parents will discover Christ for themselves too.. it's all in His time. I dislike pushing it or preaching to them cos they hate it. yup but for now, thank you Father. it was indeed an unexpected blessing.

lessons on the Lord's sovereignty have been taking root lately. and it's been demonstrated in a number of ways.. it's reassuring to know that His sovereign plans will never be thwarted or ruined. His will is called a will for a reason. It is meant to be, and it will be done. It is the process of getting there that God uses to engage me, to build faith, to build patience, to build my understanding of Him, to build my trust, nurturing the relationship between the both of us.

~

I really like my students a lot. especially my normal classes. Besides being so rebellious, they are funny and cheeky and very cute. it's a joy watching them at school, teaching and interacting with them. and they can be hilarious. like in between lessons, they would take the camera projector on the teacher's desk and turn the camera on their classmates. and do things like examining their friends' pimples on the big screen with ludicrous comments. or pretending that they're making a film.

It's so different from the kind of classes i had when i was in secondary school. I know that they have huge baggages at home away from school, but the class feels so alive! They are very expressive, though (most of the time) not in the way a teacher would want. lol. On many occasions, I had a hard time stifling my laughter or my smile cos they're just so adorably funny. I needed them to be serious enough to absorb what I was trying to teach. If I were a student, I honestly wouldn't mind going to school with a class like theirs.

I've been practicing their english oral with them in small groups after school. it is another very effective way to get to know them and to let them know me. There's a Conversation segment where I throw out any topic that comes to my mind and they would talk to me about it. haha they are very interesting people.

The kite runner

didn't happen today. there was rain, and then there was no wind!

but we had a really relaxing day. ate like a pig and we headed to a little reservoir near the old national stadium. dusk was fabulous, cool and gentle. the sky was so pretty! we sat there and waited for the wind. we saw cute funny plants, and I later found their porcupine seeds stuck onto my shoelace! and for the first time in my life, I saw tiny moving seashells in the water..! we turned them over and the creatures were still in there. haha suaku to the max.

there we were, 2 idiotic girls fighting a kite in front of 10 cars parked along the reservoir (with couples doing everybody-knows-what in there). we fought to fly it in the tiny tiny breeze lol it was so retarded and funny.

I wish I could live in a kampong.

lightning!

I was looking of my window, peering at people below through the thick veil of rain. and then lightning flashed. it felt as though someone up in the sky with a huge ass camera was taking a photograph of all of us in my part of the world.

a time traveler, maybe? like in kate and leopold. haha. someone from the 25th century capturing lives in our present.

thoughts about thoughts

english is the best subject to teach. it's the easiest class where i can make use of practically anything in the world to conduct a lesson, to teach them writing, to let them see the world, and to know them better. i think that their thoughts are the most precious things i've ever gotten thus far in my short stint here. they convey a lot of insightful thinking, opinions, feelings, and inevitably things about themselves through utterly broken grammar and sentence stuctures. the things that they picked out of the film really surprised me. pleasantly (:

today, we screened it again for another class, and they loved it! i cannot wait to read their compositions.

i'm in the midst of compiling a little booklet of short stories for the students to practice their reading and writing. haha this is quite a bomb story. so freaking simple, but it's totally bull-eye.

The Sack

A Sufi Story from the Middle East

Mula came upon a frowning man walking along the road to town. "What's wrong?" he asked.

The man held up a tattered bag and moaned, "All that I own in this wide world barely fills this miserable, wretched sack."

"Too bad," said Mula, and with that, he snatched the bag from the man's hands and ran down the road with it.

Having lost everything, the man burst into tears and, more miserable than before, continued walking. Meanwhile, Mula quickly ran around the bend and placed the man's sack in the middle of the road where he would have to come upon it.

When the man saw his bag sitting in the road before him, he laughed with joy, and shouted, "My sack! I thought I'd lost you!"

Watching through the bushes, Mula chuckled. "Well, that's one way to make someone happy!"

~

the blade runs through my heart

today, for the first time in a long long while, i felt alive. rollerblading! it was quite scary but i totally loved it. learning something new, feeling something strange yet thrilling. falling down again and again and again. (honestly, i was hoping i could make it through without a scrape. FAT chance.) now i'm with a half broken knee and a stinging wound on my butt. i can't sit nor walk properly. i don't know how i'm going to survive sitting in my desk tomorrow and standing in the classroom. but all the pains on my body remind me of my accomplishment!! hees. happy. i can't believe i never even THOUGHT of getting down to trying it again all these many years. wuss.

now i can't decide if i should invest in a bicycle or a pair of rollerblades first. hawhaw.

thanks, al! really made my day. and for everything. loves you.

i thought that i could risk it. wrong. i thought that i could just give it a chance, what's the big deal being friends? nopes. that place was flooded with memories. i couldn't stand it.

one through road

one true road.

rollerblades

last night, i dreamt that somebody gave me my very own pair of sleek, black rollerblades. (:

but i can't remember who it was!

on a happier note(:

the staff at b.hill are really one nice bunch. if i ever become a cher, i'm going back there.

forgiving is for giving.

i ever asked myself this question. what does forgiveness truly mean? or are there simply many different levels of forgiveness? sometimes, we just stop being angry at the people who hurt us and we don't hate them anymore. is that it? or does it mean that we trust them not to ever hurt us ever again, and we allow them into our lives one more time that we may risk being vulnerable. if the latter is the case, then I have not forgiven.

The idealist never wants her dream wrecked and her ideal shattered into imperfection. So she tries her hardest to restore it. But just like in every other thing in our lives, there has to be a balance of both doses, idealism and realism. It is time to start listening to my brain.

strike two. isn't something plainly amiss?






strike three, and you're definitely out.

my grey macbk

i just gave my laptop a bath. spanking clean! but it doesn't feel brand new.. :(

sigh.. anws...

finding the peace in your heart... is that the best guide to live by?





i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
in my soul....
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
in my soul.

A story about the Victorian poet/hymn writer William Cowper illustrates how dramatically God’s grace can interact with our despair. Anyone knowing his history would understand why Cowper was given to long periods of depression. On one occasion, convinced he had committed the unpardonable sin, he left his home on a foggy London night and walked toward the Thames River, determined to commit suicide by drowning. As he walked, the fog grew thicker and he lost his way. After several hours of blind wandering, he found himself back at his doorstep. Astonished at God’s intervention, he wrote a poem that later became a beloved hymn:

God moves in a mysterious way His

wonders to perform;

He plants His footsteps in the sea, and

rides upon the storm.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,

but trust Him for His grace;

behind a frowning providence He

hides a smiling face.

Blind unbelief is sure to err and scan

His work in vain;

God is His own Interpreter, and He will

make it plain.

-rbc

nanny-fied

my family's nanny-fied.
we're nuts over this sitcom 'The Nanny', think most people know it, it was a big hit last time.
haha we just can't get enough of it! really laugh until i wanna faint. and i can't stop watching it. help.

anw it's on hallmark channel can go check it out :)
or youtube provides nearly all the episodes also!

i'm really happy that my parents finally have enough staff for their business. they're home a lot more nowadays! i'm not a latchkey kid anymore.

chicken day

These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. —Matthew 15:8

honestly, it sounds like me. I'm sometimes near but sometimes far. hypocrite.

i had the best chicken rice ever in the world today. Kim San Lan in Bishan st 13. please go and eat it. it trumps the maxwell chicken rice, the bishan S11 chicken rice, and (sorry grandma) my grandma's chicken rice, the pek kio chicken rice, the toapayoh lor 8 chicken rice, and all the other nice chicken rices i've ever eaten. i was thinking i shouldn't share it here cos it's going to make the queue a little bit longer haha. but good food must share. it really blew me away i couldnt stop gushing throughout dinner. it's $3.50 and the portion is HUGE (really i know i'm a small eater but it's still huge for a normal eater) and the rice is so freaking tasty and the chicken is crazy (especially its skin!). its taste is still in my mouth :)

i think i am a heat radiator. tonight, rachel and I got a kisses chocolate each while we were studying. when we were in the bus, we compared our chocolates and mine had melted like a depressed snowman and hers was still totally in tact and solid! weirded me out!

and today rach just discovered that she has a direct bus home from her church. after how many years lols.

so fast... it's thursday already. too fast! didn't reading week just start?

and our days are so numbered.. :(

i really wonder how i'm going to make it through. like i can imagine myself doing fine, but I keep seeing a big hole in my heart. you think God will fill it up...?