in the shadows of the night.

i feel like crumbling. and
i'm doing everything i can just to not cave in.
sometimes the strength goes missing. even the strength to pray.
cos i can't bear to. i'm so ashamed.
i am so undeserving.

this is not some irrational emotion. i know what i'm thinking. i know what is happening.

i wish i could take a break. just to go away and rest. to pick up the pieces and fix myself back. to go away to my secret garden and hopefully jesus will be there and there'd be peace and fragrance again.

but i can't just run.

actually, living is overwhelming because of the way i am inside. it has nothing to do with the amount of work and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like i'm such a failure as a child of god. sometimes i think that maybe god could be ashamed of me. why do i make such stupid choices.
will i ever have a healthy heart again?
today aunty jane said only god knows what we're thinking; what's going on in our hearts. it's true. only he knows. sometimes i don't even know what myself.

i'm so tired. i need to sleep. hopefully when i wake in the morning, the blackness will pass and the joy of christ will return. in all truth, i'm living day to day on the strength of god and the delight that comes with living on that strength. without him, i'm a hollow emptiness that is very dark and it frightens me.
this is the part of life where you live in the valley for awhile. just awhile.

for now, i'm going to hide under my covers.
and in my dreams, my secret garden.