greatest fear

...you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

-Isaiah 46

It's hard to imagine it from His perspective exactly what I'd been planned for when He made me. Y'know all the things He always says that we're specially made by him in our mothers' wombs.. I feel very honoured to be, but I sometimes (most of the time) can't see what those special purposes He'd in mind are and I can't see what it is that is so special about me that He'd made and is working on. It's very inward looking, but I'm curious to know. Sometimes it is clear how he is working around me but I usually see a blur. anw I just quoted that verse because it reminds me all over again how much a dear we all are to Him as children of God, for Him to have been always carrying us (like a baby?!) It's insane how confidently He says all of the above in Isaiah.

I was reading Utmost and the author wrote this "Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for— love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men— will not win out in the end..."
I think my biggest fear is that He turns out to be unreal, false, nonexistent, and this whole Christian thing a huge lie.
I find it very strange how I can believe so deeply in Him, have a relationship with Him, know the things that have changed in my life obviously by His divine grace, and feel all these insecurities about Him at the same time. Is it human nature or what?

splendour

I saw all those stars in the night sky while on the NS highway! Everytime I travel to and fro from kedah I'd ask God for just a few moments of those. It's really really so breathtaking! It's nearly pitch dark and the coach is racing along cliffs and in between ridges.. I can see the silhouette of the forests and up there a gazillion stars are twinkling out of the sky. If I pin my gaze on a particular star, it feels as though somebody's thrown out a million diamonds and time's just frozen and so has my heart.

Every few seconds a car would be zooming past on the opposite lane and its blinding lights spoil the perfect picture at my window. Sometimes there would be reflected lights from the car behind my coach and it's so annoying because I can't see anything until the car speeds up and overtakes the coach. Anw it just popped into my mind that it is like an analogy of how my pride hinders my sight of God's magnificent work and spoils the experience of Him. That's how hunger for glory or for man's approval can really ruin it. Despite the lights, I can still make out a little bit of the skyline but it's really nothing compared to it in pitch darkness. If only I could put out all those extra lights that are fighting to shine and let His breathtaking and gentle beauty shimmer for all to see.

I was also wondering AGAIN how HOW in the world anybody could look at that, look at sunrises, sunsets, the sky, the patterns on the zebra, the details on all that marine life when we scubadive, and believe that the whole world was a coincidence? or a few atoms had collided in space and created this.
When I was in Sec 4, I loved LOVED to look at the sky through the crowns of trees. haha it was like my hobby on the bus. it looked so cool and pretty y'know that sort of feeling when you're captivated. I knew that there was a lot of beauty in my world and there was a lot of goodness around me and among people but I really couldn't make any sense of it. I couldn't put my finger on it. I felt like something was stuck. They didn't mean anything else other than what had met my eyes. I'd wished that there was something beyond what I could make of that beauty.

I love His creation so much I can't even begin describing how and how much. Whenever I look at it, I feel so small and loved as a child of God. It is His way of revealing His splendor before me and His way of allowing my heart to worship.
I really, really wish that every single person in the world could share this, if only we'd just allow Him to give it to us.

Chinese New Year

i'm writing in kedah now. it's so relaxed here that it feels good doing readings. I'm so happy to be back here with my paternal family. Everybody here wonders why we're still tight as an extended family even though we see each other only once a year. I think it is because all of us treasure the family a lot. Each uncle and aunt makes the effort as head of their own homes. Last december we were all back here to celebrate my grandpa's 81st birthday. it was a huge birthday bash we planned for him which lasted only 2 hrs. but the preparation was SO much fun n crazy and everyone was involved doing this and that. the singing lessons were good and silly. Distance is really nothing. anw I don't understand why I always feel reluctant to leave spore for kedah every year. But whenever I'm here, I feel reluctant to go home. I'm leaving tomorrow... too fast too soon! it's insane. =(

Happy Chinese New Year!