greatest fear

...you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

-Isaiah 46

It's hard to imagine it from His perspective exactly what I'd been planned for when He made me. Y'know all the things He always says that we're specially made by him in our mothers' wombs.. I feel very honoured to be, but I sometimes (most of the time) can't see what those special purposes He'd in mind are and I can't see what it is that is so special about me that He'd made and is working on. It's very inward looking, but I'm curious to know. Sometimes it is clear how he is working around me but I usually see a blur. anw I just quoted that verse because it reminds me all over again how much a dear we all are to Him as children of God, for Him to have been always carrying us (like a baby?!) It's insane how confidently He says all of the above in Isaiah.

I was reading Utmost and the author wrote this "Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for— love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men— will not win out in the end..."
I think my biggest fear is that He turns out to be unreal, false, nonexistent, and this whole Christian thing a huge lie.
I find it very strange how I can believe so deeply in Him, have a relationship with Him, know the things that have changed in my life obviously by His divine grace, and feel all these insecurities about Him at the same time. Is it human nature or what?