just enough.

these few weeks have just been nuts. like really crazily stressed and overworked. and it's not going to end until december comes. i hate admitting it, but i have a feeling i'm going to burn out very soon. been reading so much that my eyes are hurting. i'm beginning to get this fear of mediocrity. and i keep thinking that whatever i come up with is just not good enough and i have to push myself to think better, further, and deeper. it's like traces of perfectionism emerging. even though i love reading and thinking about these things, the joy is slowly being drained away. by the overwhelming need to produce my best. to the point where i don't even want to start writing anything cos my thoughts are just not good enough for me to put down. i have to write something good enough so that i can cross the second class mark by this semester. all my eggs are in one basket. i'm stressed and inefficient. period. i know that it is becoming unhealthy and i don't want myself to be like that. yet i can't seem to help it. until today.. God showed me something.

it is something that was seemingly so trivial, but it spoke a great deal to me.
i received two papers back from my professor today. before i received them, i asked God for it to be enough. i did well for one, but very mediocre for the other. i was disappointed. and very stressed. how am i going to make the grade? i began thinking why didn't i write this and why didn't i do that and i shouldn't have done this and that. i knew that somehow i had to settle for whatever that was given, give thanks no matter what, and trust that God will provide what He thinks i need. I told alina that I guess God would provide exactly what I need - no more and definintely no less. I knew that my life should never be about grades but about my destiny in Jesus. but it didn't settle well.

as i journeyed home late at night..the stress kept gnawing at me. the overwhelming load of work, the discouragement from the morning. i kept praying that God will let me have a heart of thankfulness. and to let go of my tight grip over my work. and then it suddenly occured to me that all i kept seeing was my mediocre grade and how it meant the extra work for the final exam. that i didn't realize that actually, if i had bothered looking at the proportion of the papers' weightage, my grade was exactly what was needed to make the cut. it was really nothing more and nothing less. i was astonished at myself, at His precise provision, and at my answered prayer for it to be enough. it is, on hindsight, such a trivial thing. but God spoke a lot to me through this, to everything that i have been struggling with the past few weeks. He gave me a peace that i haven't had in weeks. let go and believe in His control. because Christ will always be enough. in every sense that we can make of it.

becks, i read the note you posted too. and it encouraged me a lot. you're right, trusting God has to go beyond my lips. (: