surrendering

i'm really grateful (and still feeling that unbelievable feeling) that God really bothers answering my prayers so preciously, and in such intimate ways. i'm super thankful for the time that God gave during last night's cell. i still do not know if it was really an effective and fruitful time and whether it truly benefited the hearts that were there but i just trust that God did His work.

When shu suggested shifting the direction of the study that i'd initially planned so that we'd be more congruent with the church, i knew that it was the right thing to do. but it was only during the session that i really understood why and i kinda had a glimpse of God's reasons behind it, and how beneficial it was to the church and works that we focused on that particular topic. (:

last night, God also pushed me into another step in faith. i still feel that burning inadequacy in leading cell studies and being a facilitator. most of the stress comes from the knowledge that 99% of the time, nothing goes according to plan, and that unpredictability scares me. my struggle comes from wanting that control and ownership of knowing where we're going to go, and it doesn't help that i don't really know how to ask the right questions. and then pile that all onto human pride, the fear of fruitlessness, etc. that was quite a weight on my mind.

yet, for the first time last night, i had that immense desire for God to come and use the time mightily, and not waste that opportunity with all of us gathered together. during my prayer and the short time of worship before cell began, I asked God to make His voice louder than my own, to speak to me and tell me what He wanted. He began by reassuring me in my surrender to Him.. to just let it go and He'll do everything such that it'd be the way He wants it to be. to the very last point i was still struggling with relinquishing that control, and then He asked me with a voice that was so tender in my heart... do you trust me? i almost got a shock. my whole heart just screamed YESSSS!!!! haha most of that was from the joy and relief of hearing from Him so intimately.
honestly, there's still a looooong looong way in learning to surrender when doing God's work. but that was a nice start (: and i'm also very thankful that shu and jo and daniel were there to raise such good questions and pointers that were quite full of wisdom (: