today i finally opened my eyes again to what i'd gradually shut out through my time in rj. and ironically, mr hodge was the one who did it. you know how useless principals' speeches are most of the time, but finally, this final speech i'd hear from a principal wasn't. argh he's so right. i only have plan A and my planA must work. my plans arent really about university choices because till now i still have mydoubts about wha ti really want to do. my plan A was about my results and all i could see was that i wanted myAs and Bs no matter how far fetched it may seem from the look of my prelim results. looking at how i was like the past month, especially the past few weeks, i was like some walking bomb at home. hot tempered and loud mouthed. the results was all i could see and all i wanted, as in i really kept telling myself that if i dont get the results, i'll die = i'd have failed.
and im quite disappointed with myself that i'm like that. i went back to my alam mater today and what mr hodge said kept ringing in my head.. and the campus just reminded me of how much i'd changed :( speaking to mrs wong and pearlyn just reminded me of it all the more. haha i think pearlyn and i look like we'd switched places.. she is the way i was, and i am the way she was. hahahh. admittedly, it was easier then to think that success was nothing about results. nothing was at stake then, it really didnt matter to me that much which JC you go to, not as much as which university and course you take. but this time, i know the meaning of "success is nothing about results" better because much more is at stake; this time poor results will really have its 'consequences'. but in the long long run, it doesnt matter AT ALL! just 1 decade down the road, or in fact less than that, already nobody is going to give a heck about what i did for my A levels. it's peanuts compared to what i will eventually go through within just that ten years. i totally lost sight of that. what mr hodge said is right, wherever you go, do your best and do it well. that was what ms ong had said too, and that is even what SA wants to tell me - "nobody is here by chance". wherever i will go, that is where God wants me make a difference; that is where God knows will be the best for me, and the best for me to serve Him. my goodness, i was so blinded, i feel like a fool.

the harder truth is, it is what OTHER people expect out of me that makes it so difficult for me not to be bothered by grades. even if i don't mind poor grades, it is the way others will look at me and judge me that will prove a challenge. and it doesnt make things any easier that i study in a premium college.

nevermind, at least i woke up.. better late than never. in fact, i think im fortunate already i got this ahead of many many others.
Wherever God will take me, BRING IT ON!!!!!!