on growing up.

much as i try to close the chapter, i simply can't. there are things that are still unresolved, within myself. and as long as they aren't resolved, i cannot close it. because if i do so, it'll open on me someday in some way..fiery or subtly..and it won't be good. other people are also going to bear the brunt of it. i never understand how people can choose to hurry on in their lives with so much baggage not dealt with, when they don't actually have to.

it hasn't been long, but it's been a process painful enough to remember, and to be etched deeply somewhere within. often i wonder if it would have been better if it hadn't happened at all. i think it could have. but i wouldn't have grown the way i did. then again, i would have grown in another way. whatever it is, it's been done. i couldn't have thought of a better way to shake myself out of an idealistic world, where believing in the best of people i love was good enough to carry me through life. because they disappoint, just as i have disappointed many who love me. the only thing i can bear to believe with all my heart is, is my lord. i'm not saying that i'm saint enough never to be disappointed with god, but if even that salvation is not enough for me, then i will never be contented with anything ever.

again, it's been a bittersweet journey. even though the pain revisits more than once in a while, i cannot ignore the joy that came out of this.


it's only been a few months, but i feel as though i've walked through many years of life.
maybe it's the culmination of where i'm placed right now in different aspects of my life journey. it's like i'm busy finding the correct runway, checking all my gears and pushing the right buttons before it is time for me to take off and soar with all those passengers behind who will depend on the wisdom of my navigation. i realize this analogy is apt in so many ways that i can't be bothered to put them down.

haha guess you can feel that it's been a really heavy week.

oh, the creases.

Speak to us, Lord, till shamed by Thy great giving
Our hands unclasp to set our treasures free;
Our wills, our love, our dear ones, our possessions,
All gladly yielded, gracious Lord, to Thee. —Anon.

Through Christ we have the freedom to let go.

the older I get, the more fears, worries, and concerns I have. and they only get bigger.
my responsibility as an adult looms in my face and the future, though so bright and full of potential, is still uncertain and scary. I begin to worry for many people other than myself. that's multiple burdens on a single shoulder.

I live day to day to day, sometimes (actually most of the time) planning for the future, near and far. I'm so used to it that I take the future for granted. cos in a way, we must assume a future that we can actually live and plan. It's not a morbid thought to think, but I forget that every breath I take is at the mercy of the Lord. my life can be taken away at any moment He wants to. I'm not saying that then I don't have to plan or worry. Planning and worrying is one thing, but planning and knowing that everything is ultimately at the foot of Jesus' cross is another. that freedom is something I don't really know about yet. maybe i have a glimpse of it, but many times when I feel the uncertainty of my future and the future of my family (and not just the material), I cannot help but feel very burdened. I wish I knew that freedom.

Jesus said: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Luke 12:22-34

no more dreaming, no more hoping, no more risking.
no more hurting.



just let God be.

elp.

heaps of peanut butter on digestives taste really good! (: try it if you've never.




it's the time of the semester again. pressure cooker! this will be one insane weekend.
I N S P I R E M E ! ! ! ! !

7.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven times)."

-Matthew 18:21-22

is that what it is?

christ in ME.

On the bus home, I had a random thought.



if I were to live for Jesus because Jesus makes me happy... I'm essentially living for myself because Jesus makes ME happy.

that is why Jesus doesn't seem enough. if happiness is what I believe in Jesus for, it's not going to last. because sorrow will surely visit. if the sensation of love, assurance, and comfort is the only reason why I believe in Jesus, it's not going to last. because Jesus is measured by my joy and my satisfaction.

it explains why some children of God are lukewarm in their faith, some are torn between material 'real-world' pleasure and the commitment to Christ, and some give their faith up when robbed of their happiness.
yet, some children of God are so consumed by the reality of Christ.

if I were to live for Jesus, I'd have to live for truth. it means to live for what is real...to find it and then hold on to it. Truth is knowing that Christ is the reality. knowing how, and knowing why. knowing, by the way, is not being absolute and neither is it just a thought in the mind. knowing is living out an enormous degree of belief. I think that truth is the good soil where the mustard seed is planted.

Truth (in fact, any truth) is forever and it is constant. the good times will come and they'll pass. they'll come back again and they'll pass again. sometimes I'll get what I want, but most of the time I probably won't. But Jesus is measured by His reality. that is why some Christians can proclaim the goodness of God even though God doesn't seem to be around them. we can't 'feel' the presence of God, because God is not just a feeling. the presence of God resides in the knowledge of truth.

.

Life is good. but sometimes i make things complicated for myself and for other people because i can't see the bigger picture. I never seem to learn my lesson. how many times have i regretted doing things out of frustration? countless! how many times have i regretted saying things out of anger? countless! after each regret, I realize that I'm regretting because I never bothered presenting my frustrations to God first. i know that if i had done that, He'd have reminded me of his truths, of the bigger picture, and how my frustrations won't matter in the long run of life. and in the longer run of eternity. I probably wouldn't even remember it 2 years later. I could have handled things differently, I could have responded more lovingly. why must I bring other people down together with my frustration. of all the things I regret, I hate regretting this the most.



When the work of earning a living, raising a family, maintaining health and fitness, and managing relationships starts to overwhelm us, it’s good to think about how small our part in the universe really is. While we obsess over our work, God quietly does His. He keeps the earth rotating, the planets revolving, and the seasons changing. Without any help from us, He makes the sun rise every morning and set every evening. Every night He changes the pattern of lights in the sky. He turns out the light so we can sleep, and turns it on again so we can see to work and play. Without lifting a finger, we get to enjoy sunrises and sunsets. Every year the seasons change on schedule. We don’t need to pray about it or tell God that it’s time to send spring. All that He does reminds us He is good (Acts 14:17). Life will at times be difficult, often it is painful, and for now it is imperfect. But still it is good, for in all these things nothing can separate us from the love of our God, which is in Christ Jesus.

- Julie Ackerman Link, odb.

sovereignty

remember my post titled "probability"?

discussion about the interconnectedness of the sacred and the sovereign (among many other things) was tossed about in a very very draining and complex pol geog reading for this week - The Complexity of Sovereignty. there is absolutely no way I can put down the entire mess of thoughts (my own and the author's) here cause they're all still floating around and I can't get hold of them.

in the last pol geog class, our class talked about how power is circulatory. power has to come from somewhere for it to be given to its beholder to perform that power. power is also relational because those under authority are the ones who have to first recognize the authority in order for it to exist and be performed. yup so power goes about in circles.. but then where does it originate from? where and when is the starting point in that circle?

God's work

my father passed me something from our postbox today that made me really really happy (:
you know i think of the things that have been happening recently... and I can only say that God is doing something. it can't be anything else! he's doing something that excites me to my bones. Actually, i think He's doing quite a few things!

I am really looking forward to doing all these.. to being a part of his team. to see how he works and all, and to experience them so close to my heart... sharing in these experiences with people i love a lot. I want to see how God uses prayer to change things too... how he uses them to work. I want to see how he provides and eventually delivers through the rough and pitted roads. I want to see his magic!

today i thought a little bit about prayer. i thought about how difficult it is to change my pre(mis)-conception of what prayer is. people say that God works through prayer. i often have this idea in my head that prayers are generated from me. I talk to God about things that are on my heart... he listens to them.. and he works! so God works through prayer.
actually.. i got it kinda wrong. prayer is the time when we connect and talk to each other.. which means God has things to say to me too. what i pray about doesn't come from me. God is the source. (he's the source of all things anyway!) He places thoughts, burdens, answers, etc... on my heart. sometimes it's obvious because i know they're not my feelings nor my thoughts. so actually the most important thing during prayer is to listen. i read about it in Hearing God's Voice before (: so God, already knowing what has to be done, communicates with me during prayer so that I know what to do..what to pray for..what to look forward to.. and he gets his work done that i may see it and be a part of it and know that he's working. through prayer!
arh. okay i don't really know how to express this. i drew a little diagram that says it very clearly but i can't draw it up here!

anw, God listens too. he's really sweet and patient. he listens even though he already knows. and then he encourages you.. in such a specific way that you know he's heard you.
(:


ok tt's all for now. i'm walking on a path of miracles.

i wanna change room!

i like to lie on my parents' bed at night cos i can clearly see the big fat clouds parading before me in slow choreography. and sometimes the stars behind them. how nice right... to fall asleep like that every night. i wonder if my dad even notices how good sleeping on his side of the bed is. sadly, i can't do the same for mine. cos i have a big cupboard sitting too near my window for my bed to be anywhere near it!





I don't want to talk about it
How you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
won't you listen to my heart
Oh oh my heart...