an eye for an eye

lotsa interesting stuffs in today's straits times!
there was this article under foreign affairs about international relations and forgiveness between countries. it's superb!
i love this quote

an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
- Mahatma Gandhi

it's a terribly trashy day today. pits man totally.
):

word

my professor from my tuesday class astounds me with her ability to plunge so deep into words. and it isn't some artsy fartsy trying to be smart and original kinda thing. she sits you up and makes you realize the profoundness of a word. by saying something, you can actually mean so much more than what you think you mean and what people think you mean. and if nobody realizes it, does it matter?

i was thinking then to a friend and i am thinking now again that it is indeed an incredible thing to be able to put abstract thoughts and feelings into words. or to give our subconscious a meaningful existence; a form that has the ability to truly represent - in truth. or is that even possible? ahh the power of words, it's a double edged sword. and the process of writing.. it is such a strange and indecipherable experience.
words seriously can change lives.

why is it that whenever i re-read whatever i had written, it is hardly ever what i meant? i can never seem to capture the truth of my thoughts.

so my friend thinks thoughts in shapes, and i think in waves and wordless emotions. how do you literally put these kind of thoughts into words? is there anyone else who thinks thoughts this way too?

on the midnight train,

i sat across a group of hearing-impaired girls signing excitedly and laughing over one of their ID photos. as they signed, strange incoherent sounds formed as they mouthed their words. but when they laughed, their laughter was perfect and really beautiful to listen to!

streeeeeeetch.

hello first post on the macbook pro. I LOVE IT!

i feel very stretched these few weeks. in many ways. many many ways. hahah. like suddenly i'm in all the unfamiliar terrains that i would usually avoid trespassing. one of them is technology. i can't decide if i like it or hate it more.

another one of them is to do with church ministry. it's been so hectic these two weeks and i'm feeling it. hm.
i feel very challenged each time i have to lead the cell study.
and i still feel very challenged each time i place my fingers on the keyboard.
i have a lot of thoughts but i don't know how to put them down coherently.
in the least, i know that i am stretched in a positive way. God is doing a lot of work in me and through me, and i feel like i'm still at the bottom of a gigantic mountain.
long way to go....

freewheelin.

i feel like i just took a huge tumble. and i'm free falling!
not in a bad way, not in a good way either. for once, i seriously don't know where i'm going
please catch me somewhere!

on little silly prayers...

sometimes i pray about the most trivial and stupidest things like things that are barely life changing. things like.. it was my last night in Kedah and i hadn't had my favourite dish (called dua pan) from a particular stall that i'd been dreaming about since i was still in spore. but i was too paiseh to make my uncles drive out in the middle of the night to buy it (they only open during supper time!). so I half-wittingly prayed to God for it to appear on the table that night. strangely, while i was showering my father hollered from outside to ask if i wanted dua pan. of course i said yes la. and he said "there's a bowl waiting for you downstairs!" my aunt had brought some back on her way home from her mother's place. so my dua pan really appeared on the table that night!

but i didn't know what to think! i just passingly whined a prayer out and it didn't matter THAT much whether i had my food or not. and it's not like some big magical thing that happened. it is an easily logical and very happen-able coincidence. but then, i did ask God and it came true. i couldn't decide if i was amazed it. so sometimes God pampers us haha. anw my point is that i often have a tendency to negate small coincidences and answers to prayers (that i even forget about).. deep down there's a small voice saying "it can't be!" because something so small and silly can't qualify for God's magical quality. but i reasoned and thought that if I believe in a God who is in absolute control of everything that happens in every millisecond, and even bothers to know the number of hair on the head of every human being, how can a bowl of dua pan appear on a table without His knowledge?

i'm reminded of an entry in ODB on feb 9 titled God Incidents. when i read that a week ago i thought about how true it was that God often intercedes in sensible and coherent ways... rather than magical marvels or big spectacles that we naturally associate with God-size.

yeah the dua pan was grrreat! (:

Design by Robert Frost

I found a dimpled spider, fat and white,
On a white heal-all, holding up a moth
Like a white piece of rigid satin cloth --
Assorted characters of death and blight
Mixed ready to begin the morning right,
Like the ingredients of a witches' broth --
A snow-drop spider, a flower like a froth,
And dead wings carried like a paper kite.

What had that flower to do with being white,
The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?
What brought the kindred spider to that height,
Then steered the white moth thither in the night?
What but design of darkness to appall?--
If design govern in a thing so small.

we did this poem for literature class this morning. Frost is a famous pastoral poet and one of his favourite things to do is to take the intricacies of nature, tangible or not, as a prism for deeper thought. in this poem he writes about a white moth, a white spider, and a white heal-all (a flower) that were found together. all three of them are abnormalities because moths, spiders, and heal-alls in white are rare. and the chances of them being actually found on top of each other puzzled him. as he appreciates the fine details of the tiny insects, he contemplated whether things do happen randomly, or whether there is a creator behind all these. if there is a design, shouldn't there be a Designer (with a big D) behind it?

what surprised me more was the way my obviously Christian lecturer used this poem as an opportunity for some not very subtle evangelism. whenever he sees a cockroach, a fly, or some other gross insect at home, he never kills them. he would admire how beautifully made they are and how astounding the compound eye of a fly is. HAHAHA. anw, like Robert Frost, he's so captured at the finest designs of living things in our world (and so am i!). he shared his personal opinion that if there is creation, there has to be a Creator behind it. a design has to have a Designer behind it, and it's God. especially so if we notice how designs of the tiniest things are actually so astonishing.

of course I agree with him and identify with his passions. I admire his effort and courage to share this with the class and his colleagues (they were sitting in his lect too) and put up his opinions about Designer Creator God big on the screen. it hit home that no matter where we are - whether in a secular or Christian environment - we are in ministry and carrying His banner, especially if we know that it is where God means for us to be. there are other Christian profs who evangelize in their classes too!

I'm really enjoying this course more n more. i'm looking forward to the film and books (: nevermind waking at 6.30am. it's worth it (whenever i can actually get up and drag myself to sch on time)! literature in the early morning is a strategic time. it is like why Jesus does His quiet time in the morning every day. it is when minds are usually the freshest and not polluted by the heat and happenings of the day. aiyah, i should have taken a literature minor!

when will the past quit returning. each time i think it's over, things always begin to surface. when is it going to end?! freaking pest. like it's trying to rub open my nicely healed wound. but then, they say, when u've laid it all down.. what difference does it make anyway? nothing changes the steadfastness of the cross. God never disappoints when i trust him. changing my perspective is tough..but worth the try.

He picks you up each time you fall.. it's so cliche but it's so real.. literally. sometimes i can't even string a thought together to talk to him.. but he knows my heart. and every single time He's always right there. i think it's safe to trust in Jesus.. cos He'll never break my heart.

i would love to eat all the great foods in all of the world.

new year thoughts

i can't believe we're going back to school on monday. time is flying so fast it's practically teleporting itself ;(

nevertheless, it's been a wonderful break. it's one of the best holidays i've ever had. really enjoyed the month this much. most precious of all, i'm grateful that my cousins could gather for christmas and birthdays or just to catch up and make up for all the lost time this year, and also to spend time with other loved ones after such a long time apart. i'm also very happy tt good friends have come home from overseas. among many other reasons to rejoice.

it's going to be the last bittersweet semester in school. argh it's really coming to an end. despite all the stress and agony, i like uni education. so enriching.

anw most of all i wonder what God has planned. so many things can happen in a single year. surely, there'll be major changes as i graduate. i don't know if i'm more excited or nervous. like really dunno what's going to happen! at the end of the year, what kind of a person will i become? for better or for worse? for now, i think that if, at the end of the year, i'm still running the race hard, i'll give thanks and praise.