I think it has been months since the controversy stirred by Amy Chua’s chronicle of her Tiger Mothering days. I had read excerpts of the book on circulating Internet articles. But it was only last week when I stumbled upon it while Ming introduced me to the world of children’s books in the kids’ section of the library.
I totally admire the way she’d raised her children; how she and her two daughters had stuck it out. I value the Chinese way of discipline, focus, hard work, the desire for excellence and nothing less, and only wished I embodied them all.
I now know what had gone wrong in my life.
Let me backtrack a little. My parents had raised me half a tiger cub. They were nowhere nearly as ferocious as Amy Chua but they were strict with my academic work, morality and manners. And I’m glad my parents never let up during my crucial growing-up years. Even today, I think four times before doing something I know they would dislike.
I did work hard under my father’s tutelage and enjoyed both the hard work and the fruits of success. As I grew older, my father thought he could begin to let go because he believed I was driven enough. But something changed when I was 16. I had the best teacher I ever had, and to this day I still reckon she was my best. She opened my eyes to a world where I learnt how to smell the roses and appreciate the finer things of life. I learnt what Amy Chua noted as the “Western” way of looking at failure as a part of life’s experiences – it’s not the end. I began to start letting alternative routes in life into my consciousness. It was great. But now I realize that at that age – I had misinterpreted it all.
I'd thought, “Oh gosh, what a wonderful life to smell the roses all the time! I shouldn’t worry so much and it’s okay even if I don’t work hard. Somehow, things will work out fine… just go with the flow!” As I began to let go, I discovered how easy and carefree I was not striving hard. I was getting by just fine. Not excellently, but passable. No biggie. Live life. In essence, laziness began creeping into my lifestyle; a weed camouflaged by its pretty-looking flowers. It grew throughout my junior college and university life. I got by fine, participated in a zillion activities, gained experiences but was academically average by the standards I’d kept as a younger girl. I kept reassuring myself that life is never about an academic grade, but truth to be told – and I can finally say this honestly – I was disappointed in myself. Because I knew that it was far from my best. The amount of time I had put into academic study was almost laughable. If I were even more honest, I’d say that I hadn’t given my best effort in all the other activities I did either. I know I could’ve worked way harder.
I have never truly admitted all of these to myself, until this moment.
My teacher had been addressing a bunch of girls in an elite school steeped in Chinese tradition. I think it would be safe to say that the Tiger Mom style of parenting would be no stranger to 90% of my classmates. The essence of her influence was in encouraging us to go through life with our eyes wide open, and not following the herd blindly on the well-trodden path to stereotypical pinnacles of success – which most of us were. It wasn’t an excuse for us to be lazy or not to give 100% in what we do. She wanted us to think about what we were doing and know why we were doing what we were doing. And in whatever we choose to do, do our best.
In spite of all the criticism of the author’s overbearing drive for her daughters’ excellence, I do agree that it is a gift that will take them through adult life. With God in my life, I have something even more special. There will be an eternal purpose in the drive for excellence, with fruits and rewards that I will taste in heaven. God is not someone I can push all the hard work to just because He establishes our steps. Instead, He establishes my steps as I work hard according to His will. To think of it, God hovers over us and trains us, takes us through trials and testing, refining us (unpleasantly most of the time) into something bigger and better fit for a heavenly society. Yet, there is always a whole lot of love, a personal friendship, and security. This, my friends, is exactly Amy Chua’s “Chinese” tiger parenting.
It feels a little early for penning New Year’s resolutions. But what the heck, shops are playing Chinese New Year songs already! So I am not going to wait any longer. My resolution from now on is to be excellent (by that I mean giving my honest best) in all I do, as I trust in the Lord to direct my life. Every potential in my being is God-given; and much as I mustn’t waste the “talents” He has placed in my custody, all glory must be returned to the God who enables all life.
Here’s to a new season of weeding!
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