There's a rainstorm brewing right outside my window, and I can smell the strong scent of impending rain (the loveliest smell in the world!=) how many times have i said this?). There're a gazillion leaves fluttering down among scarlet flowers. and here I am cosy at my table looking out. I wish Jess was right here with her camera! It's really very pretty and romantic. I'm trying to memorize this.

God an excuse?

yesterday, a friend was telling me about how hard he'd fought for what he'd badly wanted, and achieved what he deserved. it's truly very admirable. later on, he questioned the necessity of a God if he is able to fight for what he wants and achieve it in his own right with his own might. listening to each step of his journey, i was wondering where God was all that while. He was probably there, simply that my friend didn't know. I know that soaring feeling, of being able to achieve something that once challenged you tremendously, and knowing how hard you'd fought for it, how much you'd deserved it, knowing how independent you are and how strong you've become because of it. That's why it is difficult for people who have it all in their lives to come before God because they don't even see the need for it. That is why God loves the broken.

On the contrary, we were talking about people who use God as an excuse. I've questioned myself and asked God about that many times, because it is true that people do use God as an excuse and as a way out. like "oh, this is just not what God wants for me. I should just quit and look somewhere else" or "if it's meant to be, it'll be" kinda attitude. and that is how non-christians see us too. i'm not surprised. sometimes, i wonder too.. how would I know whether I'm simply being a quitter using God as an excuse. I think it all boils down to the most fundamental thing in being a Christian. It isn't even just simply faith. It is the relationship we share with God. I realise that people who have not experienced the realness of God and have a relationship with Him can never understand. It is because of this relationship that we hear and know what God wants for us. That's how we'd know whether it is truly His will and His guidance or whether it's just our human self trying to go the easy way out. And above all, I believe it tells. whether u're simply a quitter or a person making a wise Godly decision. people will be able to tell.

studying all these stuffs about the human-nature relationship makes me feel more and more ugly about my human race. the way we treat what we deem to be of a lower order is really very very questionable. but it's undeniable that we were made to be a privileged specie, with the ability to think and rationalize that no other animal or plant can. and that places us at the pinnacle. even if we have compassion and consideration for other animals (note other! we're still instinctively animals, just that we're able to suppress those instincts with our rationality), there is still that inherent sense of dominance that enables us to even feel that compassion in the first place right.

maybe i should go be an environmentalist!

seriously all these reading and studying about human and animals.. it's MESSING with my brains!! i can't even look and play with my hamster, Frank, normally anymore. because i think of how cruel it is to keep him in a cage, and to even have a pet in the first place. it's like stroking our human ego to have control over our pet. and what makes me think that Frank is happy being my pet? what even gives me the right to NAME him Frank? hamsters probably have their own names in their own language, or maybe they aren't even supposed to have names! giving him a human name's like subjugating him to my human gaze, and he's seriously just there for my amusement. AH i feel cruel. he should return to where he originally belongs! where do hamsters originate from anw? i dont even know!

anyway i noticed that nearly ALL the profs i've come across in uni love to critique our government left right centre with A LOT of truth in their critiques. which make our govt look really lame and crappy to me right now. i mean it's undeniable too that what they do is necessary to an extent, but is there another way. it's just so... my goodness. hahaha. FAKE.

This Road by Jars of Clay


All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel may it be the straight and narrow
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

it's never going to be easy, isn't it? but it is worth it.

I've a big thanksgiving - i'm healed! finally finally =) my skin is just scarred now which means that all the infected spots have dried up! 110% dry wahhaha. I'm so grateful. it's really within the two weeks, and it's really before november. I hadn't dared to give God a dateline i mean who can? it is always up to Him, and it'll be as if i was testing him. but i asked in the most respectful way i could hahahah and it wasnt so bad anyway. and He's answered. TGBG. i'm happy! and relieved. these days, i have been feeling so much lighter. lol it's really different. i can plunge into my bed with no inhibition and roll around without thinking of anything else. when i shower i can rub and scrub my legs up and down all i like! it's a milestone hahahh.

On a heavier note, one of my dad's best friends passed away this morning. He's been suffering from ALS for a couple of years. it's the same illness that the professor in Tuesdays With Morrie had. the doctor gave him 2 years and true enough, He's passed within the two years. my father's very sad and I think he's yet to come to terms with it. a lot of things has changed and happened within the last 2 years for himself, his family, and many others. both the good and the bad, just as in everything else. lots of things that people have come to learn and understand, lots of other things that are left uncomprehended.

BAD bad skin

currently feeling very exhausted.

this week was just very stressful and hell-like...

the worst part was that.. the condition of my wounds deteriorated AGAIN. this time, they reopened and grew bigger. and i now suspect that the enormous acnes that started to appear again could be an allergic reaction to antibiotics, or a combination of a food with the antibiotics. i was on the edge of a major break down. it's how insane!!! how long is this going to drag... heal, open, heal, open, heal, open NEVER ENDING! i want to go back to play touch rugby again. SOON!

my physical condition is a mirror reflection of my spiritual health. the condition of my skin is like my spiritual journey, up and down and up and down like the waves. not very healthy. I tend to think that this is the way God makes sure i stay close to him. When i'm not, he uses my legs to pull me back again. because whenever my skin condition goes down, i have to pray fervently and in the process i'm drawn closer. it could be His way of telling me firmly that my recovery is going to be nothing else but His doing. This is sure learning the hard way. but i guess learining the hard way = remembering better.

At first, it seemed natural enough to look at the brighter side of things. y'know the way i usually am. God was encouraging in my daily walk and i began learning so many things and i grew a little stronger. He used this to open my eyes and mind as i learnt about other forms of handicaps, and i began to identify differently with what i see and read about them from before. He showed me what was truly worth admiring and the depth of the human capacity that He had enabled.
And as time dragged, it got tougher and more trying as it got worse and unpredictable. There were times I'd just wanted to scream even though i knew how stupid it would look if another girl with an amputated limp was sitting beside me. there is so much to be thankful about, but i can't deny that the acute frustration. and it makes me feel very human. u know, admitting the anger makes me feel real. sometimes, i just force away the unhappiness instead to keep myself thinking positively.

And, as He always does provide, i think i've met the doctor who will really save my legs. haha. He's good and the cream and ointment he prescribed me is VERY effective. way better than any of the other million things i've tried on my skin. the doc gave me 2 weeks. 2 weeks! i'd be OVERJOYED if all these were over in two weeks! and I told God that PLEASEPLEASE last time! just let it go away. today, Wendy told me that her pastor had gone to China and got bitten by sandflies like me.. and after a year, it was still there. =S A YEAR??! oh my... i couldn't imagine. maybe it's become an integrated lifestyle. she must have that tolerence.

anyway, i'll always have hope in my heart.

going vegeterian?

In our nature and society lecture today, our lecturer showed us this documentary about animal slaughter. it was so, so, so gut wrecking and gross beyond the point of inhumane. ugh. I swear I've never sat through any video or show feeling like tt before. i couldn't bear to look on because it was so disgusting i wanted to break down. i think many ppl in the class felt the same way too but at the same time i just had to continue watching because it was too shocking. all the horror behind the opaque walls of slaughter houses. they went through nearly every type of meat u can think of. YUCKS. how will i ever eat meat again while being reminded of those images?

anyway, i can't really figure it out. it's hard to be empathetic and opinionated at the same time. I mean, all of us humans need to eat food right, and we're on top of the food chain and there are so so so so many of us to feed. so does tt mean we NEED this kind of mass production? and if the answer is yes, then how can we make it less cruel while still meeting our needs? are we overproducing? i think the problem here is that people don't really bother, but we can't blame them either. what i mean is, no matter how you look at it, there is hardly anyway to make mass slaughtering of animals for food production any less nazi-looking because that is what it really is. and it is expected that any company would want to maximize profits right? so in that sense increasing the efficiency of the slaughterhouse isn't going to make them any less cruel. it's still massacre. and what about the people working at the slaughter houses? what goes through their mind when they do their job everyday? do they inwardly apologize to the animals? silently utter a prayer for each animal that lost their live? i don't think so and we can't really expect them to do so. it's such menial tedious labour that it's just become a process. I don't know la i'm very confused myself i can't come up with my own conclusion about what i think about all these. As in, we know it is wrong, but to what extent can we fault these people?

there's this part in the notes tt quotes Proverbs 12:10 - A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast. so....? i think God gave us these for food, but at the same time we have to take the lives of the animals into consideration, because they can feel pain and happiness even though they can't think and rationalize like us. where and how do we strike the balance?

argh ethics are tough.

Goodness of television

been watching lotsa tv this weekend! i love it. heh. my childhood deprivation. nwo i dont have to ask permission when i want to watch the tv. anw, last night i stayed up super late to catch the re-run of Homeless to Harvard on hallmark. hallmark has GREAT inspiring shows i must say. it's my family's favourite. I don't say inspiring for nothing. the show was about a girl who fought her way to Harvard through sheer determination to break out of her poverty.

she's exactly one of the "Superkids" that prof quah talked about in her last lecture. nature and nurture both went wrong for them (ie. family genes and environment are bad), yet they are able to succeed outstandingly as grownups or even as a child. till today, social scientists can't really pin it down how it happens. i think all these researchers try too hard to put a pattern or category to everything. but in reality, everybody has their own individual unique choices that do not happen in the same way to another human being.
to the homeless girl, Liz, she was thankful that her security blanket (like her mom who was her source of love or a roof over her head) was ripped away from her so that she wouldn't have had the choice of going easy on herself and falling back on her security blanket in wallow in her helplessness.
so, if all of us had our security blankets taken away, how many of us would go into desolation and how many would rise out of it?

so many people... so many people in the world. and i'm just a speck. if i disappeared, nothing much would change, would it? that's what i think to myself too, sometimes. But i know it is not true.

AND this afternoon, it was A Walk To Remember that aired on tvee. sweeeeet really sweet! placing their romance alongside the others i see around me, the one thing that stood out most in them was the giving. Love is giving. that is something so rare to see nowadays. for them, it was always about what the other wanted, hardly about what they wanted for themselves.

this is the part i love most in the movie - when jamie stands by the water and feels the wind on her body. Carter told her he couldn't fathom her strong faith. and she said that it is like the wind... you can't see it, but you can feel it. I've never thought of it like that! it's interesting.

God is the wind, and I am standing on the porch enjoying the breeze. So when somebody sitting inside the room asks me about my faith, he wouldn't really understand it because he can't feel it like I do because he hasn't taken leap of faith to stand outside the room. But what he can see is my wind-swept hair and my skirt dancing in the breeze, and that is me allowing God to do his work through me so that His goodness becomes a little more tangible. THAT is what people can see.

ever wondered what changes a person when his heart begins aching for someone?
Humility. heh. I was just watching the korean show revolving gambling All In. some guy in the show said that, and it struck hard. lotsa truth in that.

feels good to be home! I was looking forward to relaxing my mind totally these few days during the midsem break BUT look at how the schedule just piles up. it sucks :( i have so much work and so many things to run around doing. Guess i'll just have to wait for the next 3-month holiday next year.

dance n irrationality

just had the first dance class for our hall's dance production. the contemporary one was highly enjoyable! I like the egyptian music and the steps are pretty simple and followable. plus it was quite funny haha, think we all had a fun time. the hiphop class that followed was just insane. it was SO fast and SO difficult i don't even know how to do a ripple and it was rippling everywhere! i wish we had more time to learn tt one i couldn't even enjoy anything while trying to even vaguely remember the steps. anyhow, it was good! the air-con in the dance studio beats anything in this crazy sweltering heat.


it's a very natural thing to be more reactive towards people who mean something to us. as in, we tend to flare more easily because we get more sensitive and think less before we say harsh words or think harsh thoughts. it probably is wrong, may be weird, but it's natural. it's a sign that the relationship means more than the usual. I know it's true, but whatever, I don't like behaving irrationally yet sometimes I just do and I dislike it that way. It's so childish! if you think irrational thoughts, it's not that bad as long as you don't act in that manner because it shows that you still have a grasp on reality and of what makes sense, and you probably won't end up hurting anybody else or making things unnecessarily complicated. you know what i mean? but at the end of the day, everything still stems from the heart so.. o'well...