I keep asking God to help me and do it for me because I can't do it on my own. and I think that it has come to a point where I know God is already helping me. But because I'm not His robot but His child, He's not going to control my mind and my world and do everything for me. He's leaving the rest up to me. It's my choice to make, my test to endure, my lesson to learn.


meaningless. argh. i can be so unreal and selfish i can't believe myself. ewk.

for the first time, i truly realize the weight of it all. it's either this, or that.

the biggest thing I took home with me over the past week is this:

to believe, it costs nothing.
to follow, it will cost something.
to serve, it will cost everything.

everything. oh my goodness.
what is my choice going to be?
it's so easy to say YES! now, but living it out is the real deal.

I think that loving Jesus is not like a I want to and then I can and I will kind of thing.
it takes so much that I think I actually have never ever really loved Jesus before. it's so painful to realize that.
only He can put that love into my heart.

=((((((((((((((((((((

the sad face looks like it's got zilliple (one zillion) chins.. uber FAT!!! hahah
arghghghghghhggggghhhhhgggghhhhhhhhhhh........
so siannnnnnn................
it's been nubbad till now but the last paper is just killinngggggg..........
why must wait for so loooonnngggggg......
no more stamina larhh.............
boo.
i need more pressure!!

ok c'mon!

always

I just realized that the word 'always' probably came from 'all ways'... like in all ways.
think it adds a lot of meaning to the word whenever I use it

family

I was watching Singapore Dreaming earlier and it was quite an experience.. I've never watched a movie that felt more real than this before.. it was indeed quite a truthful portrayal of many singaporean lower-middle class families, striving so hard to move up the social and financial ladder. and everything was so familiar. the lifestyle, the people, the mindsets.

there was a lot of hurt going around the family. i thought it was really quite insane.. throughout the time i was watching them, the biggest thing i'd felt was their entrapment. entrapped by expectations, inferiority, deeply rooted hurt, disappointments, and a huge dose of insensitivity. i think many singaporean families are like that because it's not the asian/chinese culture to express affection and love. we hear it so often that it has turned into an accepted justification for the lack of expressed love within families. yet it is not.

and it was too familiar.. the hurtful words, the disappointments, the anger, the frustration, the yelling, the hurt. all swirling viciously under our roof. last weekend, i was talking to my father and i told him he was overworked. but he replied me saying that i may not be able to see it, but he's happy. he doesn't need the overseas holidays, he doesn't need a car or a fancy home, or to eat out at nice restaurants even on an occasional basis. he's happy working because he has my mom for company while he works, and he's happy because i'm in his life and he sees me and hears my voice. i couldn't believe my ears. and i couldn't believe my joy. Just 3 years ago, I would have never ever, even in the most promising moments, dreamt of this family. when i see my dad and mom care for each other, and hear words of tenderness passed between them, I am so sure that God is with us. It is an answered prayer, a prayer that was begged and begged before God through unending tears. I'd just asked Him to keep us together and not to let us part. That was more than I could've asked for. But He'd given so much more, so much so much more. It is a miracle before my own eyes and it is His love for me and my family abundantly expressed and felt.

as i was brought through the family's journey in the movie, i couldn't help wishing so hard that they could have the opportunity to have God in their lives as a strong and everlasting pillar of their home. A God in whom they can rest their financial burdens upon because He is a God who provides tangibly, as we strive as best as we can. A God in whom they can lay their disappointments and fears to rest because He is a God of forgiveness. To have their hearts yearning for the love of God and the love of a family, rather than pride and the material that is immaterial. To have a God in whom they can share a deeply-seated joy.




on a separate note, i saw this picture in an email.


and i realised i can't imagine what it is like waking up wanting to die. and then i realised that actually, you could be in a bed like the little girl's and wake up wanting to die or be in a bed like the starved and homeless boy's and wake up wanting a future. it's all in the heart. yea it's called hope.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

-by Matt Redman

"'Blessed Be Your Name' stems from the story of our lives," Matt explains. "Both Beth and I had tough upbringings--a lot of different
issues to do with fathers--and over the years we've come to realize that worshiping God is a choice, and the best choice we'll ever make."

"Trust is a beautiful act of worship," Matt says. "It says to God, 'I believe in You--in Your unfailing goodness and greatness--no matter
what season of life I find myself in.'"

I remembered sometime ago while I was struggling to keep afloat in my faith and felt as though i was walking in a vacuum, al encouraged me to pray and to worship even though i barely felt like doing any of those. It means a lot, a lot, when we pray and give praise even though we don't feel like it. Worshiping God is a choice. Believing is a choice.

i think being cynical or jaded is not an indication of maturity, or 'having grown up'.. at all. and it barely places you ahead of the curve.. like the joker in batman thinks he is. in fact, i think it throws you backwards and it's like weed in your garden. being critical of something doesn't instantly place you above what you critique, although it sure does feel like it.

anw on the same note.. i was wondering too why, in people-to-people relations, do we value intelligence so much.. as though it's so important to be smart. or seem smart at least. it has absolutely nothing to do with the depth of a person.

lost and found

" It’s that way with God. He’s there, patiently waiting for us. He assures us, “I did not say . . . , ‘Seek Me in vain’” (Isa. 45:19). Why, then, do we often have trouble finding Him? Probably because we are looking in all the wrong places.

You’ll find Him right where He is supposed to be—in His Word, in prayer, and in the voice of the Holy Spirit who lives within you. The God who says “seek, and you will find” (Matt. 7:7) also promises that “He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Heb. 11:6). So, you can rejoice that God is right where He is supposed to be, and He’s waiting for you right now. "

I was so amazed (to the max) when I opened my internet browser and found this. because this is exactly, exactly, what had happened to me today. I thought I'd lost my most precious treasure.. gone into hiding?..for what felt so, so torturing-ly long. But I was led to the correct lost-and-found counter, and I found it. Really, right there, ready for collection.

(:

the everlasting treasure.

Planet Shakers and Tim Hughes

The Planet Shakers and Tim Hughes concert was really so wonderful. I really didn't know what to expect because this was my first such concert (a christian band with a huge audience), and it was really so, so wonderful and refreshing. it was so spirit-led and i'd never had such an experience before. it was a really wonderful time that i wouldn't want to ever forget. I'd never worshiped in a mega setting before and it's really something to see a sea of people praising and worshiping. like the speaker had said, it was indeed more than just a crowd at a concert enjoying the fantastic music.. there was something more than that. looking back, it was incredible how He could find each individual in the midst of everybody worshiping. i mean, tt's what always happens anw, He finds each of us everyday in the midst of 6 billion people.

The live music was so great. and tim hughes' pieces really touched me a lot. they're intensely beautiful(my favourite's Everything), and hearing them live was a total different encounter from hearing him on my stereo. gosh, i can't imagine the kind of joy it must be to be called to serve and being enabled to serve so passionately and mind-blowingly well.

mercy me!

it's nearing 7am and I've yet to go to rest. I've just finished the first draft of a long paper. I really can't write long papers.. why do people have so much to say anyway? or rather why do we have to say it in such a long winded fashion? the word limit thing is more like a word target.

i've never been this overwhelmed by work before! what a new height. it's insane i can't bear to imagine beyond the next day because I wouldn't be able to breathe. submission datelines, internal datelines, freaking so many of them!! Right now, I'm learning to take every single bit in baby steps and enjoy my work and projects. I'm constantly reminded that God's mercies are new everyday. they're meant to be refreshed each day, which also means they're meant to only last us a day. how am I to survive a whole week on a single day's supply of mercy?

With Him in the reign, we're able to live each moment. fully. isn't that a great blessing

things in hall are really gonna change so much next year. but what's new? things changed so much this year anyway and it was so great. I have no clue what God'll have installed for me in the next academic year.
i must admit though that i'm really sad that many of my close friends aren't staying on any longer.but life goes on and all of us have a purpose wherever we are. more importantly, we're where He wants us to be and nothing can be better than that.

yeap my stomach's growling it's goin to be breakfast time very soon! k i'll nap and wait for food time.

love~