shit man the anger is eating at me.

i keep telling myself to wake up and stand up for myself. stop being so nice and let them trample all over you. so what if he cares? he's still hurting you because of his subsequent decisions. i think he doesn't see the pain. because it's not his pain. to him, it's just his guilt. so once i forgive, it's done it's gone. and so he carries on his little friendship.

i think one day my brains will shoot up the roof.

God tells me to lay down my rights. but to what extent? to the extent of becoming blindly stupid? the way things this soap opera is unfolding is disturbing. After all that has happened, how does he have the capacity to rationalize like that? how does he have the capacity to lend her so many excuses? !!???!?!??! I have only one plausible reason: he doesn't know the pain.

God gave discernment as a gift of wisdom for a purpose. The facts are all before your eyes. Nothing much can discount actions. wake up dude!!!!!!!! not everybody is an angel. weren't you always the all-logical guy? If that counts as friendship worth treasuring to you, please don't insult other people's friendship with you.

at some point of time, enough will be enough. there's no point forcing myself to be understanding again and again. i'm reaching my limit soon. very soon.

my printer is up (: finally after replenishing the ink. seriously a luxury to have it whenever i need it. not the best in the world but it would suffice.

a day all to myself this easter. though i wish it didn't have to be just god and me right now but it's been a rather peaceful time.

owells...


i should read one last novel before i have to begin the mugging

acushla

what's around the riverbend...?

to be remembered, the grace of my god

Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.

2 chronicles 20:15-17

all i see is the tunnel.. where is its end..?

what open mindedness?

I was reading an online article and I consider it is such hypocrisy that "open-minded" people remark that religious teachings and values are narrow minded and discriminatory.

I learnt from my economic geography classes about neo-liberalism and the washington consensus. these are ideologies that the West (namely US) impose on the rest of the world through numerous means. Basically, they advocated free trade and open economies and democracy and deregulation. and anything that went against that, such as protectionism, were all bad and should be changed. But people have questioned.. are these truly good for everyone? Have these ideologies serve to diminish inequality and poverty for others? have these serve the development of the world? or are these simply agendas of the West that inherently contain formulas for them to better themselves and maintain their supremacy? Anyway, just look at the kind of crisis it has thrown us into right now.

Similarly, the West has advocated new ways of thinking and living. Being open-minded, radical, and all-accepting are the only ways we can move forward, they say. and these ideas have been mobilized and are moving into many developed parts of the world (where people are supposedly better at thinking). Many of us who are Western educated, especially students who have been a part of such environments, bring home these "modern" ways of living and promote them here. Then again, people have questioned.. are these truly good for everyone? are they appropriate for every society in the world? Do these radical ideologies and the stripping of "narrow-minded values" serve the development of people where they are being championed for? or do these simply serve the agendas of those who can benefit from them? aren't these mentalities a part of the reproduction of capitalism, where they tell us what to consume and how to consume? aren't these mentalities promoted by the gay community because they need these in order to better themselves? Many don't realize the mess it has made with our minds.

what i am trying to say is, people don't realize that they are simply subscribing to ideologies that tell them how to live their lives without really, really knowing what is good and what is not for themselves. There are many who subscribe to religion without truly knowing and understanding why and how, and they are criticized as people who simply follow what they are told in the bible, and are controlled by the Church and by an invisible God. Don't people outside the Church (or any other religious institutions) also realize that their lives too are controlled by the ideologies of others? and to say that a huge proportion of these people are simply blind followers of radical values isn't too far from the truth.

Even the celebration of postmodern rationality over religious theories of faith are also mentalities that have been socialized into our living. This way of thinking is inherently politicized in the grapple for power, just as how religious philosophies are argued to have been made superior in the long-ago past for political purposes. Which is truly better for us, we'd never know.

I don't have an answer and I have no right to say what is good/right and what is bad/wrong. What I know is that we have to be aware and think beyond the thoughts and mindsets that we just take for granted, and really decide for ourselves what is best for the people we love.

I have learnt that saying life is beautiful, and simply living life thinking that it is is not enough. I have to first know what beauty truly is.

I learn today that I have unknowingly been a radical kid all my life when you talk about heritage and culture

social differentiation without exclusion.
-ruddick

will the ideal ever become reality?

i feel so indignant for the black community all over the world. they've been outcasted for God knows how long! although their situation is slightly better now, it still makes me cringe when i read about their predicament. yet, it's difficult to point fingers at the other ethnic groups like the whites because they have been brought up in an environment that is reproduced everyday in that manner. "people know it(the repugnance of the black) before they even think it".

the world is a better place when i step out of my little emotional bubble. a state of emotion is, more often than not, a state of irrationality. sugs.
i still love you, y'know?


i love my church family. and i miss the friends i love a lot who used to be there.. really a lot! many a time during service or cell i'd imagine what it'd be like if they were still around..how i wish they never went away :(

groping

“And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.” Acts 17: 26-27


there's a reason why He said "grope". It means 'to search blindly and with uncertainty'.
blind faith, we talk about it a lot.. like how our faith is not entirely blind, but based partially on a certain degree of rational and logic.
I think that rational part is miniscule.

y'know how blind people find their way around right? They can't see. They can never be certain of what is ahead or what is coming. They use their heightened senses. They feel, and most of the time, they would depend on their instinct - no logic in that.

and I'm pretty sure that's how we search for God, or how people search for any faith of their own. at least that's how it was like when I searched for Him. I felt my way around with my heart - blind faith. it's almost impossible to think through a decision such as this.

and then we'll "find". this is then when rational enters, when things start falling into place, when experiences begin, when order tames the chaos, and life begins to make sense.

the thing is, He isn't far from each one of us. we really don't have to grope for long. just start groping for the truth.