paying the small prices

a little snippet from Ravi Zacharias' book that has been replaying often in my mind in the past month, popping out so very often as a stark reminder whenever i'm faced with decisions.

"You must keep in mind that God does have an appointment with you, that there is a cost to serving him. At the same time, you have to be wise and not careless. To deny that reality that there are some places where you cannot go is to play the fool. More importantly, if you have not learned to pay the smaller prices of following Christ in your daily life, you will not be prepared to pay the ultimate price in God's calling."

surrendering

i'm really grateful (and still feeling that unbelievable feeling) that God really bothers answering my prayers so preciously, and in such intimate ways. i'm super thankful for the time that God gave during last night's cell. i still do not know if it was really an effective and fruitful time and whether it truly benefited the hearts that were there but i just trust that God did His work.

When shu suggested shifting the direction of the study that i'd initially planned so that we'd be more congruent with the church, i knew that it was the right thing to do. but it was only during the session that i really understood why and i kinda had a glimpse of God's reasons behind it, and how beneficial it was to the church and works that we focused on that particular topic. (:

last night, God also pushed me into another step in faith. i still feel that burning inadequacy in leading cell studies and being a facilitator. most of the stress comes from the knowledge that 99% of the time, nothing goes according to plan, and that unpredictability scares me. my struggle comes from wanting that control and ownership of knowing where we're going to go, and it doesn't help that i don't really know how to ask the right questions. and then pile that all onto human pride, the fear of fruitlessness, etc. that was quite a weight on my mind.

yet, for the first time last night, i had that immense desire for God to come and use the time mightily, and not waste that opportunity with all of us gathered together. during my prayer and the short time of worship before cell began, I asked God to make His voice louder than my own, to speak to me and tell me what He wanted. He began by reassuring me in my surrender to Him.. to just let it go and He'll do everything such that it'd be the way He wants it to be. to the very last point i was still struggling with relinquishing that control, and then He asked me with a voice that was so tender in my heart... do you trust me? i almost got a shock. my whole heart just screamed YESSSS!!!! haha most of that was from the joy and relief of hearing from Him so intimately.
honestly, there's still a looooong looong way in learning to surrender when doing God's work. but that was a nice start (: and i'm also very thankful that shu and jo and daniel were there to raise such good questions and pointers that were quite full of wisdom (:

sleeping woes

tian...
desperately needs good sleep.

something is wrong!! ever since coming home to my own bed, i've been dreaming way too much at night that i wake up every morning even more tired than when i went to bed. and then i feel like i just wanna knock out the whole day. last night i dreamt that i was playing in a hockey tournament. TOURNAMENT okay! i don't want to remember how many matches there were. but i can remember flicking the black puck (i don't know how come it was a puck and not a ball) around and struggling with my hockey stick and feeling so stressed cos all the good players in my team were slacking and we kept losing! sigh... i have many hypotheses to this lack of good sleep. but whatever the case, i really really really need a good night's rest :(
please pray for me...

Psalm 33

i love this psalm so much..

Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
Praise the Lord with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
For the word of the Lord is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

By the word of the Lord were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the Lord;
let all the people of the world revere him.
For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
From the heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth-
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,
even as we put our hope in you.

five years on.

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

I want to fall in love with You

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

I want to fall in love with You

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

I want to fall in love with You

my heart beats for You

old treasure

I was fumbling through a stack of journals searching for the travel diary with a list of addresses that i carried along with me 2 years ago. As it always happens when you stumble across old mementos, the moments come back. (:

Anyway, here's something i found among the stash of old keeps. I had copied it in scribbly writing on the back of a floor plan that's yellow and looking older than it should.

Worship
the song of the heart that is grateful to God.
Work
Secret of success
Play
the symbol of youthfulness
Read
the source of knowledge
Think
the strength of the mind
Love
the sacrament of life
Dream
the soul of aspiration
Help
the source of happiness
Laugh
the song of experience
Pray
the source of strength
Plan
the secret to having time to be able to do all of the above.

nice, no?

Shantaram

2 months after i first picked up the book, i've reached its end. i thought i'd never finish it, because no matter how much i read, there was always such a long way to go. not that i was in a hurry to finish it. conversely, i wish the book would never end. i feel a weird sense of loss that it's over - that first time experience of reading it that i can never ever retrieve or relive. it is weird because i've never felt this way about a book before. i mean it's just a book! if it's good, then it's good and yeah that experience with it was good. but this book is different. the novelist had that capability of weaving together an incredible narrative with philosophy so richly, deeply, and astutely. there was such an open and immense honesty in his writing that made it impossible to simply read it. at so many junctures, i just had to stop and seriously consider and attempt to understand what it must have taken for him to write that one sentence, to mean what he had meant.

The reason why the book made such an impact on me was the particular honesty he had with the innermost love and evil of human beings and the confusion that often entangle them together. it was his process of attempting to disentangle them - not always explicitly - that really captured me. not that his answer was perfect, or that it was even an answer.
and the best thing that his writing did was to force that honesty upon my own heart. and revealed to myself the danger of its dishonesty that I'd been living. we may think that it is just a small dishonesty here and there with ourselves and our true thoughts, feelings, responses, character. but if we let them be and allow them to fester, some day we may never be able to reach that open, clear, honest and pure part of our souls. and that would be the greatest tragedy of living.

at the end of it all, of all the author's brilliance and reservoir of wisdom and experiences, he knows the two things that all human beings inescapably run after:

"With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved."

and it is true that that is what we live for, whether or not we know or realize or are willing to admit it. to some, that chasing after is so numbed and adulterated by the on-goings of the everyday living, and the world that pours that dilution into our souls... that they think the ceaseless and frantic scramble for truth and salvation isn't there. but it always is, and will forever be there.

from the Christ in the heavens springs the wellness of life

something snapped -
and then i was sinking into the dark and frightful abyss of turmoil in my heart and mind; so nauseating and painful that my body was left hollowed and sickened for a few hours, my head exploding from the throbbing pulse. I'd forgotten, almost completely, how this felt. the same as it was just a year ago.

but God always stays true to His wisdom. where there is hurt and anger, no matter how fiery or rightful that anger is, there will always be humility and forgiveness where Christ is.
His heavens opened and there was Jesus pouring over in all His sweetness and light.
O my Joy, so abundant!
And like the fresh and cold breeze of this night, He washes over;
Healer of my soul and my body.



sing my soul, of the Saviour's love.

being bold and daring

yestersday, daniel was praying during worship and he said something in his prayer that caught me. let us be bold and daring in our walk with Christ.

loving God is like loving challenges. the love of Christ is so high and deep that we have to take leaps and plunges in faith. well.... that's quite a big test for my faint and timid heart. i immediately remembered the article from mr. average christian about what it means to be adventurous and bold as a manly warrior of God. it's not about bungee jumping or scaling the toughest mountain. it's about the amount of courage it takes a person to do the work of God.

it wasn't a joke when Jesus told the rich ruler to give away everything he has of the world so that he may inherit the treasures of heaven, and neither is it easy! and the biggest struggle in leaving the world behind lies in the comforts of the mind and heart. it is scary letting go of the ways of thinking that I'm accustomed to, which have proven to provide a certain level of comfort while living in them. but I know that staying in there will not help in journeying further with God and his work. in yesterday's ODB, the writer expressed it aptly when he wrote about the dangers of "growing accustomed to feeling distant from God". and that "distance" can mean many many things. it's time to get sick and tired of living life at that lukewarm capacity of faith where half of my trust is in God and the other half in what I can see and predict and is safe in thinking; or believing that others, but never myself, will be called to arms or be required to run the extra miles for God; or that I was never meant to fly with Him and I will be happy just living with one foot thrust heavenward and the other cowardly in worldly mentality.

As God is bringing in the battle fields and providing the equipment to fight, right under my nose, i can no longer afford to ignore Him and delude myself by constantly assuming that i'm thinking too much. it is true that God will call other children to do it even if i don't but the point is that God wants me to do it.

and i can choose to sit it out, or dance.

(: just thinking...

my whole home is in complete darkness, save for the light from the screen of this laptop. just a few minutes ago, i stood at my parents' window with my dad and marveled at the Creation of God. only that my dad knows no God. it's the 15th of the lunar calendar, so the moon is shining like a coy beauty. beneath her was a sprinkle of stars resting on stratus clouds, fighting the city lights to twinkle. and he asked me "can you imagine how fast the moon is moving? it moves around the entire earth in a single day. but when we look at it, it doesn't look like it's moving at all." and then i asked him "how come the sun doesn't move?" and right then i realized just how marvelous gravity is! it is how God holds us still while he swiftly arranges the sky for us - with His magnetic fingers, He holds the sun still and hurries the moon on; unfurling the clouds like a blow paint artist or a sand artist! isn't He the most talented ever?

i couldn't keep it in my heart anymore and the words were so loud in my ears and choking my throat that i had to say it. i asked my father "how do you think all these came about? why do you not believe in a Creator?" hmm we went on to discuss it a little bit. he believes in the 'a few atoms came together' theory and i told him that if that was the case, these atoms must be really intelligent because all of nature and your brain and mine came out of that. and i asked him how did these atoms even come about? he had no conclusion. the thing is that no physically entity can ever explain itself (a ravi zacharias argument) and thus the answer to the beginning of physical entities has to come outside of the physical realm. anw he was really tired so we just left it at that. it was such a lovely night with the cool breeze and all. hopefully, the thoughts will run in my dad's head again and God will probe him until he comes to the Truth. Nobody knows my father better than my Father! hurhur.

haha goodnight everybody ~