forgiving...again.

forgiveness is such a tough call. you want to do it, and you think u've done it. but in reality, it's a different story.

i don't know why it has to happen again. and i don't really like the fact that i have to deal with it one more time. it's creeping and floating around at the back of my head in the midst of all the busyness.

i thought that i have forgiven; it's done and gone. but i guess that forgiveness came out of a blind delusion, reality warped by a whole pile of emotions.
now that the veil is lifting, and i see the reality of what had happened, i'm beset with a whole new surge of anger, disgust, and bitterness. and a whole new process of forgiving that i have to plough through again.

to be honest, i hate it. i don't like the anger, but i can't seem to get past it. it's a freaking tension that haunts me all the time. with each prayer, it goes away. but it comes back again. and i feel like i'm just waiting for God to strike and take it away for good. swap my bullet-ridden heart for a brand new one!

sometimes i think about all the time that this whole thing has taken up. over a year of my life. and counting. even though i know that God has made a lot of good out of this mess, i can't help but want to kick myself for wasting such a long period of time torturing myself because of my poor decisions.

ok back to work. just needed to rant and get this out of my system.
:( not a good evening at all. bad throat, a slight fever, a throbbing head, and an uninspired mind.