social differentiation without exclusion.
-ruddick

will the ideal ever become reality?

i feel so indignant for the black community all over the world. they've been outcasted for God knows how long! although their situation is slightly better now, it still makes me cringe when i read about their predicament. yet, it's difficult to point fingers at the other ethnic groups like the whites because they have been brought up in an environment that is reproduced everyday in that manner. "people know it(the repugnance of the black) before they even think it".

the world is a better place when i step out of my little emotional bubble. a state of emotion is, more often than not, a state of irrationality. sugs.
i still love you, y'know?


i love my church family. and i miss the friends i love a lot who used to be there.. really a lot! many a time during service or cell i'd imagine what it'd be like if they were still around..how i wish they never went away :(

groping

“And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.” Acts 17: 26-27


there's a reason why He said "grope". It means 'to search blindly and with uncertainty'.
blind faith, we talk about it a lot.. like how our faith is not entirely blind, but based partially on a certain degree of rational and logic.
I think that rational part is miniscule.

y'know how blind people find their way around right? They can't see. They can never be certain of what is ahead or what is coming. They use their heightened senses. They feel, and most of the time, they would depend on their instinct - no logic in that.

and I'm pretty sure that's how we search for God, or how people search for any faith of their own. at least that's how it was like when I searched for Him. I felt my way around with my heart - blind faith. it's almost impossible to think through a decision such as this.

and then we'll "find". this is then when rational enters, when things start falling into place, when experiences begin, when order tames the chaos, and life begins to make sense.

the thing is, He isn't far from each one of us. we really don't have to grope for long. just start groping for the truth.

fruits of the Spirit.
only when it's taken away, I then know what He has been doing.

anw I really think my temper is going berserk. I know I can control it outwardly but inside of me I just keep getting pissed off like nobody's business. and impatience is getting the better of me.
something is just wrong. I can't control my nerves and emotions properly anymore.
Some people tell me that it's not good to keep emotions under control all the time.. it's good to express them blahblah. yeah but selectively. it's good EQ to be able to do so.

on another note,
IHG touch has ended. I was so looking forward to the end of it cos I badly wanted the break. But as the end neared, I so badly didn't want it to end just like that so fast! It was a bit streneous but it was certainly a wonderful experience captaining this year's touch team. It was totally worth it, the ups more than made up for the downs. think the girls really did great. I love this team a lot.

think this more or less spells the end of me and sports. and y'know what? God is great. He gave me everything I wanted out of sports. I wanted to play in a team that I could put in my every worth. and I got one that I really put my heart into. I couldn't have asked for more. It was my responsibility to give my 100%, but these girls just made every percent of it worthwhile.

I gained so much out of this. I'm so grateful to my friends who had encouraged and urged me to do this and were supportive in many ways. all the people who helped me in leading n coaching, who taught me how to lead, and through it all, here and there, friends and the girls in the team who provided a lot of lessons that will last my lifetime.

a lot of other things have been changing.. I can only say that despite my unfaithfulness, my disbeliefs, my stubborness, my disobedience, my outright rebuffs towards Him, the Father is kind, gracious, faithful. and to be all that, I guess He's forgiving. It drives me insane. it's so unbelievable.. things that happen to me around me. people (myself included) hang the word faith on our tongues so loosely and talk about it like we've memorized an entire essay on the word. but it's freaking difficult holding on to the invisible Someone whom I will and can only know in my heart till the day I die.

Some things are easy to say, issues that seem easy and straight forward if we go by the book and our convictions. but then when you get there, and you're in those shoes, it becomes a whole different picture. Although people mean well, they talk like they know it all because those are the rules and course is set. I was like that before. But now I know. It's so different. Next time, I'll think 5 times over how to open my mouth to advise before I do.




maybe.. just maybe.. unconditional love is real. maybe the love of Jesus can be found somewhere among us.
then again, we're humans. and human beings change all the time.
owell.

went for a church's christmas play yesterday (which was really good) and i had this verse stuck at the back of my head the whole night. I sat there pondering hard for the meaning behind what Jesus had said: You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you. (John 15:16)

I was thinking huh? I thought it was always our choice to choose Christ. Like how He can pursue us to the end of our lives but at the end of the day, it is still our decision whether or not to pick up the cross.

I finally googled some bible commentaries.
These words plainly teach us that our salvation comes only from the favour and gracious goodness of the everlasting God towards us, and of nothing that we do or can deserve.

think I gotta take one step backward. It was God, Father and Son, who had first chosen us to be created and conceived, to be loved and pursued, such that through these, the gift of choice was born. For no man seeks after God on his own accord, the fact that there is a choice to be made, the fact that the option is available in our minds, is God's pursue made evident. It is because of God's favour upon us, that we have this chance to choose Him. He had first chosen us.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.


every lyric of this song glows and I dunno why..?

I wonder if I would ever have to say goodbye.

If this journey was a song...



just something else... today I was thinking sometimes, within the Christian circle in the Christian context, "Christian" words and terms are used so frequently and flippantly they lose their meaning and their significance. then they become just one of those words. words that become impersonal and irrelevant to real life. when that happens, Christianity feels like another subject full of terminologies that I'm studying outside my sch curriculum.
owell just thoughts!

I keep asking God to help me and do it for me because I can't do it on my own. and I think that it has come to a point where I know God is already helping me. But because I'm not His robot but His child, He's not going to control my mind and my world and do everything for me. He's leaving the rest up to me. It's my choice to make, my test to endure, my lesson to learn.


meaningless. argh. i can be so unreal and selfish i can't believe myself. ewk.

for the first time, i truly realize the weight of it all. it's either this, or that.

the biggest thing I took home with me over the past week is this:

to believe, it costs nothing.
to follow, it will cost something.
to serve, it will cost everything.

everything. oh my goodness.
what is my choice going to be?
it's so easy to say YES! now, but living it out is the real deal.

I think that loving Jesus is not like a I want to and then I can and I will kind of thing.
it takes so much that I think I actually have never ever really loved Jesus before. it's so painful to realize that.
only He can put that love into my heart.

=((((((((((((((((((((

the sad face looks like it's got zilliple (one zillion) chins.. uber FAT!!! hahah
arghghghghghhggggghhhhhgggghhhhhhhhhhh........
so siannnnnnn................
it's been nubbad till now but the last paper is just killinngggggg..........
why must wait for so loooonnngggggg......
no more stamina larhh.............
boo.
i need more pressure!!

ok c'mon!

always

I just realized that the word 'always' probably came from 'all ways'... like in all ways.
think it adds a lot of meaning to the word whenever I use it