in the shadows of the night.

i feel like crumbling. and
i'm doing everything i can just to not cave in.
sometimes the strength goes missing. even the strength to pray.
cos i can't bear to. i'm so ashamed.
i am so undeserving.

this is not some irrational emotion. i know what i'm thinking. i know what is happening.

i wish i could take a break. just to go away and rest. to pick up the pieces and fix myself back. to go away to my secret garden and hopefully jesus will be there and there'd be peace and fragrance again.

but i can't just run.

actually, living is overwhelming because of the way i am inside. it has nothing to do with the amount of work and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like i'm such a failure as a child of god. sometimes i think that maybe god could be ashamed of me. why do i make such stupid choices.
will i ever have a healthy heart again?
today aunty jane said only god knows what we're thinking; what's going on in our hearts. it's true. only he knows. sometimes i don't even know what myself.

i'm so tired. i need to sleep. hopefully when i wake in the morning, the blackness will pass and the joy of christ will return. in all truth, i'm living day to day on the strength of god and the delight that comes with living on that strength. without him, i'm a hollow emptiness that is very dark and it frightens me.
this is the part of life where you live in the valley for awhile. just awhile.

for now, i'm going to hide under my covers.
and in my dreams, my secret garden.

can somebody please read to me?

back to austerity. I prefer it like that - simple, unadorned. the possibilities of emptiness (:

my head is spinning. why do we read so much? the words are swimming before me. i love learning. but a life time of these prints? i'd be blind by 30 if i were an academic, so there won't be a lifetime of these prints. maybe my profs have bionic eyes.

i dunno why there is this frustration that's boiling beneath today. maybe it's just the monthly thing. because i cannot think of any plausible reason to explain it. i'm doing my best to not let it boil over because my dad will bear the brunt of it and he is doing nothing to deserve it and i will regret it when i go to bed tonight. ARGH wth is wrong? maybe jesus will swallow it up for me. soon please, i'm ready to kick my table.

hm so is this why they don't allow females to pilot commercial planes? is this why we are labeled the irrational uncontrollable and hence lesser half of the human race? what a joke, many men don't even know how to express their emotions, let alone handle it. they are as bad as the women are, if not worse.

after working on zillions of articles about transnational families, I realized something! (ok maybe many people have realized it before)

the word 'familiar' is a variation of the word 'family'. makes a lot sense right?
hahaha. i have never made that connection before.

~

after 4 days of struggling and brick walls (the real ones in my room and the ones in my head), i can't believe i'm done with this. toughest piece of work EVER.

hurrah!

pick up your brush!

my room has a new look. with a beautiful cabinet. everything's neat and organized and clean and it feels great!
but right now, the haze is so bad i'm smogged. the smell is amazingly disgusting and i can't see past 100m out of my window!

~

sometimes the stress is agonizing, but i don't want to graduate! i love studying the things i'm studying. i love doing research and writing papers. not my passion, but i enjoy it a lot. it's like a kind of craftmanship. digging for ideas, reading other people's work, putting things together, trying out different perspectives, losing my direction, finding the best, doubting this and that, touching up, and then after everything discovering that my craft actually makes sense! i love it when i put my fingers on my keypad and my thoughts are magically strung together. language is a marvelous thing. like an artist's paint. better be good quality paint haha
sometimes i wish i didn't have to leave this world :(

big. bigger. biggest.

my dad just dug out a magnifying glass for me to read my readings. hahahah. how amusing is that.
my parents were horrified by the size of the print i read day in and out.

Through Heaven's Eyes

A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes
Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance
You must learn to join the dance
Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life
Look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

sigh(: listen carefully to each lyric! i love the lyrics. sooooo much wisdom in them!
we're so precious and valuable in heaven's eyes, no matter how much we can build or buy in our lifetime (:
we're as important as a single thread in a tapestry,
yet no matter how important we are, we can never see the biggest picture for we are but a tiny little portion of this world.

nuggets for thought.

I collected a few interesting nuggets this week (:

the tower of babel (Genesis 11):
I was sharing with beck that the stuff i've been reading all week (in fact, the stuff i've been studying all sem) seem to run along the lines of ethnic/racial/language/religious tensions. no matter what module it is, whether it's political geography or the urban, studies never seem to escape those divides. like all the world's problems are somehow inevitably connected to them. she then brought up the tower of babel and the city. then, all mankind spoke a single language. But people became all confident of themselves through their unity and thought nothing impossible for them. God then decided to separate mankind by confusing our languages and speech and scattering people in different places so that they will stop trying to be higher than God. That leads to (and answers) the question: why did God do that and allow the suffering that we've seen through history and today? it is so that there will always be a need for God, and people will see it, and go to Him. If all of humanity was united and perfect, we will never realize the need for God or even the need to acknowledge Him at all. If that were to happen, it may seem perfect on earth. but when Christ comes again, we will all fall short because we never saw the need to acknowledge a God or a Christ. at that point, eternity won't be perfect for many. The sufferings of present time are, however, temporary in the perspective of an eternity. If only all who are suffering have the light of Christ in their hearts, their perfect future awaits. In fact, they may even experience the joy of earthly life in a greater measure than the materially blessed ones. Bringing that light of Jesus to them is therefore one of the utmost desires of Christians.

I talked to serene about it, and she gave me another perspective. "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them" (Gen 11:6). That was what the Lord said. She asked me to imagine this in our churches. If all of us could speak that one language in our hearts, to identify ourselves in unity for Christ, and for our churches (rather than who's and who's cell, or which young adult group, or which clique in church), then the kind of work we do for Christ can actually be quite unthinkable. haha just a thought she passed on that was shared by her cell leader.

power of your love:

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

this is another something that serene passed on in the same conversation. hahah.
I've sung this song a zillion times, but I have never realized the depth of the lyric that speaks of the power that comes with waiting on God, that we may rise like the eagle. it is really, really a profound power that rises out of a trying yet unfathomably rewarding process.


anyhoos, i'm feeling quite excited n curious about tomorrow's cell. in the car earlier, i asked pastor to give a rough clue about what he was going to share tomorrow. and he said that he feels led to talk about the story of Abraham sending his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac. and i was like !!!! I just read that passage last night! as i was searching for the tower of babel story, I came across that story and I was drawn to read it carefully even though I know that story already. it's a biblical fairytale sia. hahah anw quite amazed when you see how the Spirit works. i'm glad too that we're going to talk about it cos it's very appropriate for where many of us are right now in our lives, and a direct shot at a common struggle many of us share.

i'm so relieved it's the weekend of a break week. never have i felt such a big feeling of relief during a midterm break ever. time for a good zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

on growing up.

much as i try to close the chapter, i simply can't. there are things that are still unresolved, within myself. and as long as they aren't resolved, i cannot close it. because if i do so, it'll open on me someday in some way..fiery or subtly..and it won't be good. other people are also going to bear the brunt of it. i never understand how people can choose to hurry on in their lives with so much baggage not dealt with, when they don't actually have to.

it hasn't been long, but it's been a process painful enough to remember, and to be etched deeply somewhere within. often i wonder if it would have been better if it hadn't happened at all. i think it could have. but i wouldn't have grown the way i did. then again, i would have grown in another way. whatever it is, it's been done. i couldn't have thought of a better way to shake myself out of an idealistic world, where believing in the best of people i love was good enough to carry me through life. because they disappoint, just as i have disappointed many who love me. the only thing i can bear to believe with all my heart is, is my lord. i'm not saying that i'm saint enough never to be disappointed with god, but if even that salvation is not enough for me, then i will never be contented with anything ever.

again, it's been a bittersweet journey. even though the pain revisits more than once in a while, i cannot ignore the joy that came out of this.


it's only been a few months, but i feel as though i've walked through many years of life.
maybe it's the culmination of where i'm placed right now in different aspects of my life journey. it's like i'm busy finding the correct runway, checking all my gears and pushing the right buttons before it is time for me to take off and soar with all those passengers behind who will depend on the wisdom of my navigation. i realize this analogy is apt in so many ways that i can't be bothered to put them down.

haha guess you can feel that it's been a really heavy week.

oh, the creases.

Speak to us, Lord, till shamed by Thy great giving
Our hands unclasp to set our treasures free;
Our wills, our love, our dear ones, our possessions,
All gladly yielded, gracious Lord, to Thee. —Anon.

Through Christ we have the freedom to let go.

the older I get, the more fears, worries, and concerns I have. and they only get bigger.
my responsibility as an adult looms in my face and the future, though so bright and full of potential, is still uncertain and scary. I begin to worry for many people other than myself. that's multiple burdens on a single shoulder.

I live day to day to day, sometimes (actually most of the time) planning for the future, near and far. I'm so used to it that I take the future for granted. cos in a way, we must assume a future that we can actually live and plan. It's not a morbid thought to think, but I forget that every breath I take is at the mercy of the Lord. my life can be taken away at any moment He wants to. I'm not saying that then I don't have to plan or worry. Planning and worrying is one thing, but planning and knowing that everything is ultimately at the foot of Jesus' cross is another. that freedom is something I don't really know about yet. maybe i have a glimpse of it, but many times when I feel the uncertainty of my future and the future of my family (and not just the material), I cannot help but feel very burdened. I wish I knew that freedom.

Jesus said: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Luke 12:22-34

no more dreaming, no more hoping, no more risking.
no more hurting.



just let God be.