what is your worth?

"...in 1994, Rwanda experienced the equivalent of more than two World Trade Center attacks every single day for one hundred days. When America turned for help to its friends around the world after September 11, Americans were gratified by the overwhelming response. When the Tutsi cried out, by contrast, every country in the world turned away."

a few weeks ago we studied genocides for our political geography class. we watched this movie "Shake hands with the Devil". it was about the canadian general who was sent by the UN to Rwanda during their civil war. he requested many times for reinforcements and more money, but the UN turned him down and countries withdrew their troops from Rwanda. the general was so traumatized by what he experienced he tried to commit suicide many times. he's better now but i think he is still affected by it today. anw, he returned to rwanda years later and spoke at a local university there. he told the students in their faces that "the world does not care about you". that's the truth. it's sad and disgusting how some peoples can be deemed worthless.

tonight i learnt about how colonial ideologies are still present in our world today, only repackaged such that people don't really notice it. this practice of "Othering" based on some hegemonic (aka Western) standards still exists. third world countries have to develop the Western way, whether or not it's appropriate for them, and have to be like them in order to be developed. Countries and cultures like the muslim world, the african nations, the south american and asian nations are presented as the lesser peoples of the world who are evil and less valuable. the thing that struck me hardest was the fact that these perceptions have infiltrated the everyday world. There are countless examples! It is easy to point our fingers at world governments and leaders (who really ought to be slapped) but! whether we like it or not, we have to admit that we are racist to a certain extent, we have subconscious perceptions of cultures (our own and others) that are so deeply ingrained in us we don't realize it, and we value different people differently. the last, and most dangerous, thing that can happen is for us to shrug our shoulders and say 'oh, it's inevitable' and leave it as it is. perhaps it is inevitable, but to consciously be aware of it and to resist thoughts and spoken comments that reproduce such "othering" is already a step forward.

skool for keeps.

love my geog friends. they ever made me wonder if i have split personalities. lol. i dunno man.
but what the heck, i really treasure them a lot. and i learn a lot from them, academic work aside. they're beautiful people, in their own big and small ways. i love spending time with them, that much i know!

i wonder if the next semester will still be the same.. we'll all be off on our own a lot, doing our own research and own modules. kinda sad. just treasure whatever we share now.

anyways. love school!

yesterday we watched The Soloist during urban class. wow. it's a true story. it's about the friendship btw a very talented cellist who left julliard halfway and "ended up" on the streets because of a brain disorder or smthg, and a LA times frontpage columnist. anw the show was filmed in skid row and lots of the street scenes there were real (not cameos). it was shocking.

today sher showed me clips of The Noose on youtube (cos it was in our urban forum abt the serangoon gardens). freaking farrrrrnie! I used to watch an episode or two last time. but omg. i was hooked man. michelle chong is DA bomb.

talking about movies, we watched this movie Fireproof last cell. it was about marriage and love and the reality of them both. i'd recommend it to just about everybody, if you haven't watched it.

God can be pretty amazing. like the way things happen and stuff. haha. i learned a little more about the lives of some friends this week.
anw, my hons class had our first christian fellowship meeting today. the sem is ending but it's still something! haha very short but sweet. pleasant surprises and all. they're people we see day in and out anyway. nice knowing that there are people in your midst who are your brothers and sisters and share the same kinda dreams that you do.

ok randomness is over! time to start on the pol readings.

bird days!

the 12th of october is one of the best days in the world!
it's my mama's birthday, my best friend's birthday, and my lovely cousin's birthday!
haha. i've never posted a picture on my blog before i think so this shall be the first! and maybe the last lol.

hee. my mother's beautiful, isn't she? never really realized how before. and my father is beginning to resemble my grandpa!!! aaahhhhhrrggh. LOL.
tonight we sat on the benches in the night breeze yakking. i'm outdated totally. i was amazed when i listened to them talking and then realized how they share so much of their lives with each other, and how they support and encourage each other. it's always work in progress, but they've come so far in such a short time. i know that this is a prayer answered in abundance. yet when i see how hard the two of them try and work their marriage, i must confess it is sometimes difficult to draw that link back to Jesus, that this all came from Him. but because i know how much more it can be with christ, i cannot help but dream for them.

i thought about something else when i was showering too. my parents share a lot about their daily lives, their everyday achievements, struggles, disappointments and things they learn with me. and I do too. I talk to them about my school, about my work, about the things i learn in school, about my profs, my friendships and relationships, about my future, sometimes we debate and argue. but at the end of it all, i still don't feel as though i'm really sharing my life; like they still don't really know who i am. and then it dawned on me. it is because i don't talk to them about my walk with God. i rarely tell them about my life with Jesus, which is just about the biggest part of my existence these years. the only time we talk about God is when we are debating about Him and Christianity. I'm afraid to share all these with them. i'm afraid that they'd think i'm crazy and that i should stop believing so deeply in something invisible. it's like i subconciously tell myself that i should be contented that they support my religious belief. but that shouldn't be the case. i don't want it to stop there either.

~

skyping with hola.lola hahahah. what a name. we should have a sleepover at beck's or mine or smthg and then skype with her. it'd be fun i think! lol. sighs. connection lost. what a bummer. shouldn't have made her leave the table.

i'd better sleep soon. my head almost exploded from the lack of it today!

in the shadows of the night.

i feel like crumbling. and
i'm doing everything i can just to not cave in.
sometimes the strength goes missing. even the strength to pray.
cos i can't bear to. i'm so ashamed.
i am so undeserving.

this is not some irrational emotion. i know what i'm thinking. i know what is happening.

i wish i could take a break. just to go away and rest. to pick up the pieces and fix myself back. to go away to my secret garden and hopefully jesus will be there and there'd be peace and fragrance again.

but i can't just run.

actually, living is overwhelming because of the way i am inside. it has nothing to do with the amount of work and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like i'm such a failure as a child of god. sometimes i think that maybe god could be ashamed of me. why do i make such stupid choices.
will i ever have a healthy heart again?
today aunty jane said only god knows what we're thinking; what's going on in our hearts. it's true. only he knows. sometimes i don't even know what myself.

i'm so tired. i need to sleep. hopefully when i wake in the morning, the blackness will pass and the joy of christ will return. in all truth, i'm living day to day on the strength of god and the delight that comes with living on that strength. without him, i'm a hollow emptiness that is very dark and it frightens me.
this is the part of life where you live in the valley for awhile. just awhile.

for now, i'm going to hide under my covers.
and in my dreams, my secret garden.

can somebody please read to me?

back to austerity. I prefer it like that - simple, unadorned. the possibilities of emptiness (:

my head is spinning. why do we read so much? the words are swimming before me. i love learning. but a life time of these prints? i'd be blind by 30 if i were an academic, so there won't be a lifetime of these prints. maybe my profs have bionic eyes.

i dunno why there is this frustration that's boiling beneath today. maybe it's just the monthly thing. because i cannot think of any plausible reason to explain it. i'm doing my best to not let it boil over because my dad will bear the brunt of it and he is doing nothing to deserve it and i will regret it when i go to bed tonight. ARGH wth is wrong? maybe jesus will swallow it up for me. soon please, i'm ready to kick my table.

hm so is this why they don't allow females to pilot commercial planes? is this why we are labeled the irrational uncontrollable and hence lesser half of the human race? what a joke, many men don't even know how to express their emotions, let alone handle it. they are as bad as the women are, if not worse.

after working on zillions of articles about transnational families, I realized something! (ok maybe many people have realized it before)

the word 'familiar' is a variation of the word 'family'. makes a lot sense right?
hahaha. i have never made that connection before.

~

after 4 days of struggling and brick walls (the real ones in my room and the ones in my head), i can't believe i'm done with this. toughest piece of work EVER.

hurrah!

pick up your brush!

my room has a new look. with a beautiful cabinet. everything's neat and organized and clean and it feels great!
but right now, the haze is so bad i'm smogged. the smell is amazingly disgusting and i can't see past 100m out of my window!

~

sometimes the stress is agonizing, but i don't want to graduate! i love studying the things i'm studying. i love doing research and writing papers. not my passion, but i enjoy it a lot. it's like a kind of craftmanship. digging for ideas, reading other people's work, putting things together, trying out different perspectives, losing my direction, finding the best, doubting this and that, touching up, and then after everything discovering that my craft actually makes sense! i love it when i put my fingers on my keypad and my thoughts are magically strung together. language is a marvelous thing. like an artist's paint. better be good quality paint haha
sometimes i wish i didn't have to leave this world :(

big. bigger. biggest.

my dad just dug out a magnifying glass for me to read my readings. hahahah. how amusing is that.
my parents were horrified by the size of the print i read day in and out.

Through Heaven's Eyes

A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes
Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance
You must learn to join the dance
Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life
Look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

sigh(: listen carefully to each lyric! i love the lyrics. sooooo much wisdom in them!
we're so precious and valuable in heaven's eyes, no matter how much we can build or buy in our lifetime (:
we're as important as a single thread in a tapestry,
yet no matter how important we are, we can never see the biggest picture for we are but a tiny little portion of this world.

nuggets for thought.

I collected a few interesting nuggets this week (:

the tower of babel (Genesis 11):
I was sharing with beck that the stuff i've been reading all week (in fact, the stuff i've been studying all sem) seem to run along the lines of ethnic/racial/language/religious tensions. no matter what module it is, whether it's political geography or the urban, studies never seem to escape those divides. like all the world's problems are somehow inevitably connected to them. she then brought up the tower of babel and the city. then, all mankind spoke a single language. But people became all confident of themselves through their unity and thought nothing impossible for them. God then decided to separate mankind by confusing our languages and speech and scattering people in different places so that they will stop trying to be higher than God. That leads to (and answers) the question: why did God do that and allow the suffering that we've seen through history and today? it is so that there will always be a need for God, and people will see it, and go to Him. If all of humanity was united and perfect, we will never realize the need for God or even the need to acknowledge Him at all. If that were to happen, it may seem perfect on earth. but when Christ comes again, we will all fall short because we never saw the need to acknowledge a God or a Christ. at that point, eternity won't be perfect for many. The sufferings of present time are, however, temporary in the perspective of an eternity. If only all who are suffering have the light of Christ in their hearts, their perfect future awaits. In fact, they may even experience the joy of earthly life in a greater measure than the materially blessed ones. Bringing that light of Jesus to them is therefore one of the utmost desires of Christians.

I talked to serene about it, and she gave me another perspective. "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them" (Gen 11:6). That was what the Lord said. She asked me to imagine this in our churches. If all of us could speak that one language in our hearts, to identify ourselves in unity for Christ, and for our churches (rather than who's and who's cell, or which young adult group, or which clique in church), then the kind of work we do for Christ can actually be quite unthinkable. haha just a thought she passed on that was shared by her cell leader.

power of your love:

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

this is another something that serene passed on in the same conversation. hahah.
I've sung this song a zillion times, but I have never realized the depth of the lyric that speaks of the power that comes with waiting on God, that we may rise like the eagle. it is really, really a profound power that rises out of a trying yet unfathomably rewarding process.


anyhoos, i'm feeling quite excited n curious about tomorrow's cell. in the car earlier, i asked pastor to give a rough clue about what he was going to share tomorrow. and he said that he feels led to talk about the story of Abraham sending his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac. and i was like !!!! I just read that passage last night! as i was searching for the tower of babel story, I came across that story and I was drawn to read it carefully even though I know that story already. it's a biblical fairytale sia. hahah anw quite amazed when you see how the Spirit works. i'm glad too that we're going to talk about it cos it's very appropriate for where many of us are right now in our lives, and a direct shot at a common struggle many of us share.

i'm so relieved it's the weekend of a break week. never have i felt such a big feeling of relief during a midterm break ever. time for a good zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!