In spite of

I’m a woman of little faith. I’m extremely thankful that God is who He is. Thankful that the great I Am is constant in spite of who I become or what I do or do not do.

Nothing big, but this is almost a mountain-top experience.

~

White dog, black dog.

It’s a brilliant analogy. In every decision we make, we choose either to feed our Godly character or feed our sinful nature.

In a dog fight, who’s gonna win?

Foreign

I wonder if it is something I constantly revisit while it morphs and turns into a figment of my imaginative creation?

Leak

when memories and fears begin showing up in an extremely vivid form of sleep time dreaming, you know it’s time to take a check. unnecessary and obsessive thoughts? i’m still paying the price and learning the lesson. it really stinks. it’s like a montage of blinking lights – the good and the bad – they take turns to fade and reappear; a dance that never takes the curtain call.

the word of the week: attitude.
it changes everything, more than imaginable.
and it’s powerful, more than imaginable.

school’s finally in, and i’m still trying to grasp some form of orientation to a new life in a new campus. nevertheless, in the midst of a series of firsts and strangeness and incredulous hours, there is a joy that is seeping in from somewhere. contrary to popular lament, these things don’t seem useless at all. they are meaningful means to an unending end.

The other start

It is an hour into the last day of the year. So along with millions of other hansels and gretels, i’m gonna turn around to pick up the little milestones that have pebbled my year.

1. Truth – the truth will set you free. hence, true freedom.

2. Baptism – I was always one foot thrust heavenward. In the name of “true meaning”, I’d shun anything that was ritual-like. what’s the point of an outward expression when all that counts is its inward reflection? Little did I know how connected the two could be, and how powerful symbolism actually is. For what are you still holding back? Now, I’ve brought the other foot over.

3. Classrooms – This was one experience that saw God’s hand with me all through the weeks. To say that it was an incredible term would be an exaggeration. But to say that it was pleasant is a huge understatement. It is a career that so many other peers have chosen that it’s taken every sense of special-ness away. God returns it with a purpose.

4. Cell – one heck of a struggle. doesn’t it seem simple enough – it’s just a discussion! oh but no… I’ve come to the point where God has begun to question my efforts and push me further. I dare not tell others of my heart’s desire for us, because there would only be one word to describe it – idealistic. yea well, from my vantage point, it’s so difficult to achieve that it’s only something God can do, which is the whole point, isn’t it?

5. India – i still can’t believe we took that crazy 35hr train ride through an oven. i’ve few other experiences of being truly humbled in an absolutely non-exoticizing manner as that.

6. Graduation – almost the saddest point of the year. the end of one of the greatest journeys of my short young life. the world unfurled at a speed and complexity that was breathtaking (literally).

7. My heart was given back – a brand new one.

I can’t think of the next pebble, for now. A year ago, I wrote that if, at the end of this year, I am still running the race hard, i’ll give thanks and praise. So praise God for His faithfulness!

As for the next, I can’t think of any specific one, so i’ll settle for an all emcompassing one – that is to be challenged and stretched in every area of my existence.

The Pyramid of Life

“…Christians share an odd belief in parallel universes. One universe consists of glass and steel and wool clothes and leather briefcases and the smell of freshly ground coffee. The other consists of angels and spiritual forces and somewhere-out-there places called heaven and hell. We palpably inhabit the material world; it takes faith to consider oneself a citizen of the other, invisible world...”

Yesterday, the daily bread ran an article about parallel universes. It was kinda a warped sense of relief from realizing that I wasn’t alone in this boat struggling to straddle two very different worlds.

It bothers me how each time I talk, or rather debate-slash-argue, with my parents over my ‘religious obsession’, I stop to check if I’m really crazy and brainwashed. I mean, it’s not exactly a bad thing altogether… it’s good to take a pit stop sometimes and go back to square one and begin tracing the faith trajectory. It’s just that… it’s a few days to my baptism and I can’t decide if this was somehow God-planned for me to be doubly sure about it or an untimely attempt to throw me off the track.

Some time ago, caught in the whirl of academia stuff I was learning in university and in thinking about all the major Truth-God-Jesus-Bible questions I had, I drew out this pyramid trying to make sense of everything that was swirling in my mind… how and where could all these different realities fit in?

In the first layer of the pyramid, is the physical world. In there are all the tangible stuff in our lives that are measurable based on systems and concepts that have been created through history. Things like… society, culture, material wealth and poverty, technology, history, family, status, power, war, careers, institutions like marriage, property, governance, religion, transport, finance, currency; systems like banking, politics and borders, law; industries like trade, businesses, fashion, recreation, entertainment etc. the list could go on forever!

This is the realm where most people in the world stop at. Where lives are built navigating and circulating through all these stuff, playing its big game getting as close as possible to the top of this huge system of systems.

And then above that layer is the ideological realm that shapes the way we think and belief and perceive that physical realm. In my personal opinion, this is the most dangerous and trickiest layer of life, because it is a mind-field that can be contorted, controlled, and made to control. In this layer lies ideologies like secularism, capitalism, postmodernism, relativism, notions of self-fulfillment, religious doctrines, spirituality, materialism, science, feminism, racism, and a gazillion other -isms that I will never think of. These are belief systems that found their way into mainstream life as lenses for people to live through. And nobody escapes this layer, every person beliefs in something.

The layer above the latter would be the stuffs that make up the essence of being human. Needs, abilities, instincts, and understandings that separate us from the animal kingdom. Things like… satisfaction, happiness, truth, values, freedom, power, justice: good vs evil, emotions, faith, will: the ability to choose, etc. these are the stuff that are very difficult to deny because most of them are instinctive to being human. Even extreme relativism cannot flatten notions of good and evil because they’re just somehow primal. It explains why people who grew up locked into extreme anti-mainstream cults since infancy have the ability to figure out what good, evil, love and hate while living through heavily contorted minds. These are kinda like the ‘tools’ ideologies tap upon to make sense of themselves and construct life.

And the last layer at the cap of the pyramid is the spiritual realm where people either experience, disbelieve, deny, ignore, are unaware of, or are somewhere in between. This is the realm where the huge battle is fought unseen by the human eye. God, satan, angels, demons, all the different gods, heaven, hell, spirits and all. Needless to say, this is the most powerful realm of all.

So… what?

I was learning about how our world functions on numerous scales- from individual lives to societies to the national scale, the international scale, the geological scale (aka nature in this world), universal scale (nature beyond this planet), and all that academia trying to make sense of the whole systematic chaos that it is, and then realizing the cosmic scale with heaven and hell that we don’t see. At the same time, I was asking some fundamental questions about truth (is there such a thing is truth? Yes, there has to be), about God (does God exist?), about doctrines (ok, so there is a God... now which God is it?) I’ll skip some parts in between. So it came to the point where I narrowed it down to Judaism, Christianity, and none of the above.

The point of contention between the above three is… Jesus Christ. If He isn’t real, if He isn’t the Son of God, then it’s either Judaism, or that there are no existing doctrines in the world that point truthfully to God. So a good place to start would be to begin reading the story of Jesus in the gospels in detail to find out who exactly he is (the story of Jesus is actually the entire bible).

Honestly, and to my amazement, Jesus is the only answer that could make sense of everything put together. Who He is, what He stands for, what He did, why He did what He did, the before, during and after of His first coming… all these connected every layer of life and every scale of existence. And finding that out for myself really shocked me. I’d need another long winded and unending story to tell you how, which I’d attempt to in the future when my fingers aren’t this tired :)

So… this is my discovery of Christ as Truth.

Jesus is the answer that ties the parallel universes together.

“…Christmas turns the tables and hints at the struggle involved when the Lord of both worlds descends to live by the rules of the one. In Bethlehem, the two worlds came together, realigned. What Jesus went on to accomplish on planet Earth made it possible for God someday to resolve all disharmonies in both worlds. No wonder a choir of angels broke out in spontaneous song, disturbing not only a few shepherds but the entire universe (Luke 2:13-14).”

a spinning arrow

my mind's been turning so much i'm perpetually giddy!
still, i'm glad to have a compass that points perfectly.

heroes

Here's a question I hadn't been able to answer for a long time. If you were a man with a wife and children, and you're faced with a decision whether or not to put your life on the front line for the sake of defending your country, or whether to die for the sake of saving your friend's life, what decision would you make?

This question ever crossed LKY's mind before. In his biography and in interviews, he talked about his wife's capability, which was the reason he could go into politics wholeheartedly... knowing that if anything happened to him in an era that was turbulent and violent, his family would be taken care of.
I suppose that was how he drew his balance. Not every person's wife is like his, but there has to be people who are willing to do the life-risking jobs. The risk LKY took has paid off a very prosperous country. And that is just a risk... what about those who make a decision to die in order to save?

I think the easy response to an honourable answer to the question would be to say yes. Some may argue that your family is an extension of yourself, and not to save someone because of it is being selfish. But on the other hand, deciding to put your life down for the sake of someone else is also a decision to leave your family behind to grief and fend for the rest of their future.
will that make him an irresponsible hero?


ok.. so in an ethical dilemma, we turn to Jesus for an answer. I guess his choice would be to die, since he chose to die to save us all. and he didn't forget about his mother, whom he entrusted to his disciple so that she will be taken care of. living that out, it is an example for the church, the rest of the family's christian community to lend their financial and emotional support so that the family may get by as best as they can. yeap... I suppose that's the Christian answer. But honestly, at this point of time, I don't have the stomach of courage and faith to want a husband to make that kind of a decision on my family.

btw, I got thinking about this while re-watching Ip Man (it's a true story). He was a poor man and had a young son and his wife was in her final term of pregnancy when he went to challenge the stupid angmoh boxer in an almost fatal fight... for the sake of Chinese pride and to demonstrate what integrity is. During his preparation, his wife went into labour but she didn't want to distract him from his training. my worry while watching was... what if he hadn't survived the fight? what will become of his young family picking up the ruins of post-war poverty?

Jesus

it's really timely that when i entered this bible study course, they happened to be doing the last few chapters of the book of John. i was pouring through my journal, and it hit me that over the past couple of months, God's been answering a prayer I made late last year, and i even remember thinking about it when i was in India. it was about this huge problem i had with by-passing the cross, like my whole faith seemed to be based on emotions... which was dangerous because that cannot be the basis of going to God. i struggled with it because i simply couldn't grasp the reality of Christ's sacrifice. it just remained as one of those important biblical nuggets in my head that i knew i should know. when i was honest enough, i knew that i actually never understood the immensity of His dying for us and accepted Jesus as a doubtless truth.

bringing me step by step to fill that dangerous void was what God did through the last two months of bible study. i am truly awed by the kind of person Jesus is.. the compassion He has is so gripping it's inhuman. over the past 2-3 weeks, we've been dwelling on John 19, walking through the most important milestone in human history, pouring through the reasons, meanings, the spiritual symbolism behind every detail, seeing all that Jesus did till the very end, the fulfillment of many prophecies, the consistencies that string the bible together, the evidences, making sense of and piecing the whole process of Jesus' crucifixion together for myself... and i finally saw God's heart behind everything that happened.

i don't even know how to begin describing what my response is. :P i guess when i truly know who i worship and why... it does a lot of change to the reason i breathe and live everyday.

Monday Morning

It is a quiet morning at work, and there is a strange and enormous craving for some poetry. I miss literature lessons so much. jess and jingyun.. if u ever read this, i'm envious of you guys right now!

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

After the Designer, this is my other favourite from Frost, because such is the reality of making choices. There is no way I can see beyond the deepest bend. and to make the choice tougher, both paths look just as fair. well...because he wrote it in the last stanza, so it sounds as though it's the weighty truth..but is taking the road less traveled always the better choice? Frost ever commented that when he wrote this poem, he was thinking about his friend who had decided to join the war. and the decision was hard because either way, he would be sorry he hadn't chosen the other. I suppose it's different when we trust a God who sees beyond the bend and plants a signpost at our crossroads. We can walk down the path with no regrets. Yet, the choice is still ours to make. Out of curiosity, I'll always wonder what it would have been like if I'd taken the other.
Anyway, I love it that he uses nature all the time to discuss his thoughts about life.

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

- William Shakespeare

Now...this is an all-time favourite :) I'd never ever get tired of re-reading this poem! I wrote a commentary on this poem for a school assignment once, and it was one of the best experiences I'd ever had in my life. Perhaps I'd do it again some years down the road...just to see whether my perspective would've changed. To put it shortly, the sonnet captures the immense beauty and tough, persevering reality of true love.

so...it's all quiet in the office and this is probably the most relaxing a day at work will ever be. the students are having their examinations so there isn't any teaching or planning or work to be done...hurrah!
time to catch up on some reading (:

John 20

I was reading John 20 this morning. and I don't have my journal with me, so I'll write it in here so that I won't forget these thoughts. John 20 is the story of the empty tomb, and Jesus' first appearances to his disciples after his death. there were two parts in the story that really touched my heart...cos it showed the kind of person Jesus is.

Mary was weeping outside the empty tomb cos she thought that someone had stolen Jesus' body away and hidden it. she saw a figure standing near her, but she didnt' know that it was Jesus. she thought that he was the gardener. Jesus asked her "Woman, why are you weeping? whom are you seeking?" and Mary told Jesus (not knowing it was Him) to tell her where he'd hidden His body if he'd carried away His body away. at that, all Jesus said was "Mary!" and she turned to Him and cried "Teacher!" I can just imagine the way Jesus had called her name... it must have been a voice filled deep with love and a joy at being reunited with his disciple. it must have been a tone that Jesus had often used in love during the years he'd spent with her during his ministry on earth because she recognized it distinctively... and it must have been something profound because she hadn't recognized His voice when he'd asked her why she was weeping.
Will I ever hear Him call my name like that...?

The second part of the chapter that struck me was the story of Thomas, and how he'd outrightly stated that unless he sees the print of the nails in the Lord's hands, placed his finger on the prints and at the side of His body, he will not believe. 8 days later, they were assembled behind close doors, and the Lord miraculously appeared to be with them. and the first thing He did was to ask Thomas to place his finger and hand on His palms and side, so that Thomas may believe. The thing is, Thomas had aired his doubts among his friends when the Lord wasn't technically present with them. Yet, Jesus knew what exactly was on the heart of Thomas, and answered Thomas' request even before he'd presented them to Jesus. (: