Scribbles at the back of a car
As I grow older, my consciousness is scattered across different worlds, belonging to them all at the same time. It felt a little like that when I stepped into India. Tonight, arriving in Kedah was like a seamless stroll into a street across. It really feels like home; it feels light to be back. :) When I was a younger girl, flying one and a half hours up north was the equivalent of one bag of nerves on an annual pilgrimage into another dimension - filled with familiar faces of unfamiliar people speaking a gibberish dialect that faded into my background. Apparently, the two stark worlds have merged. Perhaps I've been traveling to Malaysia so often that it is no longer out of the ordinary, and unfamiliar lives have finally turned into loved ones.
It's a pretty long journey from the airport to my grandparents'. The elder brothers in the front chat intermittently, in between comfortable silences. I was resting on my mom, my head trying to catch her shoulder as the car sped and bumped across highway after highway. I secretly right-clicked and saved the moment as a morbid thought scampered across my mind. One day in the future, I'd never get to do this again, and I'd want to remember how her voice sounds like through the hollow of her back. It's really strange how fear can be love's favourite shadow, and I suppose that is partly why people say life is bittersweet! Sentences were beginning to form in my thoughts. Unable to sleep nor dig for my journal, I opened my laptop and here I am typing them out as we race down an empty night road, rows of shophouses half lit and silently cheering our homecoming party.
Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I have the nose of a dog. Before I can swing the car door open, I'm already flung into the welcoming aroma of the night air in this particular part of town. It is distinct, crisp, warm and lightly scented with Chinese ointment. Woo hoo! My grandpa's all ready and grinning at the gate in his stripped pajamas. Hahaha. Time to shut my lappie. Happy CNY everyone!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Why I love my strict Chinese mum
(link)
There's been this hoo-ha over "the western mom vs. the chinese mom" since the Wall Street Journal ran an excerpt from Amy Chua's memoir about her parenting as an Asian mother in the USA. She's received a lot of criticisms and death threats even since the article ran in the paper. So her daughter's (Sophia) written in in response. I'll leave you to read it - you can click on the link below the title. I got it from my friend's facebook page (yay to mobile surfing!) and totally enjoyed the read on my train journey.
Just as I stepped out of the train door, it hit me in a "!!!!!" kind of moment that I was actually brought up in exactly the same way. It seemed unrecognizably different being lived out through another person's life. I've been so conditioned by years of western education to think that the stereotypical pro-open and creative american parenting style is the way to go that I forgot my parents' current laidback-ness is a not too long ago change.
My mom was always the stricter one - and I daresay she held standards as tight as Amy Chua. I was rarely allowed to watch the television as a child (a pastime that is still non-existent to me now); I was forced to learn the piano - a process I hardly enjoyed; my Dad was prone to pampering me but it was a different story with my grades. Very typically Singaporean-Chinese, except for the television part. Yet, they lent a balance in the way they encouraged me to expand my capacities and experiences and was never for confining me to a measured and rigid route to success.
After I hit 18, I stopped buying the "live for the moment" cliche. I learnt that it is almost the cleverest way to make people live stupidly.
She's right. Creativity counts for nothing without discipline and perseverence. Life will be meaningless without responsibility and morality. It's not just an either-or; they're two sides that a coin must have in order to be of value.
(link)
There's been this hoo-ha over "the western mom vs. the chinese mom" since the Wall Street Journal ran an excerpt from Amy Chua's memoir about her parenting as an Asian mother in the USA. She's received a lot of criticisms and death threats even since the article ran in the paper. So her daughter's (Sophia) written in in response. I'll leave you to read it - you can click on the link below the title. I got it from my friend's facebook page (yay to mobile surfing!) and totally enjoyed the read on my train journey.
Just as I stepped out of the train door, it hit me in a "!!!!!" kind of moment that I was actually brought up in exactly the same way. It seemed unrecognizably different being lived out through another person's life. I've been so conditioned by years of western education to think that the stereotypical pro-open and creative american parenting style is the way to go that I forgot my parents' current laidback-ness is a not too long ago change.
My mom was always the stricter one - and I daresay she held standards as tight as Amy Chua. I was rarely allowed to watch the television as a child (a pastime that is still non-existent to me now); I was forced to learn the piano - a process I hardly enjoyed; my Dad was prone to pampering me but it was a different story with my grades. Very typically Singaporean-Chinese, except for the television part. Yet, they lent a balance in the way they encouraged me to expand my capacities and experiences and was never for confining me to a measured and rigid route to success.
After I hit 18, I stopped buying the "live for the moment" cliche. I learnt that it is almost the cleverest way to make people live stupidly.
There’s one more thing: I think the desire to live a meaningful life is universal. To some people, it’s working toward a goal. To others, it’s enjoying every minute of every day. So what does it really mean to live life to the fullest? Maybe striving to win a Nobel Prize and going skydiving are just two sides of the same coin. To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential. You feel it when you’re sprinting, and when the piano piece you’ve practiced for hours finally comes to life beneath your fingertips. You feel it when you encounter a life-changing idea, and when you do something on your own that you never thought you could. If I died tomorrow, I would die feeling I’ve lived my whole life at 110 percent.
She's right. Creativity counts for nothing without discipline and perseverence. Life will be meaningless without responsibility and morality. It's not just an either-or; they're two sides that a coin must have in order to be of value.
In spite of
I’m a woman of little faith. I’m extremely thankful that God is who He is. Thankful that the great I Am is constant in spite of who I become or what I do or do not do.
Nothing big, but this is almost a mountain-top experience.
~
White dog, black dog.
It’s a brilliant analogy. In every decision we make, we choose either to feed our Godly character or feed our sinful nature.
In a dog fight, who’s gonna win?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Leak
when memories and fears begin showing up in an extremely vivid form
of sleep time dreaming, you know it’s time to take a check. unnecessary
and obsessive thoughts? i’m still paying the price and learning the
lesson. it really stinks. it’s like a montage of blinking lights – the
good and the bad – they take turns to fade and reappear; a dance that
never takes the curtain call.
the word of the week: attitude.
it changes everything, more than imaginable.
and it’s powerful, more than imaginable.
school’s finally in, and i’m still trying to grasp some form of orientation to a new life in a new campus. nevertheless, in the midst of a series of firsts and strangeness and incredulous hours, there is a joy that is seeping in from somewhere. contrary to popular lament, these things don’t seem useless at all. they are meaningful means to an unending end.
the word of the week: attitude.
it changes everything, more than imaginable.
and it’s powerful, more than imaginable.
school’s finally in, and i’m still trying to grasp some form of orientation to a new life in a new campus. nevertheless, in the midst of a series of firsts and strangeness and incredulous hours, there is a joy that is seeping in from somewhere. contrary to popular lament, these things don’t seem useless at all. they are meaningful means to an unending end.
Friday, December 31, 2010
The other start
It is an hour into the last day of the year. So along with millions
of other hansels and gretels, i’m gonna turn around to pick up the
little milestones that have pebbled my year.
1. Truth – the truth will set you free. hence, true freedom.
2. Baptism – I was always one foot thrust heavenward. In the name of “true meaning”, I’d shun anything that was ritual-like. what’s the point of an outward expression when all that counts is its inward reflection? Little did I know how connected the two could be, and how powerful symbolism actually is. For what are you still holding back? Now, I’ve brought the other foot over.
3. Classrooms – This was one experience that saw God’s hand with me all through the weeks. To say that it was an incredible term would be an exaggeration. But to say that it was pleasant is a huge understatement. It is a career that so many other peers have chosen that it’s taken every sense of special-ness away. God returns it with a purpose.
4. Cell – one heck of a struggle. doesn’t it seem simple enough – it’s just a discussion! oh but no… I’ve come to the point where God has begun to question my efforts and push me further. I dare not tell others of my heart’s desire for us, because there would only be one word to describe it – idealistic. yea well, from my vantage point, it’s so difficult to achieve that it’s only something God can do, which is the whole point, isn’t it?
5. India – i still can’t believe we took that crazy 35hr train ride through an oven. i’ve few other experiences of being truly humbled in an absolutely non-exoticizing manner as that.
6. Graduation – almost the saddest point of the year. the end of one of the greatest journeys of my short young life. the world unfurled at a speed and complexity that was breathtaking (literally).
7. My heart was given back – a brand new one.
I can’t think of the next pebble, for now. A year ago, I wrote that if, at the end of this year, I am still running the race hard, i’ll give thanks and praise. So praise God for His faithfulness!
As for the next, I can’t think of any specific one, so i’ll settle for an all emcompassing one – that is to be challenged and stretched in every area of my existence.
1. Truth – the truth will set you free. hence, true freedom.
2. Baptism – I was always one foot thrust heavenward. In the name of “true meaning”, I’d shun anything that was ritual-like. what’s the point of an outward expression when all that counts is its inward reflection? Little did I know how connected the two could be, and how powerful symbolism actually is. For what are you still holding back? Now, I’ve brought the other foot over.
3. Classrooms – This was one experience that saw God’s hand with me all through the weeks. To say that it was an incredible term would be an exaggeration. But to say that it was pleasant is a huge understatement. It is a career that so many other peers have chosen that it’s taken every sense of special-ness away. God returns it with a purpose.
4. Cell – one heck of a struggle. doesn’t it seem simple enough – it’s just a discussion! oh but no… I’ve come to the point where God has begun to question my efforts and push me further. I dare not tell others of my heart’s desire for us, because there would only be one word to describe it – idealistic. yea well, from my vantage point, it’s so difficult to achieve that it’s only something God can do, which is the whole point, isn’t it?
5. India – i still can’t believe we took that crazy 35hr train ride through an oven. i’ve few other experiences of being truly humbled in an absolutely non-exoticizing manner as that.
6. Graduation – almost the saddest point of the year. the end of one of the greatest journeys of my short young life. the world unfurled at a speed and complexity that was breathtaking (literally).
7. My heart was given back – a brand new one.
I can’t think of the next pebble, for now. A year ago, I wrote that if, at the end of this year, I am still running the race hard, i’ll give thanks and praise. So praise God for His faithfulness!
As for the next, I can’t think of any specific one, so i’ll settle for an all emcompassing one – that is to be challenged and stretched in every area of my existence.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Pyramid of Life
“…Christians share an odd belief in parallel universes. One universe consists of glass and steel and wool clothes and leather briefcases and the smell of freshly ground coffee. The other consists of angels and spiritual forces and somewhere-out-there places called heaven and hell. We palpably inhabit the material world; it takes faith to consider oneself a citizen of the other, invisible world...”
Yesterday, the daily bread ran an article about parallel universes. It was kinda a warped sense of relief from realizing that I wasn’t alone in this boat struggling to straddle two very different worlds.
It bothers me how each time I talk, or rather debate-slash-argue, with my parents over my ‘religious obsession’, I stop to check if I’m really crazy and brainwashed. I mean, it’s not exactly a bad thing altogether… it’s good to take a pit stop sometimes and go back to square one and begin tracing the faith trajectory. It’s just that… it’s a few days to my baptism and I can’t decide if this was somehow God-planned for me to be doubly sure about it or an untimely attempt to throw me off the track.
Some time ago, caught in the whirl of academia stuff I was learning in university and in thinking about all the major Truth-God-Jesus-Bible questions I had, I drew out this pyramid trying to make sense of everything that was swirling in my mind… how and where could all these different realities fit in?
In the first layer of the pyramid, is the physical world. In there are all the tangible stuff in our lives that are measurable based on systems and concepts that have been created through history. Things like… society, culture, material wealth and poverty, technology, history, family, status, power, war, careers, institutions like marriage, property, governance, religion, transport, finance, currency; systems like banking, politics and borders, law; industries like trade, businesses, fashion, recreation, entertainment etc. the list could go on forever!
This is the realm where most people in the world stop at. Where lives are built navigating and circulating through all these stuff, playing its big game getting as close as possible to the top of this huge system of systems.
And then above that layer is the ideological realm that shapes the way we think and belief and perceive that physical realm. In my personal opinion, this is the most dangerous and trickiest layer of life, because it is a mind-field that can be contorted, controlled, and made to control. In this layer lies ideologies like secularism, capitalism, postmodernism, relativism, notions of self-fulfillment, religious doctrines, spirituality, materialism, science, feminism, racism, and a gazillion other -isms that I will never think of. These are belief systems that found their way into mainstream life as lenses for people to live through. And nobody escapes this layer, every person beliefs in something.
The layer above the latter would be the stuffs that make up the essence of being human. Needs, abilities, instincts, and understandings that separate us from the animal kingdom. Things like… satisfaction, happiness, truth, values, freedom, power, justice: good vs evil, emotions, faith, will: the ability to choose, etc. these are the stuff that are very difficult to deny because most of them are instinctive to being human. Even extreme relativism cannot flatten notions of good and evil because they’re just somehow primal. It explains why people who grew up locked into extreme anti-mainstream cults since infancy have the ability to figure out what good, evil, love and hate while living through heavily contorted minds. These are kinda like the ‘tools’ ideologies tap upon to make sense of themselves and construct life.
And the last layer at the cap of the pyramid is the spiritual realm where people either experience, disbelieve, deny, ignore, are unaware of, or are somewhere in between. This is the realm where the huge battle is fought unseen by the human eye. God, satan, angels, demons, all the different gods, heaven, hell, spirits and all. Needless to say, this is the most powerful realm of all.
So… what?
I was learning about how our world functions on numerous scales- from individual lives to societies to the national scale, the international scale, the geological scale (aka nature in this world), universal scale (nature beyond this planet), and all that academia trying to make sense of the whole systematic chaos that it is, and then realizing the cosmic scale with heaven and hell that we don’t see. At the same time, I was asking some fundamental questions about truth (is there such a thing is truth? Yes, there has to be), about God (does God exist?), about doctrines (ok, so there is a God... now which God is it?) I’ll skip some parts in between. So it came to the point where I narrowed it down to Judaism, Christianity, and none of the above.
The point of contention between the above three is… Jesus Christ. If He isn’t real, if He isn’t the Son of God, then it’s either Judaism, or that there are no existing doctrines in the world that point truthfully to God. So a good place to start would be to begin reading the story of Jesus in the gospels in detail to find out who exactly he is (the story of Jesus is actually the entire bible).
Honestly, and to my amazement, Jesus is the only answer that could make sense of everything put together. Who He is, what He stands for, what He did, why He did what He did, the before, during and after of His first coming… all these connected every layer of life and every scale of existence. And finding that out for myself really shocked me. I’d need another long winded and unending story to tell you how, which I’d attempt to in the future when my fingers aren’t this tired :)
So… this is my discovery of Christ as Truth.
Jesus is the answer that ties the parallel universes together.
“…Christmas turns the tables and hints at the struggle involved when the Lord of both worlds descends to live by the rules of the one. In Bethlehem, the two worlds came together, realigned. What Jesus went on to accomplish on planet Earth made it possible for God someday to resolve all disharmonies in both worlds. No wonder a choir of angels broke out in spontaneous song, disturbing not only a few shepherds but the entire universe (Luke 2:13-14).”
Monday, December 06, 2010
a spinning arrow
my mind's been turning so much i'm perpetually giddy!
still, i'm glad to have a compass that points perfectly.
still, i'm glad to have a compass that points perfectly.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
heroes
Here's a question I hadn't been able to answer for a long time. If you were a man with a wife and children, and you're faced with a decision whether or not to put your life on the front line for the sake of defending your country, or whether to die for the sake of saving your friend's life, what decision would you make?
This question ever crossed LKY's mind before. In his biography and in interviews, he talked about his wife's capability, which was the reason he could go into politics wholeheartedly... knowing that if anything happened to him in an era that was turbulent and violent, his family would be taken care of.
I suppose that was how he drew his balance. Not every person's wife is like his, but there has to be people who are willing to do the life-risking jobs. The risk LKY took has paid off a very prosperous country. And that is just a risk... what about those who make a decision to die in order to save?
I think the easy response to an honourable answer to the question would be to say yes. Some may argue that your family is an extension of yourself, and not to save someone because of it is being selfish. But on the other hand, deciding to put your life down for the sake of someone else is also a decision to leave your family behind to grief and fend for the rest of their future.
will that make him an irresponsible hero?
ok.. so in an ethical dilemma, we turn to Jesus for an answer. I guess his choice would be to die, since he chose to die to save us all. and he didn't forget about his mother, whom he entrusted to his disciple so that she will be taken care of. living that out, it is an example for the church, the rest of the family's christian community to lend their financial and emotional support so that the family may get by as best as they can. yeap... I suppose that's the Christian answer. But honestly, at this point of time, I don't have the stomach of courage and faith to want a husband to make that kind of a decision on my family.
btw, I got thinking about this while re-watching Ip Man (it's a true story). He was a poor man and had a young son and his wife was in her final term of pregnancy when he went to challenge the stupid angmoh boxer in an almost fatal fight... for the sake of Chinese pride and to demonstrate what integrity is. During his preparation, his wife went into labour but she didn't want to distract him from his training. my worry while watching was... what if he hadn't survived the fight? what will become of his young family picking up the ruins of post-war poverty?
This question ever crossed LKY's mind before. In his biography and in interviews, he talked about his wife's capability, which was the reason he could go into politics wholeheartedly... knowing that if anything happened to him in an era that was turbulent and violent, his family would be taken care of.
I suppose that was how he drew his balance. Not every person's wife is like his, but there has to be people who are willing to do the life-risking jobs. The risk LKY took has paid off a very prosperous country. And that is just a risk... what about those who make a decision to die in order to save?
I think the easy response to an honourable answer to the question would be to say yes. Some may argue that your family is an extension of yourself, and not to save someone because of it is being selfish. But on the other hand, deciding to put your life down for the sake of someone else is also a decision to leave your family behind to grief and fend for the rest of their future.
will that make him an irresponsible hero?
ok.. so in an ethical dilemma, we turn to Jesus for an answer. I guess his choice would be to die, since he chose to die to save us all. and he didn't forget about his mother, whom he entrusted to his disciple so that she will be taken care of. living that out, it is an example for the church, the rest of the family's christian community to lend their financial and emotional support so that the family may get by as best as they can. yeap... I suppose that's the Christian answer. But honestly, at this point of time, I don't have the stomach of courage and faith to want a husband to make that kind of a decision on my family.
btw, I got thinking about this while re-watching Ip Man (it's a true story). He was a poor man and had a young son and his wife was in her final term of pregnancy when he went to challenge the stupid angmoh boxer in an almost fatal fight... for the sake of Chinese pride and to demonstrate what integrity is. During his preparation, his wife went into labour but she didn't want to distract him from his training. my worry while watching was... what if he hadn't survived the fight? what will become of his young family picking up the ruins of post-war poverty?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Jesus
it's really timely that when i entered this bible study course, they happened to be doing the last few chapters of the book of John. i was pouring through my journal, and it hit me that over the past couple of months, God's been answering a prayer I made late last year, and i even remember thinking about it when i was in India. it was about this huge problem i had with by-passing the cross, like my whole faith seemed to be based on emotions... which was dangerous because that cannot be the basis of going to God. i struggled with it because i simply couldn't grasp the reality of Christ's sacrifice. it just remained as one of those important biblical nuggets in my head that i knew i should know. when i was honest enough, i knew that i actually never understood the immensity of His dying for us and accepted Jesus as a doubtless truth.
bringing me step by step to fill that dangerous void was what God did through the last two months of bible study. i am truly awed by the kind of person Jesus is.. the compassion He has is so gripping it's inhuman. over the past 2-3 weeks, we've been dwelling on John 19, walking through the most important milestone in human history, pouring through the reasons, meanings, the spiritual symbolism behind every detail, seeing all that Jesus did till the very end, the fulfillment of many prophecies, the consistencies that string the bible together, the evidences, making sense of and piecing the whole process of Jesus' crucifixion together for myself... and i finally saw God's heart behind everything that happened.
i don't even know how to begin describing what my response is. :P i guess when i truly know who i worship and why... it does a lot of change to the reason i breathe and live everyday.
bringing me step by step to fill that dangerous void was what God did through the last two months of bible study. i am truly awed by the kind of person Jesus is.. the compassion He has is so gripping it's inhuman. over the past 2-3 weeks, we've been dwelling on John 19, walking through the most important milestone in human history, pouring through the reasons, meanings, the spiritual symbolism behind every detail, seeing all that Jesus did till the very end, the fulfillment of many prophecies, the consistencies that string the bible together, the evidences, making sense of and piecing the whole process of Jesus' crucifixion together for myself... and i finally saw God's heart behind everything that happened.
i don't even know how to begin describing what my response is. :P i guess when i truly know who i worship and why... it does a lot of change to the reason i breathe and live everyday.
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