groping

“And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.” Acts 17: 26-27


there's a reason why He said "grope". It means 'to search blindly and with uncertainty'.
blind faith, we talk about it a lot.. like how our faith is not entirely blind, but based partially on a certain degree of rational and logic.
I think that rational part is miniscule.

y'know how blind people find their way around right? They can't see. They can never be certain of what is ahead or what is coming. They use their heightened senses. They feel, and most of the time, they would depend on their instinct - no logic in that.

and I'm pretty sure that's how we search for God, or how people search for any faith of their own. at least that's how it was like when I searched for Him. I felt my way around with my heart - blind faith. it's almost impossible to think through a decision such as this.

and then we'll "find". this is then when rational enters, when things start falling into place, when experiences begin, when order tames the chaos, and life begins to make sense.

the thing is, He isn't far from each one of us. we really don't have to grope for long. just start groping for the truth.

fruits of the Spirit.
only when it's taken away, I then know what He has been doing.

anw I really think my temper is going berserk. I know I can control it outwardly but inside of me I just keep getting pissed off like nobody's business. and impatience is getting the better of me.
something is just wrong. I can't control my nerves and emotions properly anymore.
Some people tell me that it's not good to keep emotions under control all the time.. it's good to express them blahblah. yeah but selectively. it's good EQ to be able to do so.

on another note,
IHG touch has ended. I was so looking forward to the end of it cos I badly wanted the break. But as the end neared, I so badly didn't want it to end just like that so fast! It was a bit streneous but it was certainly a wonderful experience captaining this year's touch team. It was totally worth it, the ups more than made up for the downs. think the girls really did great. I love this team a lot.

think this more or less spells the end of me and sports. and y'know what? God is great. He gave me everything I wanted out of sports. I wanted to play in a team that I could put in my every worth. and I got one that I really put my heart into. I couldn't have asked for more. It was my responsibility to give my 100%, but these girls just made every percent of it worthwhile.

I gained so much out of this. I'm so grateful to my friends who had encouraged and urged me to do this and were supportive in many ways. all the people who helped me in leading n coaching, who taught me how to lead, and through it all, here and there, friends and the girls in the team who provided a lot of lessons that will last my lifetime.

a lot of other things have been changing.. I can only say that despite my unfaithfulness, my disbeliefs, my stubborness, my disobedience, my outright rebuffs towards Him, the Father is kind, gracious, faithful. and to be all that, I guess He's forgiving. It drives me insane. it's so unbelievable.. things that happen to me around me. people (myself included) hang the word faith on our tongues so loosely and talk about it like we've memorized an entire essay on the word. but it's freaking difficult holding on to the invisible Someone whom I will and can only know in my heart till the day I die.

Some things are easy to say, issues that seem easy and straight forward if we go by the book and our convictions. but then when you get there, and you're in those shoes, it becomes a whole different picture. Although people mean well, they talk like they know it all because those are the rules and course is set. I was like that before. But now I know. It's so different. Next time, I'll think 5 times over how to open my mouth to advise before I do.




maybe.. just maybe.. unconditional love is real. maybe the love of Jesus can be found somewhere among us.
then again, we're humans. and human beings change all the time.
owell.

went for a church's christmas play yesterday (which was really good) and i had this verse stuck at the back of my head the whole night. I sat there pondering hard for the meaning behind what Jesus had said: You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you. (John 15:16)

I was thinking huh? I thought it was always our choice to choose Christ. Like how He can pursue us to the end of our lives but at the end of the day, it is still our decision whether or not to pick up the cross.

I finally googled some bible commentaries.
These words plainly teach us that our salvation comes only from the favour and gracious goodness of the everlasting God towards us, and of nothing that we do or can deserve.

think I gotta take one step backward. It was God, Father and Son, who had first chosen us to be created and conceived, to be loved and pursued, such that through these, the gift of choice was born. For no man seeks after God on his own accord, the fact that there is a choice to be made, the fact that the option is available in our minds, is God's pursue made evident. It is because of God's favour upon us, that we have this chance to choose Him. He had first chosen us.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.


every lyric of this song glows and I dunno why..?

I wonder if I would ever have to say goodbye.

If this journey was a song...



just something else... today I was thinking sometimes, within the Christian circle in the Christian context, "Christian" words and terms are used so frequently and flippantly they lose their meaning and their significance. then they become just one of those words. words that become impersonal and irrelevant to real life. when that happens, Christianity feels like another subject full of terminologies that I'm studying outside my sch curriculum.
owell just thoughts!

I keep asking God to help me and do it for me because I can't do it on my own. and I think that it has come to a point where I know God is already helping me. But because I'm not His robot but His child, He's not going to control my mind and my world and do everything for me. He's leaving the rest up to me. It's my choice to make, my test to endure, my lesson to learn.


meaningless. argh. i can be so unreal and selfish i can't believe myself. ewk.

for the first time, i truly realize the weight of it all. it's either this, or that.

the biggest thing I took home with me over the past week is this:

to believe, it costs nothing.
to follow, it will cost something.
to serve, it will cost everything.

everything. oh my goodness.
what is my choice going to be?
it's so easy to say YES! now, but living it out is the real deal.

I think that loving Jesus is not like a I want to and then I can and I will kind of thing.
it takes so much that I think I actually have never ever really loved Jesus before. it's so painful to realize that.
only He can put that love into my heart.

=((((((((((((((((((((

the sad face looks like it's got zilliple (one zillion) chins.. uber FAT!!! hahah
arghghghghghhggggghhhhhgggghhhhhhhhhhh........
so siannnnnnn................
it's been nubbad till now but the last paper is just killinngggggg..........
why must wait for so loooonnngggggg......
no more stamina larhh.............
boo.
i need more pressure!!

ok c'mon!

always

I just realized that the word 'always' probably came from 'all ways'... like in all ways.
think it adds a lot of meaning to the word whenever I use it

family

I was watching Singapore Dreaming earlier and it was quite an experience.. I've never watched a movie that felt more real than this before.. it was indeed quite a truthful portrayal of many singaporean lower-middle class families, striving so hard to move up the social and financial ladder. and everything was so familiar. the lifestyle, the people, the mindsets.

there was a lot of hurt going around the family. i thought it was really quite insane.. throughout the time i was watching them, the biggest thing i'd felt was their entrapment. entrapped by expectations, inferiority, deeply rooted hurt, disappointments, and a huge dose of insensitivity. i think many singaporean families are like that because it's not the asian/chinese culture to express affection and love. we hear it so often that it has turned into an accepted justification for the lack of expressed love within families. yet it is not.

and it was too familiar.. the hurtful words, the disappointments, the anger, the frustration, the yelling, the hurt. all swirling viciously under our roof. last weekend, i was talking to my father and i told him he was overworked. but he replied me saying that i may not be able to see it, but he's happy. he doesn't need the overseas holidays, he doesn't need a car or a fancy home, or to eat out at nice restaurants even on an occasional basis. he's happy working because he has my mom for company while he works, and he's happy because i'm in his life and he sees me and hears my voice. i couldn't believe my ears. and i couldn't believe my joy. Just 3 years ago, I would have never ever, even in the most promising moments, dreamt of this family. when i see my dad and mom care for each other, and hear words of tenderness passed between them, I am so sure that God is with us. It is an answered prayer, a prayer that was begged and begged before God through unending tears. I'd just asked Him to keep us together and not to let us part. That was more than I could've asked for. But He'd given so much more, so much so much more. It is a miracle before my own eyes and it is His love for me and my family abundantly expressed and felt.

as i was brought through the family's journey in the movie, i couldn't help wishing so hard that they could have the opportunity to have God in their lives as a strong and everlasting pillar of their home. A God in whom they can rest their financial burdens upon because He is a God who provides tangibly, as we strive as best as we can. A God in whom they can lay their disappointments and fears to rest because He is a God of forgiveness. To have their hearts yearning for the love of God and the love of a family, rather than pride and the material that is immaterial. To have a God in whom they can share a deeply-seated joy.




on a separate note, i saw this picture in an email.


and i realised i can't imagine what it is like waking up wanting to die. and then i realised that actually, you could be in a bed like the little girl's and wake up wanting to die or be in a bed like the starved and homeless boy's and wake up wanting a future. it's all in the heart. yea it's called hope.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

-by Matt Redman

"'Blessed Be Your Name' stems from the story of our lives," Matt explains. "Both Beth and I had tough upbringings--a lot of different
issues to do with fathers--and over the years we've come to realize that worshiping God is a choice, and the best choice we'll ever make."

"Trust is a beautiful act of worship," Matt says. "It says to God, 'I believe in You--in Your unfailing goodness and greatness--no matter
what season of life I find myself in.'"

I remembered sometime ago while I was struggling to keep afloat in my faith and felt as though i was walking in a vacuum, al encouraged me to pray and to worship even though i barely felt like doing any of those. It means a lot, a lot, when we pray and give praise even though we don't feel like it. Worshiping God is a choice. Believing is a choice.