it's goodbye forever.
i will never look back again.

thank you for the memories.

Jon Schmidt.

the food of Christ.

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open you eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together."

-John 4:34-36

If my life on earth with Jesus were written as a book, I'm at its preface. It's a time of preparation, of cleansing, of emptying, of being humbled, of hungering after.

how do you dream with Jesus?

Witnessing the reality of Christ in this world by faith, by sight, and in the most private of my heart is one of the biggest joys and privileges of being His child and friend.

dawn of the daunting.

gosh i really don't know how i am going to get through the coming week. on top of the 4 papers, there are so many other things going on as well. i feel really daunted because i'm pretty clueless about what i'm going to do for my papers. and pressurized cos i want to produce good papers. oh man. i'm all prepared to work like a dog for the next couple of weeks. i wanna enjoy the work too but i don't know how it's going to happen in a pressure cooker! God please hold me together!

thank You for loving me.

When I woke up today in a sleepy haze, I would have never in my life guessed that such an insane day was awaiting. the moment i stepped out of this morning's class, i was experiencing god's movement over and over and over again. till i stepped home at 12am. god just worked and revealed and taught me so much in a day. so much that i'm feeling quite overwhelmed, like i can't digest it all. seriously even recalling the day's events in their details require quite a bit of mental energy. it was such an eventful day, and i cannot believe that all these happened. like what were the chances of all of these, and all of these people? some my heart met with heaviness, with amazement and incredibility, some with a love and fondness i never knew, some with sorrow and regret, with curiosity and expectancy. and what was it that moved my heart so much? at the bottom of it all i know one thing...

...i am loved by God, and He's got to be real. He is a precise Guide who watches and cares for my every step. I never want to regret missing His voice and direction. and though it is so ugly and unworthy, He holds my heart in His hands like a precious drop of tear.






i hope that someday i can stand before You and tell You with all my heart and in all truth that I love You.

the lad(y).

this afternoon i was chatting with a friend (haha) and i was telling him that someone told me today that feminists don't like people to use the word lady. cos lady is borne out of the word lad. like female from the word male, woman from the word man, and she from the word he. so it's as though uh girls (it's like the only usable word left?!) can only find their identity in relation to men. then i told him that actually it's a biblical thing too. God made Eve out of Adam.

i've struggled with this whole woman vs man thing. why do women have to submit to men? why did God make it this way? isn't it unfair? yah so what if the men love their women. why do we play the "lesser" role, the "supportive" role and not the lead, like forever relegated to the sidelines?
sometimes i question (especially during feminist classes), and i feel very angsty about it. and i feel like shucks man were we meant to be lesser than the men?!! then when i'm more holy pokey i just accept it. if God wants it this way, then it's this way. There is, after all, a nobility and a very very appreciable beauty to a woman's divinely designated role in this world.

in actuality, it's all about valuation.

the very idea that women, playing the supportive role, are lesser than the leading men is a construction. even this innate thinking that a supportive role is less important than a leading role is also a societal construction. who told us to think this way? generations of societal thinking. this is the way (many) societies place values on genders, and then we internalize them and reproduce them so that it's become a way of life.

BUT that is not the way God values women and men. the way He constructed it was totally different. yup, the men are to lead and the women are to support. the husbands are the heads of households and the wives are to submit. but God never ever said that submitting is bad or the leader will have greater eternal rewards than the supporter. only people around us and the societal values we grow up with tell us so (our capitalistic world). In the eyes of God, we are not valued according to whether we are male or female. His standards are very different from the standards that we are so accustomed to.

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."

- Galatians 3:26-29

what is your worth?

"...in 1994, Rwanda experienced the equivalent of more than two World Trade Center attacks every single day for one hundred days. When America turned for help to its friends around the world after September 11, Americans were gratified by the overwhelming response. When the Tutsi cried out, by contrast, every country in the world turned away."

a few weeks ago we studied genocides for our political geography class. we watched this movie "Shake hands with the Devil". it was about the canadian general who was sent by the UN to Rwanda during their civil war. he requested many times for reinforcements and more money, but the UN turned him down and countries withdrew their troops from Rwanda. the general was so traumatized by what he experienced he tried to commit suicide many times. he's better now but i think he is still affected by it today. anw, he returned to rwanda years later and spoke at a local university there. he told the students in their faces that "the world does not care about you". that's the truth. it's sad and disgusting how some peoples can be deemed worthless.

tonight i learnt about how colonial ideologies are still present in our world today, only repackaged such that people don't really notice it. this practice of "Othering" based on some hegemonic (aka Western) standards still exists. third world countries have to develop the Western way, whether or not it's appropriate for them, and have to be like them in order to be developed. Countries and cultures like the muslim world, the african nations, the south american and asian nations are presented as the lesser peoples of the world who are evil and less valuable. the thing that struck me hardest was the fact that these perceptions have infiltrated the everyday world. There are countless examples! It is easy to point our fingers at world governments and leaders (who really ought to be slapped) but! whether we like it or not, we have to admit that we are racist to a certain extent, we have subconscious perceptions of cultures (our own and others) that are so deeply ingrained in us we don't realize it, and we value different people differently. the last, and most dangerous, thing that can happen is for us to shrug our shoulders and say 'oh, it's inevitable' and leave it as it is. perhaps it is inevitable, but to consciously be aware of it and to resist thoughts and spoken comments that reproduce such "othering" is already a step forward.

skool for keeps.

love my geog friends. they ever made me wonder if i have split personalities. lol. i dunno man.
but what the heck, i really treasure them a lot. and i learn a lot from them, academic work aside. they're beautiful people, in their own big and small ways. i love spending time with them, that much i know!

i wonder if the next semester will still be the same.. we'll all be off on our own a lot, doing our own research and own modules. kinda sad. just treasure whatever we share now.

anyways. love school!

yesterday we watched The Soloist during urban class. wow. it's a true story. it's about the friendship btw a very talented cellist who left julliard halfway and "ended up" on the streets because of a brain disorder or smthg, and a LA times frontpage columnist. anw the show was filmed in skid row and lots of the street scenes there were real (not cameos). it was shocking.

today sher showed me clips of The Noose on youtube (cos it was in our urban forum abt the serangoon gardens). freaking farrrrrnie! I used to watch an episode or two last time. but omg. i was hooked man. michelle chong is DA bomb.

talking about movies, we watched this movie Fireproof last cell. it was about marriage and love and the reality of them both. i'd recommend it to just about everybody, if you haven't watched it.

God can be pretty amazing. like the way things happen and stuff. haha. i learned a little more about the lives of some friends this week.
anw, my hons class had our first christian fellowship meeting today. the sem is ending but it's still something! haha very short but sweet. pleasant surprises and all. they're people we see day in and out anyway. nice knowing that there are people in your midst who are your brothers and sisters and share the same kinda dreams that you do.

ok randomness is over! time to start on the pol readings.

bird days!

the 12th of october is one of the best days in the world!
it's my mama's birthday, my best friend's birthday, and my lovely cousin's birthday!
haha. i've never posted a picture on my blog before i think so this shall be the first! and maybe the last lol.

hee. my mother's beautiful, isn't she? never really realized how before. and my father is beginning to resemble my grandpa!!! aaahhhhhrrggh. LOL.
tonight we sat on the benches in the night breeze yakking. i'm outdated totally. i was amazed when i listened to them talking and then realized how they share so much of their lives with each other, and how they support and encourage each other. it's always work in progress, but they've come so far in such a short time. i know that this is a prayer answered in abundance. yet when i see how hard the two of them try and work their marriage, i must confess it is sometimes difficult to draw that link back to Jesus, that this all came from Him. but because i know how much more it can be with christ, i cannot help but dream for them.

i thought about something else when i was showering too. my parents share a lot about their daily lives, their everyday achievements, struggles, disappointments and things they learn with me. and I do too. I talk to them about my school, about my work, about the things i learn in school, about my profs, my friendships and relationships, about my future, sometimes we debate and argue. but at the end of it all, i still don't feel as though i'm really sharing my life; like they still don't really know who i am. and then it dawned on me. it is because i don't talk to them about my walk with God. i rarely tell them about my life with Jesus, which is just about the biggest part of my existence these years. the only time we talk about God is when we are debating about Him and Christianity. I'm afraid to share all these with them. i'm afraid that they'd think i'm crazy and that i should stop believing so deeply in something invisible. it's like i subconciously tell myself that i should be contented that they support my religious belief. but that shouldn't be the case. i don't want it to stop there either.

~

skyping with hola.lola hahahah. what a name. we should have a sleepover at beck's or mine or smthg and then skype with her. it'd be fun i think! lol. sighs. connection lost. what a bummer. shouldn't have made her leave the table.

i'd better sleep soon. my head almost exploded from the lack of it today!

in the shadows of the night.

i feel like crumbling. and
i'm doing everything i can just to not cave in.
sometimes the strength goes missing. even the strength to pray.
cos i can't bear to. i'm so ashamed.
i am so undeserving.

this is not some irrational emotion. i know what i'm thinking. i know what is happening.

i wish i could take a break. just to go away and rest. to pick up the pieces and fix myself back. to go away to my secret garden and hopefully jesus will be there and there'd be peace and fragrance again.

but i can't just run.

actually, living is overwhelming because of the way i am inside. it has nothing to do with the amount of work and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like i'm such a failure as a child of god. sometimes i think that maybe god could be ashamed of me. why do i make such stupid choices.
will i ever have a healthy heart again?
today aunty jane said only god knows what we're thinking; what's going on in our hearts. it's true. only he knows. sometimes i don't even know what myself.

i'm so tired. i need to sleep. hopefully when i wake in the morning, the blackness will pass and the joy of christ will return. in all truth, i'm living day to day on the strength of god and the delight that comes with living on that strength. without him, i'm a hollow emptiness that is very dark and it frightens me.
this is the part of life where you live in the valley for awhile. just awhile.

for now, i'm going to hide under my covers.
and in my dreams, my secret garden.