a morning lesson

one morning during a time of worship, God showed me something really important and precious to remember.
I was trying to worship... trying really hard. really really hard. like pushing and willing myself to exalt Him more and more. Yet, it was still that empty quietness in my heart. Then, I just gave up. that was when the word "honest" surfaced in my heart. and I knew then that He needed me to first be honest and offer an honest worship. So i began cutting away those fluffy and self-made, self-willed-out parts and gestures of worship. I cut...and cut...and cut... and then I realized all I had that was real and honest was so little. like tiny little. and I told God...this is all I have. so little.
But.. He told me that it's enough and it's good, and He accepted it. I was amazed....it was seriously little.. But simply because it was pure and honest, He took it. such a tiny offering and yet to Him it was enough.

Right after that worship, the pastor preached about authentic worship. Geez. What a prelude that was. That one encounter with God really taught me, and it's really changed my heart of worship, and I ask God that it remains that way, transformed.

I suppose it is the same with everything else. with prayer, and with our faith. we're always pushing and pushing thinking that the harder we push, the closer we'll get. that is why we pray prayers believing in the might of our prayers and build our faith upon the size of our faith. but that's not what it is! we pray prayers believing in the might of our Risen Lord and build our faith upon the size of our God Almighty. that is why faith the size of a mustard seed is enough, cos it's planted in the power of our God. prayer, faith, and worship...they don't have to be big to be powerful. they just have to be placed at the right altar :)

Beauty

“We do not merely want to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words – to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.”

C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory.

This explains it so precisely! To a teenage girl, the world was very beautiful. But in those years, I could never explain why that sense of beauty was always incomplete and out of reach.

eternal redemption.

A few years ago, my mother made me attend this forum introduction to a program where people come together to better their lives using breakthrough (psychological) technologies. there would be a speaker and also group counselors who would help us identify the source of deep seated problems, and help us work towards a freedom from such bondage and also to improve and restore relationships that have been broken. It was the last day of the forum and people we were growing more comfortable sharing their issues with the class so that the speaker could demonstrate how to help them break down and resolve their issues. but no one was prepared for this particular story.

A lady went up and very bravely confessed her wrong doing...she'd cheated on her husband with their male friend 10 years back, and the male friend had subsequently cheated on her with his maid. there was so much, so much hurt in the whole situation. and... the mind-blowing thing was that the lady, her husband, and her male friend were ALL seated together at this forum. the speaker really wasn't sure how he could respond. but the thing that i'd found very odd was that all of them were already aware of the mistakes made in the past, and all of them had already talked it out and forgiven each other years ago before coming to this forum. so why was it still necessary to come and seek out a solution for themselves when it's already been resolved? what was it that made her feel like she needed to confess this in front of everyone or she'd otherwise have left with a boulder on her heart?

Last night, during the bible study lecture, the lesson was from 1 John, and the lecturer was talking about Jesus as our source of redemption. In 1 John 2:1-2, the apostle wrote that if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the world. and in 1 John 1:7 he wrote about the blood of Jesus that purifies us from all sin. When the lecturer was talking about this, that particular incident from the forum suddenly returned to my mind. and it finally hit me why they'd still felt the need to confess their wrongdoing before the audience and the speaker despite of the forgiveness they'd already received from each other and their loved ones.

it was their unquenchable and desperate yearning for atonement. and it was clear that even their remarkable forgiveness for each other was simply insufficient, such that they reached out in hope that the acceptance of the audience and speaker would satisfy that need. i finally understood, sadly, that they could never have been released from their guilt that night at the forum. because they were obviously looking for a source who could lift that guilt away for them; a source whose acceptance of their confession would truly equate to an eternal forgiveness and redemption so that they may not be held hostage to the mistakes of their past any longer. but honestly... if even the total forgiveness of her husband is not sufficient for her, who else in this entire world can be capable of doing that for her? the source of true redemption can only come from one who is qualified to offer it... who has the power such that when he says yes, it's an eternal yes. and when he says no, it's an eternal no. the Creator God of you and i has given us Jesus to do that for us. and it's real. when Jesus says you're forgiven, you are forgiven.

miss days like this...

this is by far the best and most restful day spent this holiday, just reading the quiet afternoon away after one of the best lunches my mom's ever prepared. it's such a quiet sunday, actually quiet enough to hear the birds chirp... it's rare in my neighbourhood. and my favourite late afternoon smell is back!! i still can't find a way to describe that aroma. perfect and lovely day! (:

at the Cross-road.

just wanna put in a little note here before leaving home for another long while...


JESUS IS THE SWEETEST SHEPHERD!


another chapter of life has truly opened. kinda feels like the freshness of morning rays beaming through. it is a beginning that is already far beyond anything i'd ever imagined. i'd never known God to be this real.. to hear His heart like that. for years, it used to scare me, that i could well be a deluded mind dreaming up and believing all these God-things that only other people talk about. but God graciously answered as i stubbornly struggled and searched and ran after the truth - i just wanted to know that one and only story that truth permits - whichever or whatever it is. more than that, i want to know it with a certainty that anchors the core of my heart and soul.

Jesus is really that one and only answer.


thank you for finding me.. :)

faith is...

another snippet from something that shu shared...

faith is not faith in our faith in Jesus, it's faith in Jesus' word.

paying the small prices

a little snippet from Ravi Zacharias' book that has been replaying often in my mind in the past month, popping out so very often as a stark reminder whenever i'm faced with decisions.

"You must keep in mind that God does have an appointment with you, that there is a cost to serving him. At the same time, you have to be wise and not careless. To deny that reality that there are some places where you cannot go is to play the fool. More importantly, if you have not learned to pay the smaller prices of following Christ in your daily life, you will not be prepared to pay the ultimate price in God's calling."

surrendering

i'm really grateful (and still feeling that unbelievable feeling) that God really bothers answering my prayers so preciously, and in such intimate ways. i'm super thankful for the time that God gave during last night's cell. i still do not know if it was really an effective and fruitful time and whether it truly benefited the hearts that were there but i just trust that God did His work.

When shu suggested shifting the direction of the study that i'd initially planned so that we'd be more congruent with the church, i knew that it was the right thing to do. but it was only during the session that i really understood why and i kinda had a glimpse of God's reasons behind it, and how beneficial it was to the church and works that we focused on that particular topic. (:

last night, God also pushed me into another step in faith. i still feel that burning inadequacy in leading cell studies and being a facilitator. most of the stress comes from the knowledge that 99% of the time, nothing goes according to plan, and that unpredictability scares me. my struggle comes from wanting that control and ownership of knowing where we're going to go, and it doesn't help that i don't really know how to ask the right questions. and then pile that all onto human pride, the fear of fruitlessness, etc. that was quite a weight on my mind.

yet, for the first time last night, i had that immense desire for God to come and use the time mightily, and not waste that opportunity with all of us gathered together. during my prayer and the short time of worship before cell began, I asked God to make His voice louder than my own, to speak to me and tell me what He wanted. He began by reassuring me in my surrender to Him.. to just let it go and He'll do everything such that it'd be the way He wants it to be. to the very last point i was still struggling with relinquishing that control, and then He asked me with a voice that was so tender in my heart... do you trust me? i almost got a shock. my whole heart just screamed YESSSS!!!! haha most of that was from the joy and relief of hearing from Him so intimately.
honestly, there's still a looooong looong way in learning to surrender when doing God's work. but that was a nice start (: and i'm also very thankful that shu and jo and daniel were there to raise such good questions and pointers that were quite full of wisdom (:

sleeping woes

tian...
desperately needs good sleep.

something is wrong!! ever since coming home to my own bed, i've been dreaming way too much at night that i wake up every morning even more tired than when i went to bed. and then i feel like i just wanna knock out the whole day. last night i dreamt that i was playing in a hockey tournament. TOURNAMENT okay! i don't want to remember how many matches there were. but i can remember flicking the black puck (i don't know how come it was a puck and not a ball) around and struggling with my hockey stick and feeling so stressed cos all the good players in my team were slacking and we kept losing! sigh... i have many hypotheses to this lack of good sleep. but whatever the case, i really really really need a good night's rest :(
please pray for me...

Psalm 33

i love this psalm so much..

Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
Praise the Lord with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
For the word of the Lord is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

By the word of the Lord were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the Lord;
let all the people of the world revere him.
For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
From the heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth-
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,
even as we put our hope in you.