I've a big thanksgiving - i'm healed! finally finally =) my skin is just scarred now which means that all the infected spots have dried up! 110% dry wahhaha. I'm so grateful. it's really within the two weeks, and it's really before november. I hadn't dared to give God a dateline i mean who can? it is always up to Him, and it'll be as if i was testing him. but i asked in the most respectful way i could hahahah and it wasnt so bad anyway. and He's answered. TGBG. i'm happy! and relieved. these days, i have been feeling so much lighter. lol it's really different. i can plunge into my bed with no inhibition and roll around without thinking of anything else. when i shower i can rub and scrub my legs up and down all i like! it's a milestone hahahh.
On a heavier note, one of my dad's best friends passed away this morning. He's been suffering from ALS for a couple of years. it's the same illness that the professor in Tuesdays With Morrie had. the doctor gave him 2 years and true enough, He's passed within the two years. my father's very sad and I think he's yet to come to terms with it. a lot of things has changed and happened within the last 2 years for himself, his family, and many others. both the good and the bad, just as in everything else. lots of things that people have come to learn and understand, lots of other things that are left uncomprehended.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
BAD bad skin
currently feeling very exhausted.
this week was just very stressful and hell-like...
the worst part was that.. the condition of my wounds deteriorated AGAIN. this time, they reopened and grew bigger. and i now suspect that the enormous acnes that started to appear again could be an allergic reaction to antibiotics, or a combination of a food with the antibiotics. i was on the edge of a major break down. it's how insane!!! how long is this going to drag... heal, open, heal, open, heal, open NEVER ENDING! i want to go back to play touch rugby again. SOON!
my physical condition is a mirror reflection of my spiritual health. the condition of my skin is like my spiritual journey, up and down and up and down like the waves. not very healthy. I tend to think that this is the way God makes sure i stay close to him. When i'm not, he uses my legs to pull me back again. because whenever my skin condition goes down, i have to pray fervently and in the process i'm drawn closer. it could be His way of telling me firmly that my recovery is going to be nothing else but His doing. This is sure learning the hard way. but i guess learining the hard way = remembering better.
At first, it seemed natural enough to look at the brighter side of things. y'know the way i usually am. God was encouraging in my daily walk and i began learning so many things and i grew a little stronger. He used this to open my eyes and mind as i learnt about other forms of handicaps, and i began to identify differently with what i see and read about them from before. He showed me what was truly worth admiring and the depth of the human capacity that He had enabled.
And as time dragged, it got tougher and more trying as it got worse and unpredictable. There were times I'd just wanted to scream even though i knew how stupid it would look if another girl with an amputated limp was sitting beside me. there is so much to be thankful about, but i can't deny that the acute frustration. and it makes me feel very human. u know, admitting the anger makes me feel real. sometimes, i just force away the unhappiness instead to keep myself thinking positively.
And, as He always does provide, i think i've met the doctor who will really save my legs. haha. He's good and the cream and ointment he prescribed me is VERY effective. way better than any of the other million things i've tried on my skin. the doc gave me 2 weeks. 2 weeks! i'd be OVERJOYED if all these were over in two weeks! and I told God that PLEASEPLEASE last time! just let it go away. today, Wendy told me that her pastor had gone to China and got bitten by sandflies like me.. and after a year, it was still there. =S A YEAR??! oh my... i couldn't imagine. maybe it's become an integrated lifestyle. she must have that tolerence.
anyway, i'll always have hope in my heart.
this week was just very stressful and hell-like...
the worst part was that.. the condition of my wounds deteriorated AGAIN. this time, they reopened and grew bigger. and i now suspect that the enormous acnes that started to appear again could be an allergic reaction to antibiotics, or a combination of a food with the antibiotics. i was on the edge of a major break down. it's how insane!!! how long is this going to drag... heal, open, heal, open, heal, open NEVER ENDING! i want to go back to play touch rugby again. SOON!
my physical condition is a mirror reflection of my spiritual health. the condition of my skin is like my spiritual journey, up and down and up and down like the waves. not very healthy. I tend to think that this is the way God makes sure i stay close to him. When i'm not, he uses my legs to pull me back again. because whenever my skin condition goes down, i have to pray fervently and in the process i'm drawn closer. it could be His way of telling me firmly that my recovery is going to be nothing else but His doing. This is sure learning the hard way. but i guess learining the hard way = remembering better.
At first, it seemed natural enough to look at the brighter side of things. y'know the way i usually am. God was encouraging in my daily walk and i began learning so many things and i grew a little stronger. He used this to open my eyes and mind as i learnt about other forms of handicaps, and i began to identify differently with what i see and read about them from before. He showed me what was truly worth admiring and the depth of the human capacity that He had enabled.
And as time dragged, it got tougher and more trying as it got worse and unpredictable. There were times I'd just wanted to scream even though i knew how stupid it would look if another girl with an amputated limp was sitting beside me. there is so much to be thankful about, but i can't deny that the acute frustration. and it makes me feel very human. u know, admitting the anger makes me feel real. sometimes, i just force away the unhappiness instead to keep myself thinking positively.
And, as He always does provide, i think i've met the doctor who will really save my legs. haha. He's good and the cream and ointment he prescribed me is VERY effective. way better than any of the other million things i've tried on my skin. the doc gave me 2 weeks. 2 weeks! i'd be OVERJOYED if all these were over in two weeks! and I told God that PLEASEPLEASE last time! just let it go away. today, Wendy told me that her pastor had gone to China and got bitten by sandflies like me.. and after a year, it was still there. =S A YEAR??! oh my... i couldn't imagine. maybe it's become an integrated lifestyle. she must have that tolerence.
anyway, i'll always have hope in my heart.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
going vegeterian?
In our nature and society lecture today, our lecturer showed us this documentary about animal slaughter. it was so, so, so gut wrecking and gross beyond the point of inhumane. ugh. I swear I've never sat through any video or show feeling like tt before. i couldn't bear to look on because it was so disgusting i wanted to break down. i think many ppl in the class felt the same way too but at the same time i just had to continue watching because it was too shocking. all the horror behind the opaque walls of slaughter houses. they went through nearly every type of meat u can think of. YUCKS. how will i ever eat meat again while being reminded of those images?
anyway, i can't really figure it out. it's hard to be empathetic and opinionated at the same time. I mean, all of us humans need to eat food right, and we're on top of the food chain and there are so so so so many of us to feed. so does tt mean we NEED this kind of mass production? and if the answer is yes, then how can we make it less cruel while still meeting our needs? are we overproducing? i think the problem here is that people don't really bother, but we can't blame them either. what i mean is, no matter how you look at it, there is hardly anyway to make mass slaughtering of animals for food production any less nazi-looking because that is what it really is. and it is expected that any company would want to maximize profits right? so in that sense increasing the efficiency of the slaughterhouse isn't going to make them any less cruel. it's still massacre. and what about the people working at the slaughter houses? what goes through their mind when they do their job everyday? do they inwardly apologize to the animals? silently utter a prayer for each animal that lost their live? i don't think so and we can't really expect them to do so. it's such menial tedious labour that it's just become a process. I don't know la i'm very confused myself i can't come up with my own conclusion about what i think about all these. As in, we know it is wrong, but to what extent can we fault these people?
there's this part in the notes tt quotes Proverbs 12:10 - A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast. so....? i think God gave us these for food, but at the same time we have to take the lives of the animals into consideration, because they can feel pain and happiness even though they can't think and rationalize like us. where and how do we strike the balance?
argh ethics are tough.
anyway, i can't really figure it out. it's hard to be empathetic and opinionated at the same time. I mean, all of us humans need to eat food right, and we're on top of the food chain and there are so so so so many of us to feed. so does tt mean we NEED this kind of mass production? and if the answer is yes, then how can we make it less cruel while still meeting our needs? are we overproducing? i think the problem here is that people don't really bother, but we can't blame them either. what i mean is, no matter how you look at it, there is hardly anyway to make mass slaughtering of animals for food production any less nazi-looking because that is what it really is. and it is expected that any company would want to maximize profits right? so in that sense increasing the efficiency of the slaughterhouse isn't going to make them any less cruel. it's still massacre. and what about the people working at the slaughter houses? what goes through their mind when they do their job everyday? do they inwardly apologize to the animals? silently utter a prayer for each animal that lost their live? i don't think so and we can't really expect them to do so. it's such menial tedious labour that it's just become a process. I don't know la i'm very confused myself i can't come up with my own conclusion about what i think about all these. As in, we know it is wrong, but to what extent can we fault these people?
there's this part in the notes tt quotes Proverbs 12:10 - A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast. so....? i think God gave us these for food, but at the same time we have to take the lives of the animals into consideration, because they can feel pain and happiness even though they can't think and rationalize like us. where and how do we strike the balance?
argh ethics are tough.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Goodness of television
been watching lotsa tv this weekend! i love it. heh. my childhood deprivation. nwo i dont have to ask permission when i want to watch the tv. anw, last night i stayed up super late to catch the re-run of Homeless to Harvard on hallmark. hallmark has GREAT inspiring shows i must say. it's my family's favourite. I don't say inspiring for nothing. the show was about a girl who fought her way to Harvard through sheer determination to break out of her poverty.
she's exactly one of the "Superkids" that prof quah talked about in her last lecture. nature and nurture both went wrong for them (ie. family genes and environment are bad), yet they are able to succeed outstandingly as grownups or even as a child. till today, social scientists can't really pin it down how it happens. i think all these researchers try too hard to put a pattern or category to everything. but in reality, everybody has their own individual unique choices that do not happen in the same way to another human being.
to the homeless girl, Liz, she was thankful that her security blanket (like her mom who was her source of love or a roof over her head) was ripped away from her so that she wouldn't have had the choice of going easy on herself and falling back on her security blanket in wallow in her helplessness.
so, if all of us had our security blankets taken away, how many of us would go into desolation and how many would rise out of it?
so many people... so many people in the world. and i'm just a speck. if i disappeared, nothing much would change, would it? that's what i think to myself too, sometimes. But i know it is not true.
AND this afternoon, it was A Walk To Remember that aired on tvee. sweeeeet really sweet! placing their romance alongside the others i see around me, the one thing that stood out most in them was the giving. Love is giving. that is something so rare to see nowadays. for them, it was always about what the other wanted, hardly about what they wanted for themselves.
this is the part i love most in the movie - when jamie stands by the water and feels the wind on her body. Carter told her he couldn't fathom her strong faith. and she said that it is like the wind... you can't see it, but you can feel it. I've never thought of it like that! it's interesting.
God is the wind, and I am standing on the porch enjoying the breeze. So when somebody sitting inside the room asks me about my faith, he wouldn't really understand it because he can't feel it like I do because he hasn't taken leap of faith to stand outside the room. But what he can see is my wind-swept hair and my skirt dancing in the breeze, and that is me allowing God to do his work through me so that His goodness becomes a little more tangible. THAT is what people can see.
she's exactly one of the "Superkids" that prof quah talked about in her last lecture. nature and nurture both went wrong for them (ie. family genes and environment are bad), yet they are able to succeed outstandingly as grownups or even as a child. till today, social scientists can't really pin it down how it happens. i think all these researchers try too hard to put a pattern or category to everything. but in reality, everybody has their own individual unique choices that do not happen in the same way to another human being.
to the homeless girl, Liz, she was thankful that her security blanket (like her mom who was her source of love or a roof over her head) was ripped away from her so that she wouldn't have had the choice of going easy on herself and falling back on her security blanket in wallow in her helplessness.
so, if all of us had our security blankets taken away, how many of us would go into desolation and how many would rise out of it?
so many people... so many people in the world. and i'm just a speck. if i disappeared, nothing much would change, would it? that's what i think to myself too, sometimes. But i know it is not true.
AND this afternoon, it was A Walk To Remember that aired on tvee. sweeeeet really sweet! placing their romance alongside the others i see around me, the one thing that stood out most in them was the giving. Love is giving. that is something so rare to see nowadays. for them, it was always about what the other wanted, hardly about what they wanted for themselves.
this is the part i love most in the movie - when jamie stands by the water and feels the wind on her body. Carter told her he couldn't fathom her strong faith. and she said that it is like the wind... you can't see it, but you can feel it. I've never thought of it like that! it's interesting.
God is the wind, and I am standing on the porch enjoying the breeze. So when somebody sitting inside the room asks me about my faith, he wouldn't really understand it because he can't feel it like I do because he hasn't taken leap of faith to stand outside the room. But what he can see is my wind-swept hair and my skirt dancing in the breeze, and that is me allowing God to do his work through me so that His goodness becomes a little more tangible. THAT is what people can see.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
ever wondered what changes a person when his heart begins aching for someone?
Humility. heh. I was just watching the korean show revolving gambling All In. some guy in the show said that, and it struck hard. lotsa truth in that.
feels good to be home! I was looking forward to relaxing my mind totally these few days during the midsem break BUT look at how the schedule just piles up. it sucks :( i have so much work and so many things to run around doing. Guess i'll just have to wait for the next 3-month holiday next year.
Humility. heh. I was just watching the korean show revolving gambling All In. some guy in the show said that, and it struck hard. lotsa truth in that.
feels good to be home! I was looking forward to relaxing my mind totally these few days during the midsem break BUT look at how the schedule just piles up. it sucks :( i have so much work and so many things to run around doing. Guess i'll just have to wait for the next 3-month holiday next year.
Friday, September 21, 2007
dance n irrationality
just had the first dance class for our hall's dance production. the contemporary one was highly enjoyable! I like the egyptian music and the steps are pretty simple and followable. plus it was quite funny haha, think we all had a fun time. the hiphop class that followed was just insane. it was SO fast and SO difficult i don't even know how to do a ripple and it was rippling everywhere! i wish we had more time to learn tt one i couldn't even enjoy anything while trying to even vaguely remember the steps. anyhow, it was good! the air-con in the dance studio beats anything in this crazy sweltering heat.
it's a very natural thing to be more reactive towards people who mean something to us. as in, we tend to flare more easily because we get more sensitive and think less before we say harsh words or think harsh thoughts. it probably is wrong, may be weird, but it's natural. it's a sign that the relationship means more than the usual. I know it's true, but whatever, I don't like behaving irrationally yet sometimes I just do and I dislike it that way. It's so childish! if you think irrational thoughts, it's not that bad as long as you don't act in that manner because it shows that you still have a grasp on reality and of what makes sense, and you probably won't end up hurting anybody else or making things unnecessarily complicated. you know what i mean? but at the end of the day, everything still stems from the heart so.. o'well...
it's a very natural thing to be more reactive towards people who mean something to us. as in, we tend to flare more easily because we get more sensitive and think less before we say harsh words or think harsh thoughts. it probably is wrong, may be weird, but it's natural. it's a sign that the relationship means more than the usual. I know it's true, but whatever, I don't like behaving irrationally yet sometimes I just do and I dislike it that way. It's so childish! if you think irrational thoughts, it's not that bad as long as you don't act in that manner because it shows that you still have a grasp on reality and of what makes sense, and you probably won't end up hurting anybody else or making things unnecessarily complicated. you know what i mean? but at the end of the day, everything still stems from the heart so.. o'well...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
case of the whizzy fan
my favourite tell-tale sign in the world - the embracing smell of impending rain! it's right outside my room :)
something happened today that made me really happy. it's a small day-to-day living thing but it is still heartening. this afternoon, i came back to hall to find my fan making annoyingly loud whizzing-buzzing noises. and I was thinking ARGH. I have to prepare for a test in the evening and it'll be such a hassle to get the hall office to mend the fan or replace it and there will be dust everywhere and there will be lots of cleaning up to do. and also, there are hamsters in my room which cannot be seen by the hall office people or i'll be slapped with a fine. worse still, the whole room was reeking of hamster pee! i tried to prod a bit with the fan but i was running late for class so i had no choice but to go.
During family lecture, I had no idea why but I just felt the urge to pray about the stupid fan in my room! so I prayed and asked God to take away the noise in the fan, bind it in His name and throw it out of my room! anw i came back from lecture and it was still buzzing when i turn it up at higher speed. nvm.. i headed out for tuition, and when i came back, presto! the fan was perfectly fine! I precariously turned it to maximum speed and it's still silent! I felt so relieved I could study in my room and I wouldn't have to bother about contacting the office and everything. =D it's just a small thing, but it means much to me that a prayer was answered so explicitly.
something happened today that made me really happy. it's a small day-to-day living thing but it is still heartening. this afternoon, i came back to hall to find my fan making annoyingly loud whizzing-buzzing noises. and I was thinking ARGH. I have to prepare for a test in the evening and it'll be such a hassle to get the hall office to mend the fan or replace it and there will be dust everywhere and there will be lots of cleaning up to do. and also, there are hamsters in my room which cannot be seen by the hall office people or i'll be slapped with a fine. worse still, the whole room was reeking of hamster pee! i tried to prod a bit with the fan but i was running late for class so i had no choice but to go.
During family lecture, I had no idea why but I just felt the urge to pray about the stupid fan in my room! so I prayed and asked God to take away the noise in the fan, bind it in His name and throw it out of my room! anw i came back from lecture and it was still buzzing when i turn it up at higher speed. nvm.. i headed out for tuition, and when i came back, presto! the fan was perfectly fine! I precariously turned it to maximum speed and it's still silent! I felt so relieved I could study in my room and I wouldn't have to bother about contacting the office and everything. =D it's just a small thing, but it means much to me that a prayer was answered so explicitly.
Friday, September 14, 2007
stormy-weathered friends
real friends are there for you through your thick and thin right? they dont run away when you're going through a difficult period or when u're in a sticky situation. they'll stand by you no matter what other people say.. they'll be there in your sorrow. but what about the joy? i think it's sad to know that you're only thought about when your friend needs you because he or she is feeling helpless or down. although it's a good thing to be always there for your friend and that he knows that he can count on you, it hurts to think that you're not needed otherwise. I feel like a pillow. I think a friendship is only real when we share both our joy and pain. How can friendships be there by default and made use of only when u need them? It really gets me down sometimes and I feel so disappointed. It hurts all the more because it didn't use to be like that.
I was thinking too, that this is the way I treat my GOd sometimes. Now i know how sad He must be when I do this. like i make the extra effort only when i'm in the dumps and in a desperate situation, or when i'm feeling helpless and hurt blahblah. but when life is smooth and normal, I forget that he's still working to sustain our relationship and it must be a terrible feeling to be only wanted when needed.
I was thinking too, that this is the way I treat my GOd sometimes. Now i know how sad He must be when I do this. like i make the extra effort only when i'm in the dumps and in a desperate situation, or when i'm feeling helpless and hurt blahblah. but when life is smooth and normal, I forget that he's still working to sustain our relationship and it must be a terrible feeling to be only wanted when needed.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
PTL 07
the baptist youth convention did a concert this afternoon and it was so enjoyable! I'm so glad that I'd decided to forgo the landmark forum for this because it was an experience I wouldn't have wanted to miss. Admittedly, the rehearsal last week left us pretty worried but we dont trust God for nothing! lol. I was quite amazed at how good it was this afternoon. I especially loved the mime. I saw what it means when God gives talent and we allow it to be put to use to do His work. and for myself, I had fun on stage and i was unexplainably excited haha! just really thankful that I got to go this afternoon and God had graciously opened another landmark forum class in december so i wouldn't have to wait till next year to get it over with, saving me from having to miss classes too!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
sweeeet
The sweet smell of the afternoon!! I love it so much! I can smell it right now. till today, I haven't found anybody who can identify this smell the way I do. maybe it is unique to me. It makes me feel safe and cosy. I think it is because I used to smell this sweet air every afternoon, accompanied by the chirping birds, when I was a child..That is why I identify this way with this aroma.
anyway, last night's interview was more of a nightmare than fun. SO MANY PEOPLE! 3 hrs! It was draining..I wanted to plop my head on the table and do the interviews. Jo's good.. he just went on and on and on in the middle of us. There are people who really wanted to do this badly but couldn't get a spot in the team and I feel so disappointed for them! I wish we didnt have to consider so many things. If it were possible, I'd take in everybody who wants it enough.
I'm gonna go watch Hairspray tonight! I'm excited =) I wanna go away from school for awhile, and I can finally see nips!
anyway, last night's interview was more of a nightmare than fun. SO MANY PEOPLE! 3 hrs! It was draining..I wanted to plop my head on the table and do the interviews. Jo's good.. he just went on and on and on in the middle of us. There are people who really wanted to do this badly but couldn't get a spot in the team and I feel so disappointed for them! I wish we didnt have to consider so many things. If it were possible, I'd take in everybody who wants it enough.
I'm gonna go watch Hairspray tonight! I'm excited =) I wanna go away from school for awhile, and I can finally see nips!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)