last night, i dreamt that somebody gave me my very own pair of sleek, black rollerblades. (:
but i can't remember who it was!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
forgiving is for giving.
i ever asked myself this question. what does forgiveness truly mean? or are there simply many different levels of forgiveness? sometimes, we just stop being angry at the people who hurt us and we don't hate them anymore. is that it? or does it mean that we trust them not to ever hurt us ever again, and we allow them into our lives one more time that we may risk being vulnerable. if the latter is the case, then I have not forgiven.
The idealist never wants her dream wrecked and her ideal shattered into imperfection. So she tries her hardest to restore it. But just like in every other thing in our lives, there has to be a balance of both doses, idealism and realism. It is time to start listening to my brain.
strike two. isn't something plainly amiss?
strike three, and you're definitely out.
The idealist never wants her dream wrecked and her ideal shattered into imperfection. So she tries her hardest to restore it. But just like in every other thing in our lives, there has to be a balance of both doses, idealism and realism. It is time to start listening to my brain.
strike two. isn't something plainly amiss?
strike three, and you're definitely out.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
my grey macbk
i just gave my laptop a bath. spanking clean! but it doesn't feel brand new.. :(
sigh.. anws...
finding the peace in your heart... is that the best guide to live by?
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
in my soul....
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
in my soul.
sigh.. anws...
finding the peace in your heart... is that the best guide to live by?
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
in my soul....
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
i've got peace like a river
in my soul.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A story about the Victorian poet/hymn writer William Cowper illustrates how dramatically God’s grace can interact with our despair. Anyone knowing his history would understand why Cowper was given to long periods of depression. On one occasion, convinced he had committed the unpardonable sin, he left his home on a foggy London night and walked toward the Thames River, determined to commit suicide by drowning. As he walked, the fog grew thicker and he lost his way. After several hours of blind wandering, he found himself back at his doorstep. Astonished at God’s intervention, he wrote a poem that later became a beloved hymn:
God moves in a mysterious way His
wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea, and
rides upon the storm.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
but trust Him for His grace;
behind a frowning providence He
hides a smiling face.
Blind unbelief is sure to err and scan
His work in vain;
God is His own Interpreter, and He will
make it plain.
-rbc
Sunday, June 14, 2009
nanny-fied
my family's nanny-fied.
we're nuts over this sitcom 'The Nanny', think most people know it, it was a big hit last time.
haha we just can't get enough of it! really laugh until i wanna faint. and i can't stop watching it. help.
anw it's on hallmark channel can go check it out :)
or youtube provides nearly all the episodes also!
i'm really happy that my parents finally have enough staff for their business. they're home a lot more nowadays! i'm not a latchkey kid anymore.
we're nuts over this sitcom 'The Nanny', think most people know it, it was a big hit last time.
haha we just can't get enough of it! really laugh until i wanna faint. and i can't stop watching it. help.
anw it's on hallmark channel can go check it out :)
or youtube provides nearly all the episodes also!
i'm really happy that my parents finally have enough staff for their business. they're home a lot more nowadays! i'm not a latchkey kid anymore.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
chicken day
These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. —Matthew 15:8
honestly, it sounds like me. I'm sometimes near but sometimes far. hypocrite.
i had the best chicken rice ever in the world today. Kim San Lan in Bishan st 13. please go and eat it. it trumps the maxwell chicken rice, the bishan S11 chicken rice, and (sorry grandma) my grandma's chicken rice, the pek kio chicken rice, the toapayoh lor 8 chicken rice, and all the other nice chicken rices i've ever eaten. i was thinking i shouldn't share it here cos it's going to make the queue a little bit longer haha. but good food must share. it really blew me away i couldnt stop gushing throughout dinner. it's $3.50 and the portion is HUGE (really i know i'm a small eater but it's still huge for a normal eater) and the rice is so freaking tasty and the chicken is crazy (especially its skin!). its taste is still in my mouth :)
i think i am a heat radiator. tonight, rachel and I got a kisses chocolate each while we were studying. when we were in the bus, we compared our chocolates and mine had melted like a depressed snowman and hers was still totally in tact and solid! weirded me out!
and today rach just discovered that she has a direct bus home from her church. after how many years lols.
so fast... it's thursday already. too fast! didn't reading week just start?
and our days are so numbered.. :(
i really wonder how i'm going to make it through. like i can imagine myself doing fine, but I keep seeing a big hole in my heart. you think God will fill it up...?
honestly, it sounds like me. I'm sometimes near but sometimes far. hypocrite.
i had the best chicken rice ever in the world today. Kim San Lan in Bishan st 13. please go and eat it. it trumps the maxwell chicken rice, the bishan S11 chicken rice, and (sorry grandma) my grandma's chicken rice, the pek kio chicken rice, the toapayoh lor 8 chicken rice, and all the other nice chicken rices i've ever eaten. i was thinking i shouldn't share it here cos it's going to make the queue a little bit longer haha. but good food must share. it really blew me away i couldnt stop gushing throughout dinner. it's $3.50 and the portion is HUGE (really i know i'm a small eater but it's still huge for a normal eater) and the rice is so freaking tasty and the chicken is crazy (especially its skin!). its taste is still in my mouth :)
i think i am a heat radiator. tonight, rachel and I got a kisses chocolate each while we were studying. when we were in the bus, we compared our chocolates and mine had melted like a depressed snowman and hers was still totally in tact and solid! weirded me out!
and today rach just discovered that she has a direct bus home from her church. after how many years lols.
so fast... it's thursday already. too fast! didn't reading week just start?
and our days are so numbered.. :(
i really wonder how i'm going to make it through. like i can imagine myself doing fine, but I keep seeing a big hole in my heart. you think God will fill it up...?
fear
i know that i'm supposed to be studying. but.. as though by default, the moment i lift my head up from my reading, my mind begins to wander there. i surprise myself you know. no matter how tired i am of thinking about all these, i just keep going back there against my will.
tonight the fear came back again. i'm like the Israelites in the bible who witnessed many miracles of God and had the amazing ability of forgeting them. i'm like the jews who saw Jesus's miracles and still chose not to believe in him.
but i've never seen any personal miracles big enough to blow my mind ok?
it's like the whole fear of being disillusioned coming back again. who cares about what other people have experienced? i can't base my faith on other people's experiences. what if i had imagined and conjured all my little experiences with God simply because i badly wanted some experiences to assure myself that i wasn't deluded? i know i may sound like i'm going crazy, but i believe these are real fears and that i am not the only one who has ever thought such thoughts.
in my little mind, i think that i'm experiencing this pain now because I chose God. I chose to sacrifice that for a life with God. and it is really so painful that i cannot help but think that this God had better be real. i cannot help but want to be sure that this sacrifice is worth it. like this time, FOR REAL. no more "i think so..." and "i guess so..." and "it has to be, right...? because so-and-so assures me so and because so-and-so had experienced this" and "i cannot be ungrateful".
yeah, i wouldn't say that the words of comfort that has been streaming from the bible and from daily bread are pure coincidences. yet, deep inside, i have to be honest and admit that it is not enough. I'm not asking for God to appear in front of me, but I just want a deep and personal assurance from Him. I know that in the bible it says that if i don't want to believe, even if God performed a miracle before me, i still won't believe. But i really do not think that it is so wrong to ask for God to reveal his realness in a deeper way that would move my heart and my soul to its core. when Jesus died on the cross, i know He feared too and still He did it out of an inexplicable love. but He definitely knew that his Father was 100% real the way he knew his little finger exists. He feared the pain and the fright of death, but he didn't have to feel the fear of his Father being a farce and that he may be dying for nothing. ok maybe if i had been more righteous like Jesus and maintained a better relationship with God, i wouldn't be having these thoughts right now.
is it wrong to ask God for something like that? I just read (from a site) that the reason why some people are too afraid and think it disrespectful to ask God for anything is because they are aware of their shortfall and their misgivings, and do not think themselves worthy of asking things from a big and powerful God. But the truth is, they say, that it stems from not fully comprehending the majesty of God's forgiveness. and that our acceptance of that forgiveness and repentance bridges that gap of shortfall and unworthiness.
if it isn't wrong to ask, then maybe the problem is, when God does reveal it to me, am i going to downplay it and forget like the Israelites did?
anw in frustration, i googled "is there a god?" and i came to this site. I think it is pretty good and the stuff about creation and the order of nature (that could actually blow the minds of big scientists) kinda captured my attention (a lot).
tonight the fear came back again. i'm like the Israelites in the bible who witnessed many miracles of God and had the amazing ability of forgeting them. i'm like the jews who saw Jesus's miracles and still chose not to believe in him.
but i've never seen any personal miracles big enough to blow my mind ok?
it's like the whole fear of being disillusioned coming back again. who cares about what other people have experienced? i can't base my faith on other people's experiences. what if i had imagined and conjured all my little experiences with God simply because i badly wanted some experiences to assure myself that i wasn't deluded? i know i may sound like i'm going crazy, but i believe these are real fears and that i am not the only one who has ever thought such thoughts.
in my little mind, i think that i'm experiencing this pain now because I chose God. I chose to sacrifice that for a life with God. and it is really so painful that i cannot help but think that this God had better be real. i cannot help but want to be sure that this sacrifice is worth it. like this time, FOR REAL. no more "i think so..." and "i guess so..." and "it has to be, right...? because so-and-so assures me so and because so-and-so had experienced this" and "i cannot be ungrateful".
yeah, i wouldn't say that the words of comfort that has been streaming from the bible and from daily bread are pure coincidences. yet, deep inside, i have to be honest and admit that it is not enough. I'm not asking for God to appear in front of me, but I just want a deep and personal assurance from Him. I know that in the bible it says that if i don't want to believe, even if God performed a miracle before me, i still won't believe. But i really do not think that it is so wrong to ask for God to reveal his realness in a deeper way that would move my heart and my soul to its core. when Jesus died on the cross, i know He feared too and still He did it out of an inexplicable love. but He definitely knew that his Father was 100% real the way he knew his little finger exists. He feared the pain and the fright of death, but he didn't have to feel the fear of his Father being a farce and that he may be dying for nothing. ok maybe if i had been more righteous like Jesus and maintained a better relationship with God, i wouldn't be having these thoughts right now.
is it wrong to ask God for something like that? I just read (from a site) that the reason why some people are too afraid and think it disrespectful to ask God for anything is because they are aware of their shortfall and their misgivings, and do not think themselves worthy of asking things from a big and powerful God. But the truth is, they say, that it stems from not fully comprehending the majesty of God's forgiveness. and that our acceptance of that forgiveness and repentance bridges that gap of shortfall and unworthiness.
if it isn't wrong to ask, then maybe the problem is, when God does reveal it to me, am i going to downplay it and forget like the Israelites did?
anw in frustration, i googled "is there a god?" and i came to this site. I think it is pretty good and the stuff about creation and the order of nature (that could actually blow the minds of big scientists) kinda captured my attention (a lot).
Saturday, April 18, 2009
waiting... again.
sigh.. what's the point of all the anger? it's not bringing anybody forward. and i drive myself up my own wall.
so what if who's right or who's wrong? so what if whoever made good or bad decisions? so what if i have the right to be angry? i can't have the whole world the way i think is right. definitely not.. that's very selfish too. we just get through our grime and learn and learn and learn.
i'm reminded of how shu always told me that God does glorious things from the messes we make. not that we chuck them one side and push the responsibility to God, but we learn the hard way from it and also get to see and experience the work of God at the same time.
when i look back at everything, they bring me tears because the memories are good. all that had happened in the past one month can never discount those memories. they are precious and close to my heart.
:)
i've learnt that the questions that i had always been asking were not the important ones.
it is time to wait. all over again.
this time, to wait on the Author of our lives. that was what i'd thought i was doing, but nope. this time, i'm doing it His right way.
hung ever so loosely on my tongue, I've finally FINALLY understood what that means. it's never too late to look at faith in a whole new way.
so what if who's right or who's wrong? so what if whoever made good or bad decisions? so what if i have the right to be angry? i can't have the whole world the way i think is right. definitely not.. that's very selfish too. we just get through our grime and learn and learn and learn.
i'm reminded of how shu always told me that God does glorious things from the messes we make. not that we chuck them one side and push the responsibility to God, but we learn the hard way from it and also get to see and experience the work of God at the same time.
when i look back at everything, they bring me tears because the memories are good. all that had happened in the past one month can never discount those memories. they are precious and close to my heart.
:)
i've learnt that the questions that i had always been asking were not the important ones.
it is time to wait. all over again.
this time, to wait on the Author of our lives. that was what i'd thought i was doing, but nope. this time, i'm doing it His right way.
hung ever so loosely on my tongue, I've finally FINALLY understood what that means. it's never too late to look at faith in a whole new way.
Friday, April 17, 2009
shit man the anger is eating at me.
i keep telling myself to wake up and stand up for myself. stop being so nice and let them trample all over you. so what if he cares? he's still hurting you because of his subsequent decisions. i think he doesn't see the pain. because it's not his pain. to him, it's just his guilt. so once i forgive, it's done it's gone. and so he carries on his little friendship.
i think one day my brains will shoot up the roof.
God tells me to lay down my rights. but to what extent? to the extent of becoming blindly stupid? the way things this soap opera is unfolding is disturbing. After all that has happened, how does he have the capacity to rationalize like that? how does he have the capacity to lend her so many excuses? !!???!?!??! I have only one plausible reason: he doesn't know the pain.
God gave discernment as a gift of wisdom for a purpose. The facts are all before your eyes. Nothing much can discount actions. wake up dude!!!!!!!! not everybody is an angel. weren't you always the all-logical guy? If that counts as friendship worth treasuring to you, please don't insult other people's friendship with you.
at some point of time, enough will be enough. there's no point forcing myself to be understanding again and again. i'm reaching my limit soon. very soon.
i keep telling myself to wake up and stand up for myself. stop being so nice and let them trample all over you. so what if he cares? he's still hurting you because of his subsequent decisions. i think he doesn't see the pain. because it's not his pain. to him, it's just his guilt. so once i forgive, it's done it's gone. and so he carries on his little friendship.
i think one day my brains will shoot up the roof.
God tells me to lay down my rights. but to what extent? to the extent of becoming blindly stupid? the way things this soap opera is unfolding is disturbing. After all that has happened, how does he have the capacity to rationalize like that? how does he have the capacity to lend her so many excuses? !!???!?!??! I have only one plausible reason: he doesn't know the pain.
God gave discernment as a gift of wisdom for a purpose. The facts are all before your eyes. Nothing much can discount actions. wake up dude!!!!!!!! not everybody is an angel. weren't you always the all-logical guy? If that counts as friendship worth treasuring to you, please don't insult other people's friendship with you.
at some point of time, enough will be enough. there's no point forcing myself to be understanding again and again. i'm reaching my limit soon. very soon.
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