I was reading the daily bread page about the story of Moses striking the rock in Numbers 20. God had commanded Moses to take his staff and before the assembly of grumbling Israelites, speak to the rock before their eyes and it will pour out water. But instead of speaking to the rock, Moses struck the rock twice - the way it had happened in a previous incident - and failed to honour God as holy in the sight of the Israelites. The moral of the story was that in times of exasperation, we have to be careful in listening closely to God's instruction before acting.

I love the feeling of uncovering nuggets in the bible that reveal some pretty interesting aspects of God. The bigger lesson that I took away from this story was a realization that I always assume that God will work based on an extrapolation of my past experiences with Him. It is hard to imagine God when He is, in the first place, beyond our imagination. But I guess the key is never to assume but to pay close attention and have the faith to expect greater and different things from God.

~

Tonight, I just returned from a full evening of church service and fellowship. It has been sometime since I sat down and thought about the purpose of my time spent week in and week out in church. It became so routine that it got easy to go to church just because it is so. Well, today it was kind of different. I felt like I really gave my heart in serving God, in different ways, and God spoke and encouraged in various ways too. Recalling the gazillion sermons I've heard over the years, this is God's very desire for us in gathering to worship Him. Beyond our physical presence, it is that we have an encounter with Him that brings our faith deeper and higher, and be encouraged and refreshed in the Lord.

Pastor spoke from 2 Chron 3-4 today. At first glance, I thought that he would probably skip these chapters because they're just the knitty gritty about the temple's construction - building dimensions, measurements, specifications, the furnishing, yadah yadah. But when he told me that he was going to preach from these 2 chapters, I had no choice but to take a second look. True enough, the bible wastes no words. Much of the specifics are actually very symbolic and significant to encountering God, even today. After all, this temple was the place of worship where the people of Israel had the chance to encounter God. What really resonated in my mind as I sat listening and scribbling... was how Jesus so perfectly plays the role of our Great High Priest, our sacrifice at the altar, and in tearing the curtain that separates the Most Holy Place with His death. I was struck by how God's standards have never ever changed since the Old Testament time till this very second, and even with those very standards He still provided a way for us to commune with Him the way we do today - through Christ. Genius or what?

Anyway, on a different note, Pastor also left us some indicators of spiritual growth, which I thought was some pretty consolidated insight :)

• A greater level of faith
• More passionate in seeking after God
• Less distracted by things of the world/circumstances
• A more sensitive spiritual radar
• Giving all our heart to the Lord in service
• Going beyond our minds in calculating and analyzing using the human intellect

And the end result is that we will be blessed, as proven by the history of Judah.

(sigh.. you know MOE has gotten into your head when you start trying to form acronyms..!!)

...like the dew drop on the leaf, they are together yet separate.
- Lagaan (a Hindi movie, 2001)

I was reliving the India days with the movie haha. It is by far the best Hindi movie I've watched, recommended to me by Jingyun :) Set in a village of the 1890s, it is a story of Indian patriotism, passion, and cricket. three cheers for anti-colonialism! The quote was taken from the lyrics of one of the movie's (sort-of) love songs. I just liked the analogy a lot haha.

What I really long to do is to re-read Shantaram! But each time the thought comes to mind, I'll always postpone it. The longer the interval between my first read and the next, the better the second read will be!

~

On another topic, this whole series of study on Isaiah and the whole general election fever in Singapore has led to a lot of thinking about my country. A conversation with Kevin a few days ago brought my perspective back to God's sovereignty over our nation.

For many weeks, we have been studying about Isaiah and his prophecies of God bringing His destruction over proud nations who defile His name, and even His chosen nation had turned away from Him. Two nights ago, I really wondered what God thought of our country. I mean.. when I look at my own generation and the next, I cannot help but worry. I don't mean to sound self righteous.. because I'm a part of it. But there are some things that are obviously wrong. Yet, the postmodernist current is extremely strong among the young people. We are so, so eager to embrace every value that sounds good or seems right that it has become difficult to stand up for what I know is right/wrong without getting attacked from all corners. Today, almost everyone operates on a grey scale. But more often than we think, reality is full of blacks and whites.

The morning after GE results were released, my grandpa called from Kedah and spoke to my family. He told us how all the coffee shops in his town was rife with talk about our elections. They have been following the whole process, well aware of all the hot button national issues. Not to demean the plight of people struggling in Singapore, but the Malaysian Chinese are just shaking their heads at us. "Bu zhi zu", they said, which means "never knowing contentment". The level of angst against the government, all the finger pointing at the ministers, all the complains hurled and resentment stirred among the people towards our government. "Over here," he said, "we are like third class citizens and we work hard against all the odds. And over there, you all are first class citizens with a silver spoon to your mouth and you complain like the sky fell over. And you want to punish your government for not giving you an easy life."

The following Monday morning, I walked into class only to hear the same sentiments from my tutor. She is a Singaporean by the way. "Shame on us! Look how pampered we are. All the foreigners are just shaking their heads at us... 7 mins wait time at the MRT station and the opposition also dare to bring it up...yadah yadah yadah."

Well, I couldn't disagree with them. Putting aside all the other arguments about alternative voices and whatnot, it is true that we are becoming a people who believe that we have the right not to struggle much in life. It is especially so among the younger generations. I think that way by default too, until something wakes me up to the truth. I'm afraid that 20 years down the road, we are going to pay a painful, painful price.

Anyway, I've decided to read the WP's manifesto carefully. I really want to know what their agenda is, and exactly what kind of alternative voice our people are bringing into parliament. 5 years later, their number may just multiply. For good or for worse? I want to get a good feel of it.
So far, I'm really happy to read that they are advocating for the mandatory death sentence to be abolished. YES! that is one of the most frightening laws... I'm very sure there have been innocent lives lost. more thoughts on this another time!

The God who watches...

This is what the Lord says to me: "I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place, like shimmering heat in the sunshine, like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest." - Is 18:4

When I first read this verse while doing the bible study homework, it resonated strongly. In times like ours..where the world is one big insane mess. full of fighting and disasters and death and innocent suffering, and even worse.. full of derogatory culture. and everybody wonders where God is? Well...there He is. Looking on from His dwelling place. Sounds like one cold and cruel God? No. It was a knowledge of assurance that swept over me. His eyes are never turned away..He may choose to be quiet and we think He isn't there, but He is always watching. The rich and powerful, the oppressive and God-less of our world may think they have it all..but no...

For, before the harvest, when the blossom is gone and the flower becomes a ripening grape, he will cut off the shoots with pruning knives, and cut down and take away the spreading branches. They will all be left to the mountain birds of prey and to the wild animals; the birds will feed on them all summer, the wild animals all winter.
- Is 18:5-6

There was something else that stood out in another chapter (22) about the prophecy of Jerusalem. There was trouble and the Lord called for them to turn to Him for help. Instead, they were eating meat and drinking wine, saying "Let us eat and drink for tomorrow we die!", and the Lord said in response, "Till your dying day this sin will not be atoned for."

Doesn't that "Let us eat and drink for tomorrow we die!" sound familiar? I hear that all the time today, just packaged differently. Everybody knows that life in this world is chaotic and fleeting. It is full of trouble and suffering..everybody suffers in their own way. Among the people of my generation, the popular response is this: LIVE FOR THE MOMENT. who cares? life is short and so fleeting.. you may not get to see tomorrow so you better do whatever you want to right now.
sigh.. that is the worst and most dangerous response to the fear of life's uncertainty and the fear of death. People don't believe that they can find an answer that takes us to the very heart of these fears, conquers them, and makes sense of our world's and life's reality. All we have to do is to turn to the very Maker of this life on earth.

Barely the beginning

When I think about the weight of the time my students spend in my classroom, it frightens me.
Being responsible for their education and, for most of them, their lives is no child's play at all.
I'm not just being humble by saying that I feel utterly incompetent to do that. I truly wonder if I ever will be. If there's anything these months of training have taught me, it is that there is so much to learn. Being a good teacher is really a gift that very few have. And I'm so afraid that I'll unintentionally ruin somebody's life and leave him or her to spend the next number of years getting it back. It happened to me in primary school, and on hindsight I don't believe my teacher ever intentionally meant to do that. but it happened and I am just fortunate that God never left me alone.

I just stumbled across some link and ended up rewatching Freedom Writers. This show always makes me reminisce about my secondary four days in my english teacher's class. She is the most amazing woman I've ever known. I am absolutely sure that she'd prayed for me as my teacher, because I remember the comments she'd written on my essays. God had heard her and answered her prayers. I'd always known that if I ever become one, I'd be the kind of teacher she was to us.
Looking at Erin Gruwell and my own English teacher encourages me a lot but at the same time they make me wonder if I'd ever be fit to be one.

Anyhow, a thought just crossed my mind. I found out recently that she is teaching at our sports school, and my current edpsych tutor's son is in the school. I haven't been able to find her email contact. Perhaps, I could ask for my tutor's help. It'd be so wonderful if I could meet her again :) I wonder if she's still the same person.

Winding down...

ahh... finally some time to unwind from a month full of busyness and..strangeness.

The past few weeks have been weird and unsettling, to say the least. The circumstances I found myself in wouldn't have been that strange if they'd occurred separately, but they all happened as a series of things that just came one after another. Put together, they felt quite bizarre and displaced me out of my comfort zone, pushing me to cope while trying to make sense of them. If I could make some sense and have some answers, it'd probably have helped.. but I don't have them. I'm actually feeling tired from all these unusual situations. and not to mention extremely distracted from my school work.

Besides its strangeness, I had a particularly humbling week. I was losing the attitude of learning and daring to fall and try again to an attitude pride and self-glorification. kinda saddened by how I have changed over the recent years. what had happened to the teachable heart that wasn't afraid of making mistakes? Nevertheless, I'm thankful for this wake up call. This is what happens when my face is not kept heavenward.

It hit me in the shower just now that maybe these few weeks have been a season of testing. I feel stretched because in every situation, one after another, I had to make the decision whether I was going to translate my faith into action. Seriously, nothing was easy. Yet, the truth of what was written in James 2 about true faith being demonstrated through our deeds came home to me. Faith isn't true until it has been put under trial and testing and emerges stronger than before. It was so much easier to know it in my heart that I believe in Jesus, and that I have the heart to love His people and to serve them. But these few weeks, I found out for myself just how much of it was true and how much I fell short of God's standard. How much do I really believe in Jesus and how far am I willing to go for His people? The thing that really troubles me is that through all of this, I'm just struggling and struggling. Where is God in this, what is He trying to do, why is He doing all these and where is the heavenly joy and peace I once recognized?

I'd also like to write about something I deeply regret. During the first week of bible study a few weeks back, one of the discussion questions asked: "Do you recall a time when you thought you were glorifying God but in actual fact, you weren't?" During the sharing, a lawyer from my group shared about how she used to argue and engage in debates about God with non-believers, thinking that she was helping to win the case for Jesus. But she later learnt that hey... God isn't interested in winning an argument as much as He loves the person who is arguing against Him.
This stayed with me every single day till tonight. I think about it often and each time I think about it, I regret making that mistake more and more. I used to boil each time someone criticized God and the truth about Jesus, ridiculing Christians. I just had to give a piece of my mind. Some friends weren't that extreme...they were happy to engage in a dialogue. And I remember thinking that I just have to win this by having the last say and by disproving their arguments. When I look back now, it's so foolish. Not that it isn't good to have a stand, but all of those came out of a very wrong spirit. It was a very prideful spirit thinking that I could prove God's case. Who am I to do that? and I didn't even have to...God's case is already proven. I completely forgot how God passionately loved the people whom I argued with. On hindsight, if I'd come from a loving spirit at that time, perhaps some things would've been different today.

Anyway, it was quite an incredible night spent at nol's place with my ex classmates and other friends. I miss this lighthearted fun and banter we used to share everyday. I had quite the encounter tonight spending the last hour of my week with a blind man. At first, I couldn't understand why he went on and on and on and kept repeating the same questions over and over again. Then I thought.. if I couldn't see a thing and I was completely shut off from things that are changing constantly before me, how terribly insecure I'd feel. What amazed me most was how he knew a gazillion bus routes using kinesthetic memory; using his sense of movement to trace each turn and stop and remembering them by heart. I thought to myself, "How heightened and disciplined his senses are!"

God was illustrating something. Just like the blind man, sometimes, I can't see what is before me when everything seems beyond my comprehension. It scares me, and I feel terribly insecure. This is when it is so important to be able to trace God's voice by heart and navigate using that heightened and disciplined sense of where God is moving. Writing this now, I recall the cloudy vision that pastor saw, where I wouldn't be able to see clearly. But my ears were sharp to hear from God. gosh!! perhaps it's really coming to pass... hmm.... but somehow sharpness feels a little blunt these days.

owells... time to shut my tired eyes :) no alarm clock tonight! whoo! love this genting weather today. please stay for sometime and let us Singaporeans enjoy it while it lasts!

speaking of which... the crazy 8.9 earthtquake + tsunami + infernos + potential nuclear disaster in Japan is so traumatizing I don't really know where to begin praying for them. :(

I've never felt this useless before.

What did God do before he created the Universe?

I saw this question in my facebook news feed a few weeks ago. and I can never forget one of the answers posted.


"it's like we're stick figures on a piece of paper. before God made the piece of paper maybe he ate a burger. how do you explain that to a stick figure?"


I couldn't help gaping in the sch library. I thought it was a perfect illustration of the unfathomable mind of God.

Have you ever lived so long in the grey area that it grew white?
In fact, how many black-and-white moments do people generally have in their lifetimes anyway?
my inkling is, you could probably count them with a single hand.

2nd chances

I used to give tuition to this little girl whose father owns a small hairdressing shop near my home. She comes from a family that is emotionally and financially broken. Twice a week, she would come over to my place for lessons and then after every lesson, she'd get an hour on my piano. Once in a while, we'd head to the library together. After 5 months, she became too tired from extra lessons in school so we stopped seeing each other.

Well, it was a load off my shoulders because school work was getting so heavy at that time. But if I were to be ruthlessly honest with myself, it was because I wasn't a good enough teacher who didn't put in enough heart and effort, giving up on her tantrums easily, and I just let her slip by me. Although I gave quite a lot of my time, my heart and mind were seldom there. I mean, seriously, which parent wouldn't keep a teacher if he/she was a good one right? And the thing is... from the beginning when I first interacted with her, I knew God had a purpose placing her in my life. I knew that as much as I knew that I didn't really think much about what God was trying to do with the girl. just getting by for the extra income... that was all there was to it.

Sometimes, I would walk as fast as my legs can carry me past her dad's shop when I head to the train station, so that I wouldn't have to chat with her. it's the guilt that makes me do that. and in the past few weeks, I began asking God for a second chance. I didn't know how or what to do because there was no way I could ask to tutor the girl again.

And then tonight, I bumped into the father and daughter at my lift lobby and had a little catching up with her. and out of the blue, she coyly asked if she could come to play my piano again. She misses playing the piano :) but her dad didn't allow her to. I was stunned by her question... God's really fast in answering. So I talked to her dad about it and he actually agreed! I think he was afraid that he'd have to pay for her music lessons or that he didn't want to just blatantly ask if she could use my piano.

I'm feeling really happy that God's given me another chance :)

Purpose Driven Life

I envisioned myself fighting to finish this mega assignment before church on Saturday. But this is Wednesday night, and it's completed. How in the world did it happen? God is amazing! Ask, and it will be a thrill receiving inspiration from Him!

I'm really happy to be doing this again. Writing academic essays. I forgot how excruciating and pleasurable the experience always is. This time, there's even more room to craft and be creative.

Returning to daily life after a week of comatose in Kedah, I found myself thrown into the deep end of the pool. In a flash, all floats are off our arms and we sink or swim. how did the pace pick up so fast so suddenly? Pile on a stack of church and social commitments, the next couple of weeks will be crazy. I've gotten my dose of working on the go, and it's incredible. I must say, this stress - I love it as much as I hate it.