a step from heaven

i've finished reading A Step from Heaven, the book that is nearly parallels Woman Warrior perfectly.. and it's REALLY alike woman warrior! just that it's much much more heartwarming because it's literally written in her own "voice", as in literally tracing her struggle through picking up the english language with her funny broken incomplete sentences. and it focused more on her abusive father and victimized but strong mom than on their difficulty transiting into the american society. but it was seriously a VERY good read. no regrets! hehe actually i read the ENTIRE book on tuesday(the day before my lit paper) hahah i was nuts la reading this book instead of my lit text. hee

here's the part of the book i like best!
During these months, the only act that gives me comfort is rinsing the evenign rice, my daily chore. i add the water to the pot of rice and push the hell of my hand against the rough grains. Push, swirl. Push, swirl. almost instantly a white cloud of starch rises up and turns the water opaque. Murky. The grains disapear. For a moment, it seems like all that stands in the pot is a confusion of dirty water. But if i reach underneath the cloud, feel around, there the are. Tiny seeds waiting to be rinsed and exposed like nuggets of pearls.

of course i dont draw emotional strength and comfort from washing rice the way she does but there's definately something therapeutic about washing rice! tt is why i like to cook rice. and i was so happy and amazed to realize that there is something more to the washing of rice than what it appears. i never thought any further about the rice i wash besides watching the water turn white so magically.

i'm so glad the bulk of the prelims exams is over! what a huge relief, im so glad He was there to drag me through :) i discovered i REALLY enjoy literature so much, especially when i'm studying the books that i like! namely all the ones that mr booth teaches.. i really like them!!! i cant tell you what i like about lit because i like everything about it! writing essays are seriously tiring but i really did enjoy myself even though i have realized some of what i wrote was totally out. im even considering taking literature in Uni though unlikely cos it's not a practical n wise choice. i dont look forward to teaching for the rest of my life. oh yea and lit is so easy to study, meaning it doesnt require as much effort as all the other subj, like GEOG. phoo. hee i was thinkin ya knoe God seperated us all and gave us all different languages and look at us we end up with so many conflicts among ourselves. BUT we were given the gift of so many beautiful languages! can you imagine our loss if we never knew english or chinese or french or korean? haha okay there are many others but those four are my most favourite:)

ya noe everyone's saying that us jc students look so bushed and bummed and tired and full of fatigue, which i really really am. i was on the brink of giving up my restrain from collapsing by friday evening at cell. but thenn riteeee.. when i think about it, i truly dont deserved to be comforted or praised for working so hard so that im so freakin tired. because the reason for my fatigue is because i've been lacking slp the whole week because i've been pushing my brains beyond its limit which was actually the result of me doing extra things that i shouldnt be doing! like reading a whole novel in the middle of prelims. or combing through the newspaper for hours falsely comforting myself that i am gaining knowledge that will give me an edge over others. like wasting A LOT of energy on the piano. which resulted in me burning a whole gallon of midnight oil. SO...hmm... yea

anw im glad the momentum's FINALLY going! my engine's all ready to go full blast!!
God bless everybody with the strength and wisdom to sustain us through the next couple of months :)

oh wow.. the storm out there is really crazy. this is the first time here so high up witnessing such magnificent lightning! it's so brilliant and blinding and the whole sky jus turns pink and purple! and i'm damn scared i may get electricuted any moment mwahah. quite weird it's just lightning and REALLY insane thunder but it's just drizzling outside my window.. hmm.. till today im still unsure how lightning and thunder come about.

lookin out of my window watching the storm, and what else could i have thought about? all cuddly and cosy in my room, a fleeting morbid imagination of myself darting around the buildings but in the end i got struck by the lightning and died. haha so silly. but then again it isn't entirely impossible.. and then came another morbid and vivid imagination of myself running away from a fast looming spin ball but alas, i was cacooned by hurricane katrina.. and then i stopped there cos i dunno what happens after you're swept up. and then another very morbid thought that my mom could've been the one swept away and all i did was stand there helpless. i felt really stupid but now i think it's not cos it really happened. when it's real and it's happening to me i think i'd rather die first because my heart will be torn in uncontrollable anguish and disbelieve watching my loved ones dying like that.

which gets me thinkin about the stampede that killed hundreds in Iraq - all thanks to a rumour of a suicide bomber amongst them. when i read the headlines i literally couldn't close my mouth, and then i started laughing cos it was so ridiculous! it wasnt just ridiculous it was so tragically ridiculous because so many people died and because it was only the natural way that people react to such a situation. really and sadly we're truly animals. as much as i'd like to think myself an altruist, if i were in there i wouldn't have given a shit about any other people's lives save for my parents'. right now i think im really low as a human being. what are we even with the grace of God?

anw i popped by the library earlier and i found this book. i read the blurb and i discovered it almost perfectly parallels my maxine hong lit text (my favourite one of the six)! just that she's korean. i can't wait to dig into it.. gotta wait till the weekends before i can get hooked.

hmm.. the exam mood immediately and almost entirely faded with the lightning and thunder. 'tis feeling good:) cheers!

ok i give up trying to fix the thing jus goin to wait for ju to be free to help me.
my mom jus left yesterday morning for another business trip to china, and this time she'll be gone FIVE WEEKS!! that is super freaking long:( i'm already missing her a lot.. i pray that she'll be safe and sound enjoyin herself over there.

it's starting tmr and right now, i'm really scared. which is very weird since this round of exams is not going to affect my future in ANY way whatsoever. but i'm still so scared!
i cannot believe it'll be almost over in a week! that is REALLY fast.. it's going to be one hell of a driven week.
howhow im really scared.... im goin to be needing a lot of strength from Him.

all the best to everybody and please dont be scared stupid like me, cos it doesnt make any sense to be!

ok i think i know why i'm so afraid. although i worked much harder than before, i know this is still not hard enough. and God punishes the lazy who dont work hard enough and hope that He will save them. i think this applies to me.. ):

help!!

hi there!
here i am tryin to change my template! haha but im really terrible at this.
does anybody know how to shift the picture and the tagboard column upward??

well..meanwhile hang in there! prelims are almost over! in just one and a half week's time..
and i've sworn not to be discouraged by preliminaries and look towards the A levels!
HERE COMES THE BLACK HORSE!!!!!

why did the teddy bear cross the road?

"..his head was as bald as the palm of my hand; but his hair in falling seemed to have stuck to his chin, and had prospered in the new locality, for his beard hung down to his waist...and the passion of his life is pigeon-flying."

!!!!! it's said in such a matter of fact manner it's so hilarious! O_O ahhhahah.. imagine strands of grey hair floating down through the air and getting attached magnet-like to his chin, 'prospering in its new locality'. HAHA!
guess which book that came from?

how do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
how do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

wheeee i just watched sound of music AGAIN yesterday! i think i can memorize the whole show i've watched it a zillion times my entire life. BUT i can never get tired of it.. it's truly a timeless classic that every family should share! and i like every single song in the show.. i can memorize all of them too!! almost at least... hee.
anw to my horror, i did a little looking up and i discovered that the lead actor, christopher Plummer, DESPISES the show! he called it the sound of mucus.......?!!?? who knows why he starred in it then. but then again it shot him to hollywood fame. anw i'm so disillusioned! how can i watch the show again knowing that capt von trapp actually hates what he's doing. i wish i didnt know.

and....im finally getting curtains! THIS time, i got to choose:) it's orange n yellow with pretty flowers as the motif! i bet it's going to look very cheerful! especially in the morning sun which my room gets APLENTY. ( it's my alarm clock every single morning)
and....my father jus went down to ikea to help me get some shelves for my books! it's goin to go under my window sill.. FINALLY! no more books all over the place
blessings blessings!

:)

calvin and hobbes

did ya catch the sunset today?
it was exceptionally exotic

i didnt know calvin and hobbes was THIS funnie!! wah lao it's SUPER FREAKING FUNNY!!! he's UNBELIEVABLE. why didn't i realize it any sooner and deprive myself of such brilliant amusement. salute to watterson!

mm my dinner was very yummy albeit pathetic... and they say it's good to eat your dinner like a pauper. (cos you'll get indigestn if you eat so much n then go to sleep)

stabilo

wah freak this is no good. i am SO stressed i'm goin to explode any moment. no wonder they say this is even worse than exams in uni. wah laooooooooo... thank goodness my fuse isn't shrinking yet. but yea extremely pressured. doenst help that im crawling thru my study plans. i've taken to mak's advice and do a weekly one instead of unrealistic daily ones.. so as ju says, i can at least choing during the weekends. wah if i make it this time, it'll be an immense blessing from above.
and it also doesnt help when i have other worries.. i wish they could jus solve their own problems and such.. at least things are looking up at home. i really have no more energy to go bother about other people's issues but i also cannot help being concerned.

how come this period of preparations differ so vastly from what it was like two years ago? i remember i thoroughly enjoyed those last few months of intense studying. and i think i was in quite a similar state. bleagh how come it's not that enjoyable anymore? wah those days were good.. maybe it's zhaoxin HAHA.

and i had a nice surprise today! my m'sian cousin finally subscribed to msn so now i can chat with her online:) and she even called my mobile! i miss her so much. i didnt go down to m'sia this year for the new year so i haven't seen her in almost two years! and guess what! she's an air stewardess and she said that after my exams i can join her on one of her long flights! wow so exciting can! i'll jus have to cover part of my air ticket and for the rest i can share her accomodation and transport blahblah. =D whoo something to REALLY look forward to. im definately goin down to KL to visit her family so i can join her from there. sounds good? i hope this will come true la.. all my post exams plans always dont come into existence. hehehe ;)

eye of the storm

everything is going wrong, as tho a hurricane jus swept through my home and this time there's no way i can avoid the destruction..

but admist this mess, i know something is going right, i just know it! i know that all i have to do is to follow wherever the steadfast finger points.. freak, i'm even excited about it! weird as it may be. no actually it isn't cos now i really know what this JOY is all about. YES!!!!!!!! hahahahah :D

dear friends, i jus wanna say that time is really everything. be patient and He'll show you.. in His time He will.. trust Him. YES! byeeeee...........

oh man.. one by one we're falling ill.. first it was sher...then jang.. then guess who?.... my throat's incredulously, unbelievably itchy and painful!!!!!!!!! i cant stop coughing!!!!!

hm but then again, this is a good opportunity to start detoxicing my body or however u call that haha. i usually dont drink enough water so this is really forcing gallons of water down my throat and clearing my body of whatever dirt that should be gettin out :) so owelll....! i jus hope the sore throat wont worsen else i cannot enjoy my foooooddd!!!

hee anw i jus went to explore the webbie of yummy fish snack.. you know the colourful fishies.. pfgoldfish.com or something.. hmm mayb you can go there and play the game and tell me if you ever find Finn cos i cant!!!!! i suspect it's impossible.. it's meant for little kids n yet me, 17 year old cant find the ans?!?! perhaps wisdom comes with youth...

a friend from church fwd me his photos from his trip to cambodia doin missionary work i think.. kinda surprised and i dont know if it was sent by mistake but i'm glad he did! there were so many pictures and it literally took me all the way there and amongst them :) i liked the ones on pol pot's genocide. i've read about him before quite a few times in national geographic or was it readers' digest but i've never seen all those stuffs that i saw in the photos, like their torture equipments and techniques... all the skeleton heads on the shelves and their clothes.. the trauma suddenly seemed so real through the pictures. i'd like to go there and take a look for myself.

story of Barabbas

this is from a book that *miche lent me:-

'Let me tell you a story. Have you ever heard of Barabbas?'
'You mean the murderer whow as a fellow prisoner of Jesus?'
'Yes that's the one. it was the Jewish custom to release a prisoner at the time of the Passover. Pilate(the king) asked the Jews whom he should release - Jesus or Barabbas.'
'I remember, and they chose Barabbas.'
'Right! Now just imagine - Barabbas was free an was walking through the streets of Jerusalem on that Good Friday. He saw the crowds of people streaming out ot Golgotha and follwed them. When he arrived there, whom did he see?'
'Jesus on the cross.'
'You learned your lesson well at that village school.'
'I heard the story often, but it never meant anything to me.'
'Now listen, Barabbas recognized his fellow prisoner. Suddenly it dawned on him: If Jesus were not hanging there... Can you finish the sentence, Fatma?'
'Then I would be in His place'
'Yes, Fatma you would. and I would. Both of us would.'
We were both silent and watched the water swirling.
'Continue the story.'
'Imagine what Barabbas might have thought. "It's unjust that He dies. after all, i am the murderer, not He. I have deserved death, not He. all i can do now is to kill myself."'
'He would have been foolish.'
'Exactly, just as foolish as you would be if you jumped down there. [fatma had wanted to commit suicide because she felt she couldn't bear the burdens of all her mistakes] The death you have deserved Jesus has already died. Since His death, every suicicde is too late. It's unnecessary. You are free. Free like Barabbas.'

i've read the story of Barabbas before and i've watched the Gospel of John before n saw how He'd died in Barabbas' place.. but it's never hit me this hard- that even if I tried, i can't die cos He has already died for me. His sacrifice has never been put across any more clearly to me than by this perspective that the author offered.

although this book is about marriage and i am about a decade away from it, God offered many insights that mean something to me at this point of time in my life. Above all, i saw how He would guide us when we allow Him to, to trust Him totally because when He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it. it gave me a little more confidence in my trusting of His timings and purposes. i've been trying very hard to let Him lead me, seek advice and answers from Him but i dont seem to be getting anywhere and im very unsure of what i should do, or rather if what i am doing is what He wants me to be doing.. i dont trust myself enough to trust Him.

hee anw today's sushi buffet was siao! we didnt have the stamina to finish all three hours worth of food. hahahh and it was super comical the way we were competing between tables and planning the best eating strategy to make full use of the 2.5 hrs we had! i'm so glad i got to try lotsa other kinds of sushi that i've never had before:)